2011. What A Year.

2011. What a year that this has been. Looking back, it's hard to believe that it is already coming to a close. This year has been filled with so many amazing memories. The year I graduated college. My first season as a triathlete. So many friends have been made. So many goals met, and many memories created. I have been blessed to get to know and grow close to so many people. A family that I have been "adopted" into. I have never in my life felt so included, loved, and accepted as I feel within our triathlon family, and for that I will be forever grateful.

I took a leap of faith and decided to forgo graduate school, for at least a semester, to live in Utah and train for the National Championships. I was overwhelmed by the hospitality that I was shown in my "base camp" at the foot of the mountains. I was taken in for 7 weeks by a community of quirky, loving, fantastic individuals. I got my butt kicked on a daily basis by GPP, the altitude, and of course the mountains. I landed myself in the hospital at the end of my race and I had a hell of great time doing it.

I made the decision to not settle for an education at a school that I was not happy with. So in a whirlwind last minute decision I withdrew from University of Arkansas, applied and was accepted to Missouri State University, found a place to live and decided to move in a span of a month. It is crazy how quickly things can change. In a matter of a week I went from a 22 year-old kid who was going to live at home while working on a master's degree, to a 22 year-old adult who owns a home, has a mortgage to pay and is starting another undergraduate degree.

I couldn't be more excited/scared out of my mind to be starting on this new chapter of my life. I'm moving to a city where I know nobody, to a school that I have never been to, and to living on my own. I'm following a dream of mine, to better myself and to mold myself into the best human being that I can possibly be. I am getting another degree(s) that allows me to work with people to help them better their lives. That is where I find joy, in helping others.

I have been welcomed with open arms into a family. I have been deemed "Aunt Jess" and with that comes great responsibility of spoiling, loving, and becoming very attached to three little kiddos. I have gained a sister, someone who has been there for me when others weren't, has opened her home and her family to a new member, and has been one of the most self-less people that I have ever had the pleasure to become great friends/family with. And of course her husband (can't forget him), who has put up with my playing with/winding up their little munchkins right before bedtime, accepting me into the family as well, and has always been there to help whenever I might need it. I love this family as of they were flesh and blood and am going to miss getting to see them everyday.

What a year this has been. I can't wait to see what 2012 has to offer.

Questioning Emotion

The off-season is a time to let loose. To lighten up on training, to take time to mentally and physically decompress from a rather taxing racing season. It is a time that many of us look forward to, we can be less strict with the diet, training regimen, and the nights of sleep suddenly get longer. We can work on getting stronger on the bike, faster on the run, and smoother technique in the water. It's a time to work on execution of a game plan. A plan to destroy the competition. For others it's a time to analyze and think about the past season and its races. Are there things that can be changed? New equipment? New race plan? It is a time that should be used for rejuvenation and thought.

I've had a lot of time to think over the last 7 weeks and I'm uncertain as to what the future has instore for me, as far as a racing career. I would love to say that I am jumping out of my seat with excitment to get back to training, but in fact I am not. If anything at this moment I am dreading it. With nights still filled with restlessness and no sleep I have no energy to get myself through a training session, much less get myself through the normal tasks of a daily routine.

A mere jog leaves me exhausted for days and I seem to have an inability to sleep.This is something that is not normal, but has become a reality in my world. As much as I love to race and be on my bike, I have to ask myself "is it worth it, if it makes me feel this bad?" I think about the damage that I have done to my body over the years from playing soccer and then triathlon. I have given everything that I have left to give to this sport. Maybe there just isn't anything left for me to give anymore. I cry at the thought of surrending something so precious to me, but at this point I feel so lost. Maybe it's best if I just leave the bikes hung up, at least for awhile longer? Or maybe think about it some more? Or is this that post race/season disappointment that everyone talks about? I have no clue what to do about all the rush of emotions that I am feeling.

Embrace the Suck

It's been three weeks since my race at nationals. It feels like a lifetime ago since I left Utah and embarked on my journey home. I've had a lot of time to think, and analyze, and think some more about my race. What I did right and what I did wrong. Things I can change, things I can forget, and those things that made me a better racer.

I haven't talked much about my race as a whole, just the event that changed it. A stupid wreck, from whatever it may be, it was stupid. Cramping, probably brought on from dehydration or lack of nutrition on the bike, 19 miles later and my lower half was shot. Rookie mistake right there, being at nationals there shouldn't be rookie mistakes, period.

To be honest, my race as a whole was mediocre, not one of my best showings, but certainly not my worst. Swim was slower than expected, even though I felt pretty good. Was starting to pick up the bike, when I wreck once, and then three miles later do a literal flying dismount face-first into T2. I'm sure that was a sight to watch. The run, not much to say there, except how extremely embarrassed I was to be wearing that nationals number around my waist. I was a nationals competitor who was WALKING. I got passed by everyone and their mother. I had a friend, who had a 35 minute head start, catch me on the run. I do understand that I had a gaping hole in my leg and was bleeding everywhere, but in my book that is no excuse. My leg was still functional for the most part, I could have and should have done better. I got second out of two people in my age-group, which is nothing to be praised for.

I am proud of the fact that I did not quit, not once did it cross my mind. It would have been quite easy to give up in T2 or at each aid station when the volunteers told me I needed to see the medic. Why work so hard if you are willing to surrender so easily. I didn't bust my butt for a year and do 4 am workouts for nothing. I had two phrases that got me through that race, 'embrace the suck' and 'I love this shit.' Because honestly if I didn't, what's the point of being out there?

I don't know why this is eating at me tonight. I'm starting to get restless because I have been banished to the couch for the past 3 weeks. I feel like I am losing everything that I have worked so hard to gain. Yes, I know my leg was immobile but still, I'm a weirdo who what's to get better everyday. And by doing nothing, I'm losing everything.

I am not trying to complain or whine, I am soley expressing the disappointment in myself, and the want to only do better next time. I have high standards and expectations, which I expect to meet. Next year will be a different story with different characters and circumstances. Another year of experience can only help. I look forward to earning my ticket to nationals, to those 4 am workouts that we all know and love, and to the pain. Because triathlon is hard and it's demanding, but it is the most rewarding sport out there.

I do this sport for a reason, though the awards aren't bad, and the swag bags with the t-shirts are pretty neat, I do it for the challenge. To challenge myself to be better than I was the day before. Whether that means I am better at the swim, bike or run or if overall I am a better person for it. That is the best reward I can ask for out of a sport.

Those Mountains

As I lay here, during what seems to be another sleepless night, listening to the howling wind and the hum of the air conditioner, I can't help but smile...and smile big. My trip to Utah was supposed to be a trip to help me escape the realities of a new world in which I was to embark to. A world of grown-up responsibility and a "real" job with bills and tasks to be accomplished. This trip was an opportunity to find myself and to break out of the shell that I had created and perfected for the people at home. This trip was about time for me, time to train, to have fun, and enjoy my last bit of freedom before the commencement of graduate school. It was to let loose and to enjoy time with old friends as well as new ones.

Wow, how this trip has changed me...and I believe all for the better. Not only did stepping outside my comfort zone break me, it bettered me. I learned to open up and show the world who I really am on the inside. A joking, laughable, loving, and silly human being. Something that has needed to be shown to the world for awhile now. How great it has been to let loose, to start over, and to create new relationships with people. I try not to fit in here, more than anything I want to stand out. To be a person that people look to for confidence and composure, and concentration.

I found that here, amongst the mountains, the trees and the breath taking landscape. I learned to trust my abilities and instincts. To be the person that I knew existed deep down inside. It feels great to let her out. I learned to make decisions for me and only me. This life is mine. I can't live it for anyone else but myself, so I might as well be happy, right?

I love the scenery, the atmosphere, and the people. I love the overwhelming number of bike trails and the "get outside" mentality. I love the mountains. The ones that I cannot help but stare at every day, as if they seem to be calling my name. I love how people have taken me in, made me part of their family and treated me as if one of their own.

This trip out west changed me for the better and helped me take a step in the forward direction, and I have no intention of ever looking back.

XTERRA Nat'l Championships

XTERRA National Championships. A day, a venue, and a race of nothing other than epic proportions. There were celebrities among the participants, age groupers, physically challenged athletes, and people who had no clue as to what they were doing. There was laughter and nerves, tears and joy. This is a race that will forever go into my own record books.

I woke up race morning confident and excited. To be honest there were no butterflies or nerves. I knew what I had to do and I knew that I had the training and the skills to carry me through to the finish line. I had every known advantage over this girl pre-race. I was acclimated, knew the course really well, and had raced far more than she did. But a race can be won or lost by anyone on any certain day, the statistics don't make the slightest difference.

I started the swim at the front as usual. Swimming in a long-sleeve wetsuit for the first time was weird, even though I felt like I was gliding through the water. My arms started to fatigue earlier than normal so instead of lots of strokes I made long, more powerful movements through the water. Halfway through I was feeling great, finally settling into a rhythm. I must admit that this was the most chaotic swim I have ever been in. People were swimming over top of my legs, hitting me in the face, and punching me in the gut. I guess that's the consequence when swimming with 500 people.

Out of the water, got the wetsuit off without much of a problem and was out of T1 onto the bike. The first uphill I got passed by everyone and there mother (I guess the 4 weeks of lots of riding is still beat out by being native to the mountains). I didn't panic, kept my calm because my body felt good. First descent. YES. Now that is where I could get into my comfort zone. Amazing. At this point I was passing people on the bike (who would later pass me on the climbs). I guess being a fearless idiot sometimes pays off. This was the longest and quite possibly the hardest bike course I have ever done. Not because of technical terrain but because of all. the. climbing. 4400 feet of vertical on this course, but I guess it was worth it with the descents. Who doesn't enjoy flying down the side of a mountain, on a piece of metal with two rubber wheels? Sounds like a good time if you ask me.

Well I suppose being too fearless in this instance is what got me into trouble. I was flying down these switchbacks and jumps and had just passed a lady when I approached another switchback. Same method as the one before. Go wide to the left then cut in at the apex of the turn. Well too much speed and too much loose dirt and I bit it hard. Road rash down the right leg and right arm, face covered in mud. Picked up my bike, a little rattled and was determined to make up the time I lost. Three miles from transition the cramping started. Inner thighs, VMO, calves. Out of nowhere it hit me. I told myself to embrace and to suck it up because I was almost home. Going down into transition my leg were cramping more than ever. I attempted to get my feet out of my shoes (to do a flying dismount), got the left foot out and then when trying to get the right foot out my leg cramped, the officials were yelling at me to dismount and I hit the brakes on a gravel road and was thrown from my bike. In front of who knows how many people. I knew I was bleeding but didn't realize how bad the gash actually was. I walked my bike into transition, disoriented and crying, I think more due to shock and embarrassment than to actual pain.

                                      (This is what leg looked post-race, it really hurt by this point)

I racked my bike and tried to stay composed as Chip ran next to me out of transition. I couldn't even look at him because I knew it would break me if I gave into the pain, the embarrassment, and the fear that had completely overtaken me. Those next 6 miles were the longest of my life. I really thought that I would never get to the finish line. I tried to just make it from aid station to aid station, running occasionally. I keep telling myself to "embrace the suck," that I had worked too hard and too long to give up on my dream when it was really getting hard. I met up with a familiar face on the run, my riding buddy Jared. We talked and "hiked" together and then he was off. It helped immensely to see someone that I knew when I was at my weakest. The last mile and a half I ran. I had run so many mile sprints before that I could make it through this no matter what. I ran into the finish with blood everywhere and tears in my eyes, with a time of 5:05:33. Far off from what I had hope for, but towards the end it was purely survival.

 I was overcome with joy to see the people who meant so much to me waiting at the finish-line. The people who came and cheered and the ones who were cheering me on at home are what got to to that finish-line.

Let's just say this race will not soon be forgotten. What a fantastic day. Including a 4 hour ER visit, 10 stitches, and a knee brace. But so many laughs, along with many profanities, pain, blood, tears, and happiness. I accomplished what I set out to do at the beginning of the season.

Swim. Bike. Run.

4 days. Wow I can't believe that my time here has gone so fast. It seems like yesterday I had just arrived and now it is almost time to pack up and leave.

It's gut check time. Time to prepare my mind and my body for the upcoming Saturday. Time to put all those long, hard training sessions to good use. To test out this old body and see what kind of engine is under the hood.

This race symbolizes more than a few wins this season. More than having a good swim or a decent bike. It symbolizes all the training sessions that happened before 5am. The training sessions that couldn't be completed due to physical fatigue or mental brokenness. The training sessions that were hard and the sessions that were fun and light. The training sessions that broke me and the ones that made me stronger. This race will not define the person that I am or the person that I am to become. This race will be like any other race that I have done before. Same pattern, just as significant as the one that came before it. The only thing that is different with this race is the name that it possesses.

This is still a race of three disciplines, swim. bike. run. Although there might be a few big names among the list of participants. This is still a race that will be won in the field of battle, not by a list of statistics.

The essence of this sport is individual but yet still encompasses such a sense of camaraderie. I race for the people back home who are cheering me on. I race for my family, the ones who so badly want to be there but can't. I race for my Utah friends and family, the ones who have graciously accepted me into their lives. I race for all the people who believed in me. I race for the people who will be among the crowd. And I race for myself. To each day show myself what I am capable of and how happy the sport of triathlon has made me.

I race because I love the challenge. The insurmountable obstacles that are thrown in your way. I race to prove to myself than I am stronger than the day before. I race for fun, I race for excitement and most of all for happiness.

Top Things Learned From XTERRA

So I have decided with my last race upon me to come up with and share a list of things that I have learned from racing XTERRAs over the past 6 months. Hopefully some of this information will be helpful to you, put a smile on your face, or maybe convince you to race one of these adrenaline pumping gut-wrenching races.

1. When braking make sure to squeeze slightly vs slamming. Slamming may result in a face first over the handle bar action (guys this usually does not impress the ladies, just sayin').

2. In the even of a wreck, get up brush off the dirt, and check for witnesses. They'll be needed later to validate the awesomeness of your story.

3. The more blood, the better the ride. (Or worse, I guess it all depends on your own standards).

4. When dressing for a ride/race the holey-er, more torn-up clothes the better. It makes you look like you know what you're doing.

5. When choosing a bike to ride it is best to go with something lightweight and maneuverable. It makes the climbs that much easier and the downhills that much sweeter.

6. Using the words like "gnarley", "wicked" and "sick" will get you quite far in the mountain biking world. You might even be considered cool with proper usage of these words, so choose wisely.

7. When attempting a drop keep your weight back, feet firmly planted on the pedals, and eyes ahead on your obstacle. Nothing is more embarrassing than flying down with your legs flailing to the side, butt planted firmly to the seat, screaming as your bike goes flying into the weeds off the side of the trail.

8. Wear a helmet. All the cool kids are doing it these days.

9. Never try and make a road bike into a mountain bike. No matter what kind of tires you put on it. That is just an insult to the breed.

10. Never ever try and pass someone on a single-track unannounced coming up to multiple trees. There are going to be consequences for all parties involved. Especially the rider who ultimately hits those trees.

11. Trees will ALWAYS stay firmly planted in their position. Always.

The Longing to Do More

15 days. That is all that stand between me and and the biggest race of my short racing career. At this very moment I do not feel anxious or nervous or scared or excited. I feel tired and sick and thoroughly exhausted.

I begged for a workout plan this week. I begged and pleaded to have structure. Then it was given to me and look what happens, I can't pick myself up off the floor, quite literally. It is like it comes out of nowhere. This draining feeling this inhabits my body and takes control. I have no power. No energy.

I feel like it has been an eternity since I have been on my mountain bike. An. ETERNITY. It's been 3 days. Ha. That's how awesome the riding and the trails are up here. If I could describe them I would, but my words wouldn't do them justice.

I want so badly to have the energy to train and to train well. I feel like I have a few good days here and there and then I have a string of bad days. How can I expect to really compete at a high level when I am so zapped of energy?

Insomniac

Insomnia: chronic inability to fall asleep or to  remain asleep for an adequate length of time.

So I have come to the conclusion that insomnia is something that I could quite possibly have. My sleeping problems have been going on for months, and they seem to get worse during heavy loads of training. I find it odd that after a strength set, a swim, and a mountain bike ride my body is still awake. Not only awake, but restless, not necessarily full of energy. Quite the opposite in fact, my eyes burn, I can't keep from yawning and I am physically run down. But yet I lay here completely wide awake in the middle of the night unable to obtain this "shut-eye" that I so desperately need. 

What a great couple of days it has been. Caught up with some old friends, rode my mountain bike some more, got stir-crazy because GPP wasn't open. You know, all the norm. 

Had a good swim this morning. So to say I have neglected my swimming and running since I have been here is an understatement...a big one. I swam today for the first time in oh, two weeks. Whoa were the lungs burning! Felt a little weird in the water to be honest. But it was such a great feeling to get it done and accomplished. Did some GPP which kicked. my. butt! Love it! Then onto a mountain bike later in the afternoon.

So I had an amazing couple of rides this past weekend, so I guess it was just in due course for me to have a bad ride. I guess. Maybe. I rode out in SLC with a couple of friends. I was way off my game. So far off I....oh we can just leave it at that. Lungs were hurting, legs were burning, and I couldn't get into a rhythm. Had my first crash (sorta) since I have been here. (No big deal...tires just slid out, minimal amount of blood, if any). Finished it alright I suppose. Thank goodness it was downhill and then on the road. Ha. But all in all it was a good time catching up with friends.

Oh did I forget to mention I dyed my hair today. Well the bottom-side anyway. Black...and it looks freakin' sweet.

I'm training with the University of Utah tri team in the morning. Maybe I should say a prayer now that I don't get my butt kicked too bad, right?

A Ride of Epic Proportions

 I look up to the mountains everyday and I cannot get over the beauty that I am encapsulated by. To be honest, I don't think that this landscape will ever get old, ever. It makes for the most magnificent mountain biking that I have ever experienced in my short little life. To look below you on a trail and see canyons with waterfalls and rivers flowing through them. The serenity that it brings. The smell of the pine trees and the dirt, yes the dirt...it really does smell good.

I have come across more mountain bikers, runners, roadies, and outdoor enthusiasts in my two weeks here than I think I have ever come across in my entire life. I'm pretty sure on my ride today I passed something like 25 bikers all out on the same trail. Can you say awesome?

I feel like every day it is getting easier to breathe...finally! I think I am starting to get used to and enjoy the altitude maybe a little...did I really just say that? I went out on a ride this morning. It was crisp, cool morning...only 52 degrees. A little cold by my standards, but the perfect riding weather. The ride was tough but so much fun. I'm pretty sure that the first 6-7 miles were all uphill. And I mean straight up. The kind that not only get your legs burning but your lungs burning as well, know what I am talking about?

Those climbs were all made worth it with the downhills. I have never experienced such as exhilarating and fast downhill section like this. It had to have been 4 or 5 miles all the way down. I guess all that climbing amounted to something. The descents were rocky and smooth...even and unstable. Controlled yet uncontrollable. I swear there were some sections where I almost ate the dirt. Going a little too fast down some technical terrain, but I managed to avoid the crashing...for now. There were even parts where my arms were literally numb, I really thought they might come out of the sockets.

We finished the ride back at the base of Snowbasin where we started. 14 miles, no blood was drawn, many laughs and jokes were exchanged. I'm pretty sure I couldn't have asked for a better ride with some pretty awesome riders to share it with. What a great day, now to finish it off with some GPP...

Dear Training, I Love You.

An amazing weekend followed with a kick butt ride. Shout out to all the GPPer's who competed this weekend! Way to go, I gotta admit I was ready to do a half ironman watching everyone kick butt...don't worry I refrained from doing so.

What an epic ride. I went out and did part of the course for nationals. When I say a part, I mean it. I think I only made it two and a half miles before I managed to get myself lost, go figure. It was a gorgeous ride full of climbing, descents, and switchbacks. Not too rocky...just the way I like it. I encountered some interesting things along this trail, including a sign that said "Welcome to Bear Country." Ha what had I gotten myself into, was the only thing that went through my mind, don't worry I had a plan of attack plotted in my head just incase I happened to come across on of those cuddly monsters. Happy to say though I did not.

I started the ride around 6300 ft and probably did about 2000 ft of climbing. Whoa baby did it kick my butt. But I enjoyed every minute of it! With such breath-taking scenery (altitude also aided in the taking of my breath away) it made for one stellar ride. I can't wait to get out there again!

Today was the first day I had planned on getting back to training. So I had specific instructions to "not over do it." Okay so I tried really hard not to, but I'm pretty sure I did. I did day 5 of GPP, did a speed swim workout, and went for a jog. Ok maybe a little much. I'm feeling better each day, in terms of altitude and breathing normally. Although the last few days have been filled with excruiating headaches. Hmm I'm curious as to where these are coming from. Hoping they are just part of the acclimating process and will go away soon!

Day 6 of GPP tomorrow. Woot, already looking forward to it...along with another bike ride at Snowbasin. I do think so!

The Mountains Are Calling Me

Gorgeous Utah. Everyday I look up at the mountains that seem to be calling to me. I can't get over the magnificent sight that I get to see every morning. The air is clean and refreshing, not thick and full of moisture (don't get me wrong I do love the 180% humidity of my beloved Arkansas, but this is a nice change).

I'm still trying to get used to the altitude change. But with each day my lungs are feeling better and better. I have looked up the XTERRA courses and I am hoping to ride on Sunday! Can't wait to see what this race has in store for me.

I have been doing GPP (General Physical Preparedness) since I arrived. Day 4 and I can barely move! My legs are so sore that I have problems sitting down, climbing stairs, general overall movement. But it is a good hurt and I know that I am working, to be honest I am starting to notice slight changes in my physique...only after 4 days? I think these people might know what they are talking about! Today was brutally amazing! Working shoulders, triceps, abs, biceps, and legs I can guarantee that getting out of bed in the morning will be anything but enjoyable! It's an amazing feeling....weird you might say, but when have I ever been considered normal? :)

We are headed up to Bear Lake tonight. Lizz is competing in a half ironman tomorrow. Can't wait to see the gang and to be a cheerleader for her along with the rest of the GPP crew.

I signed up for a mountain biking camp...in Canada! I can't wait to get up there. I leave in three weeks for Whistler, British Columbia, Canada. What a great learning experience this is going to be. I have the opportunity to learn from the best of the best at downhill, cross country, and overall mountain biking. I am so excited yet so nervous at the same time. I am expecting to get my butt kicked every moment of the two days that I will be there. But I know that I will come back a more competent and confident mountain biker. I can't wait to see how much this will help me for nationals!

Well I think that is all for now. I shall keep you posted about what else happens on this amazing journey of mine...

Hello Utah!

3 days. 21 hours of driving. 1524 miles. And I finally made it. It was a long haul but such a relaxing drive (that much driving, relaxing? Yes it was). It gave me an opportunity to think, to plan and to figure how I am going to cram so many things into one short month!

First stop was in Wichita, KS. Decided to break this long long drive up into three days. Boy now am I glad that I did. 5 hours to Kansas. Next stop Fort Collins, CO. What an awesome town. Talk about bike central! I think I was in love before I even hit main street. With a bike shop on every corner down to the bike specific lanes this town gave off an ambience like I have never felt. Oh wait, I almost forgot to mention the mountain biking! With 10-12 different trails to choose from it was like I had died and gone to heaven. And of course I was NOT going to pass up the opportunity to ride in Colorado. Who cares if the elevation was 5500 feet. Right? Ha way wrong. So I embarked upon my mountain biking quest only to ten minutes later be sucking for air, it like my lungs were bleeding, dizzy, and nauseous. Well I suppose trying to beat out the elevation change was not a smart idea in my book. I still got about 30 minutes of gorgeous riding in. At least the first altitude ride is out of the way. Huh?

7 more hours and I arrived in gorgeous Utah! So crazy, like no other landscape I have come across on my travels. An awesome greeting from no other than Lizz and a fantastic open water with Lizz and Suz rounded out a pretty awesome day. Now on to GPP in the morning and some more plain old fun! Can't wait to get on the trails. Might need to make sure I can breath before doing so!

Mentally Cleansing

6 weeks. It has been 6 weeks since my last race. Where did the time go? Why or how did I let it get away from me? It doesn't matter how it happened. All I know is that it did.

So instead of letting anymore time get away from me I decided to race this past weekend in Lincoln, Nebraska. The XTERRA B.O.L.T. known for its climbs that would kill your legs for the 5 mile run that lay ahead. Thank goodness we pre-rode. I have never been on a course so...odd. It was muddy, and unkept with tree limbs and safari grass growing through and over top of the trail. With short steep climbs it wasn't the hardest course I had ridden but it was certainly one of the oddest. I felt good after the pre-ride ready to conquer my next feat.

A good night's rest and an early morning and we were at the trail-head setting up transition. Most of the people had yet to look at the course let alone ride it...what? Not pre-riding or scoping out the course was something that was foreign to me. Whatever it just meant that the race was in my favor.

Time for the swim, good my strongest section. I started off at the front like normal. Started with my normal pace and suddenly I couldn't hold it. My arms were heavy and my breathing staggered. Towards the end I started cramping. 30 minutes in and this was happening? I finished the swim barely. Ran to transition and quickly strapped up for my longest bike yet. 1:07 in transition...finally my times are coming down! As soon as I got a mile or so in my legs were toast, my HR was through the roof...couldn't get it down, even when I stopped. All I wanted to do at that point was survive. I walked the climbs and flew down the descents, trying to make up so much of the time that I had lost. I had to stop once to try and get the caked on mud off my bike. Thank goodness we sprayed the tires with PAM first. What a life-saver.

Two hours later I was off the bike...thank goodness. Into T2, flying dismount. Ha so much fun. Then off on the run. I was so dead, no energy left in my body at all. I tried so hard just to run away from transition and the spectators. Then I tried to walk/jog which just turned into a walk. Trying not to throw-up or pass out I hit the first aid station, started talking to another participant and we decided to finish it together. I swear I probably asked this guy a million questions. Just to take my mind off the pain. It was great to have someone to talk to and someone else who was ready to throw in the towel.

We finished it together. 3:37:25. One of the most mentally challenging races of my life. But I finished it and did not quit. (God knows I wanted to). And somehow still came it first in my age group. 10th out of 13 women and 51st out of 60 competitors. Like I said all I wanted to do was finish.

This race taught me something. Not that fact that everyone will have a bad race because that is inevitable. It taught me that no matter how much you are hurting or mentally struggling you can always dig deeper to find that extra push to get you to the finish line. No matter what.

A Great Place To Start

The whipping of the wind on your face, the smell of the trees and dirt, the fast descents and the wicked climbs.

Went out on the trails today. Only the second time in over a month. At the beginning of the ride I was tripping on and catching every rock in my way. Trying to find my balance, my rhythm, and my lost intuition. By the end of the ride I felt like a seasoned veteran out among the forest.

I finally found the place that I feel most at peace and at home. While I was out there on that bike today I couldn't help by smile and think about how much I had missed it. I felt like I had finally gotten my wings back (sota speak). I felt more free today out on those trails, more so than I have felt in months. I felt like my old self again. Who knew flying down a rocky descent could help you rediscover yourself again? For that I have to thank my riding buddy Kevin.

I really didn't think today could get much better. A great ride and a run was all that I needed to catapult myself to Cloud 9. But then I opened my email to find my invitation to the XTERRA National Championships in Ogden, UT on September 24th. I was overcome with emotions. Joy, triumph, excitement, anxiousness. I knew I could do it, deep down somewhere. To actually see the invitation in front of my face solidified all the struggles that I have gone through this season, the pain, the defeat, the tears, the joy.

I started this triathlon journey as a way to slowly let go of my soccer career. A way to expend my pent up energy. I never expected to be a real competitor, although I'm about as competitive as they come, all the way down to playing Wii against a 9 year old. Out of that I became a competitor with a take no prisoners mentality. I developed a love for this sport that can not be matched. Thriving to every day become better than I was the day before. I train alone, I train with friends (who most days kick my butt), only to make myself better at a sport (three actually) that has brought so much joy and so many friendships to this life of mine.

There is a lot of work to be done before the gun goes off on September 24th. I think today was a great way to start.

Dazed and Confused

No one said it was going to be easy, they just said that it would be worth it.

This popped into my head earlier tonight and it seemed to stick there. I've been going over and over this quote in my head. By no means has this journey been easy, but I do know that it will be worth it. It'll just take some time to see that.

Like I said in my last post I feel like I'm starting to get back...emphasis on the word "starting." This week I am feeling unlike myself more than ever. I have embraced my down week! I have been so tired; physically and mentally exhausted. I thought that a down week would help but not so much. My weight has been up (now I know what you are thinking. Some over-obsessive athlete worrying about a few pounds) but I've seemed to put on 10 pounds in 3 weeks. Which is way weird seeing as my training plans consists of 12 hours or more most weeks. Now I will admit I have had two mess-up days since embarking on this nutrition regimen. Uh so frustrating since I am trying to get to a race weigh...35 pounds below what I currently am. Ha perhaps a liquid diet would serve me good for a few weeks (kidding!).

I have been so tired. I suppose the good news out of all of this is that I am sleeping again. I am afraid to say anything, I might just jinx it. Ha I hope I don't do that. Have to admit, I do not miss though many weeks of sleepless nights I had. I am sleeping a lot, waking up tired, and am zapped of energy throughout the day. I have to drag myself off of the couch just to walk to the bathroom. What is going on here?

Speaking of the couch. That has become my new habitat. That is where I spend all of my evenings and when I am not working or training, you can find me curled up upon that brown leather sofa. I have changed so much that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I went from the girl who never even turned on the tv, heck I couldn't sit still long enough to watch it, to the girl who is laying in front of it all the time.

I find myself pushing my friends away, refusing to let them in. I used to be able to go to them for help and guidance, and in a time where I probably need them the most all I have managed to do is to alienate myself and push them even farther away from me. I seem to do this in times that I am struggling. Instead of letting someone in to help, I shut down, keep my mouth shut, and turn away. Afraid that I might be looked down upon or ridiculed for my ridiculous feelings of low self-confidence. I wish that I could sit them down and tell them everything that is going on inside this head on mine. But it is easier to push them away than get them involved in my dumb emotions. I find it easier to talk to a computer screen sometimes than to actual people. Now something is wrong with this picture...

This is something that I need to fix on my own. "Buck up and quit being a girl" is what a friend of mine would say. *Sigh* if only I could find the strength to do that...perhaps I'll find it hidden under a rock somewhere. Maybe my upcoming races will snap me out of this lull I have been in all summer. I've got to figure out something. I hate this feeling.

What A Ride It's Been

It's been awhile since I posted last and so many things have happened over the past week and a half. Let me tell ya.

Training is going better! I feel stronger yet run-down and some days weaker at the same time. Doesn't really make any sense but whatevs. I'm just happy I'm starting to get back in the groove of things.

I did my first set of hill repeats on the run. Woah baby were my legs burning! So I was supposed to find a hill that was 4-5% grade and about a mile and a half long. Well my first mistake, choosing a hill that was 11.8% grade. Ha I guess that made it that much more fun having a friend laughing with you all the way up and all the way down. Let's just say I had problems walking for a few days after that one!

(Oh Julie and I having too much fun!)

I got hit by a car on my bike. That made for a pretty interesting bike ride to say the least. I'm okay, no big deal. Still shaken up a little bit from that but working on trying not to cringe every time a car drives past me. My road bike has been in the shop for almost a week now. What's taking so long? I'm starting to feel lost without it!

I finally finally got out on the mountain bike today. Unbelievable how I could let a month slip by without going out on the trails. I missed it so much and definitely forgot that mountain biking takes its own kind of "fitness." This morning I went out and rode with a friend at Hobbs State Park. Now for those of you that don't know, Hobbs is a relatively flat, flowy trail that isn't really hard at all or physically challenging, and boy did I suffer this morning. My hands cramped around my handlebars, I was sucking air like no other, and I had problems keeping up. Geez never again will I let a month go by without riding my poor mountain bike. EVER. I loved being out there so much! I forgot how at peace I feel when I am out there. Like everything that is weighing me down has been lifted right off my shoulders!

I have to admit that this last week has been weird...but a good weird I think! I feel like I'm starting to get back to being myself a little more each day!

The Joy of Triumph

It's been two and a half years. Two and a half years filled with pain, tears, agony, triumph, and accomplishment. Two and a half years since I was given the news that I would never run again, never play again, or possibly never even walk again. Having an experimental surgery to fix my broken body was one of the scariest yet bravest decisions I think I have ever made. Its a decision that I am reminded of everyday, one that I am still coming to terms with. When I look in the mirror at the two 16 inch scars that cascade down my outer hips and thighs I am reminded of how far I have come and the battles that I have fought, some that I have lost and so many that I have won.

I experience the pain of this decision almost everyday. There are days that are pain free and there are other days when I question what I was thinking. Those are the hard days. The training days in which you want to push your body to go further but the pain and the agony is too much to handle. These are the days that mentally break me. I question if I can ever achieve an Ironman or Half Ironman status. When I can't even make it through a 50 mile ride without excruciating amounts of pain. These are the days that break me even more. I know I will have physical limitations. Limitations that I am trying to break. Every time that I make it through a hard training session on the bike or the run I am reminded of my feats. Reminded that I refused to take "NO" for an answer.

Going through this has taught me many things. It taught me how to stand up and fight. It taught me that there is more to life than soccer. It taught me to believe in myself and to never let anyone dictate what will become of me. It taught me than overcoming the impossible is very well attainable and most of all it taught me that I am stronger than what I once thought.

I have no idea why these thoughts weighed so heavily on my mind this morning. Maybe it was my 4:40 bike ride on Sunday that I struggled to make it through when I was hurting only 45 minutes it. Maybe its because I caught a glimpse of my scars in the mirror. Maybe its because when I put my hand on my hip I felt the curvature of my scars. Maybe its because that today I needed to remind myself that I am so much stronger than I feel right now.

Accomplishment

It's been awhile since I was on here. So I suppose I should update you as to what has been going on.

Let's see...XTERRA Eureka Springs what a weekend, what a day, what a race. To be honest I don't think I could have been more on my game. I arrived at transition ready, pumped and more than ready to race. Swim was great. 2nd female out of the water. T1 was sorta slow then off on the bike. I was nervous but confident in my "new" ride. My bike rode like a dream, almost like it never had before. I took the bike slow and steady making sure to be cautious. I did not need to mess up this race. I rode more downhills and attempted more technical sections than I ever had. What is it about a race that makes you more daring than normal? I don't know and I certainly don't care. Whatever it is, it helped me conquer a feat that I had before doubted. I am proud to say that I did not have one single crash on the bike, no blood was drawn, and no tears were shed. How awesome is that? The run was amazing. I followed the plan...walk the inclines and hammer it out on the flats. And boy did I fly along those flat sections. It was such an amazing feeling! Halfway through the run my body started to falter. I got dizzy and tripped. I sliced my knee open on a rock. I guess every race has to end with some blood right? Got my second wind and powered through passing 8 people on the run. I was estatic. Turning the last corner I was running on fumes. I starting talking to myself, egging myself on to make it to that finish line and never once looking over my shoulder. Nope...because I had this race in the bag. I crossed that finish line and dropped. Luckily I fell into someone's arms. As I was being carried to the ice bath the only thing that I could mutter was "I executed the perfect race." The perfect race being to drop at the finish line, using every last ounce of expendable energy to get you home. I layed in the ice bath completely delirious for half an hour. Not comprehending who was speaking to me or what was being said. First in my age group and fifth overall woman. Not bad for a day's work.

The race was amazing. The volunteers and fans were more than I could have asked for, so encouraging and excited. This by far was the best race experience I have ever had. Kudos to the race director and my friend Shawn Wierick for putting on a spectacular race. It was one that will never be forgotten.

XTERRA Dawg Days: June 25, 2011
If it seems to be a recurring theme that I love to race XTERRA's that's because it is. It is a thrill, a rush, and a high that can be compared to nothing else. The technicality and the focus that it takes to try and keep your bike upright while battling a tree stump or a small ravine is something that I find completely exhilarating.

XTERRA #3. So excited and calm before this race. Going into this one I felt like a seasoned veteran, although yes I am still a rookie, not nervous just plain excited. As we got to the course, yep I dragged a friend into this one, and set up transition I began to look around. To see all the familiar faces and the face of my competition. I spotted her quickly. Petite, quiet, and the face of a stern warrior. So pumped and ready I put her out of my mind, vowing to never look over my shoulder, to never have doubts, only to focus on my race and what I was capable of doing.

To say that I was off my game is an understatement. I had a great swim, fastest ever but after that things slowly started to go downhill. My bike portion was terrible. I wrecked two miles into a 12 mile course. Trying not to let that shake me I picked myself up and tried to focus, to get my head back in the game. Much harder than I had anticipated. I stood there as blood was streaming from my elbow and knee, completely covered in dirt. I let people pass me just trying to get it back together. I walked my bike for awhile collecting my thoughts. Although the doubts began to creep in. "What am I doing? Maybe I shouldn't have raced. Why are my legs so dead?" These thoughts flowed through my mind. I thought about how my coach, Shawn, had told me not to race. After all I hadn't been sleeping, I was tired and exhausted. But I being the bull-headed stubborn person that I am decided to come down and gut it out.

I finally got the nerves to get back on my bike. My ride was not fast at all. I practically coasted through the next 10 miles trying to stay upright and just make it back to T2. I made it back an hour and forty minutes later. Performed a perfect flying dismount. Was so stoked over that one, and began the run. My legs were shot, dead, and felt like lead weights. But I just talked to myself. "It's alright you've got this." Over and over again I would repeat. I planned on walking/running for the rest of the run portion but as I began this my legs came to and I felt like I was getting a second wind. With a mile to go I noticed my competition on a switchback below where I was. Boy did that ever give me new legs. No way was I going to be beat by this girl let alone a first time XTERRA racer. No way! I put it into 4th gear and took off. I was flying. It's only a mile right? I don't think that I have ever run that fast in my entire life. As I rounded the corner to the finish line I knew I had left her behind, 4 minutes later she came in behind me.

Gutting it out was not a pleasurable experience by any means, but it felt good to know that I could dig deep. I took home 1st in the age group (again) and 6th overall in the women. Not a great race but an enjoyable weekend with friends.

The Calm Before the Storm

It's finally here. The day that I have been dreading, yet so excited about for the last two months. A day that will be the true test to what I have been training for. I am nervous yet excited, anxious but ready. If you would have asked me last week even three days ago I was hesitant, nervous, and soft-spoken about how well I would do, heck if I would even survive. Something has come over me the last few days. A sense of reassurance about the fact that I am not only going to survive, but I am going to dominate in the process.

I have been shaken by my last few rides. With wrecks on a bike that didn't feel "right." That bike has been fixed and ridden (around that parking lot, but that should count) and it feels amazing. As I was riding around on it last night I couldn't help but feel inspired and motivated. I have to thank my best friend for that. It's weird what having a tuned-up bike can do.

I truly believe now that I am ready, ready to go out and dominate, ready to go out and do what I set out to do in the first place, and most importantly ready to punish my competition.

Soul Searching

I'm curious as to why I have so much to say on my bad days. I feel as if questions and thoughts flow from my mind endlessly and much time is given to these thoughts. I feel it is like my "soul searching." These are the days that I find myself, find out who I am. What I am made of and how far I can go. I'm having one of those days. I'm sitting alone in a hotel room (something about being by myself makes me think anyway) curled up in a ball, crying, wishing that this pain would go away. Pain that I have inflicted upon myself. From a day's ride where maybe I pushed too hard to get my workouts in. A day I should have backed off and let this one ride slip to the wayside. I want so badly to make my coaches proud and to prove to myself that I am the person that I know I can be.

Something as simple as tires sliding out. As I slammed into the trail I felt what was left on my bike riding mojo slip away. The ride today was my third bad ride in a row. 8 days before my biggest race and I can't get it together. I blame my bike not feeling right, a bad tune-up, re-adjusted brakes. But I think it's me also. Riding a little scared. Where did this come from? This is something that is entirely new and unfamiliar territory. I am the rider who has guts who isn't afraid of falling, crashing, or going face first over the handle-bars. Perhaps wreck after wreck after wreck is starting to wear me thin a little bit. Just the fact that I have yet to heal from the previous week's ride. Instead of one swollen skinned elbow I now have two, my right one I can barely move and my entire right thigh is swollen and bruised, it hurts to even lay in bed.

I feel like I'm losing my grip on the mountain bike, like somehow my skill is lessening with each ride. I have come back mad, upset, and mentally broken from my last rides. It's time to slow down. I have put so much on XTERRA Eureka Springs that I think I have lost sight of the bigger picture. I am going out to race because it is something that I absolutely love to do. I love the feeling of the wind on my face as I'm cutting in and out of the trees, the downhills, and as much as they suck I'll take those climbs because it means that I am out on my bike.

Maybe that's what I need, to let go. To let go of my bad rides. Let them out of my mind. Forget them, act as though they never even happened. So much easier said than done. It is something to focus on and work towards this next week as I go into my taper for XTERRA. This is a race that is going to take heart, guts, and will. You better believe I'll show up with all three and more on race day.

Competitive Love

It is amazing how the arrangement of words can ignite a motivational fire within someone, a desire to achieve more than they ever thought possible just by the words that were spoken. Something was written to me in an email this weekend that hit me, quite literally like a ton of bricks.

"You can either continue to live and accept that your greatest accomplishment is overcoming what the doctors said you couldn't or you can be truly great and never stop accomplishing."

I have read, reread, and reread that statement over and over again. He is right. For me just overcoming was always good enough but not anymore. I want more. I want my pro-card. I want to be a machine in the water, on the mountain bike, on the run. I have proven to myself time and time again that I am more than capable of accomplishing anything that I set out to achieve. You better believe it because my will to win and compete cannot be matched. I got told this weekend that I was "vicious" almost with a take no prisoners attitude. That is that attitude that I always had going into soccer games and I think it is quite fitting for triathlon as well.

It is going to be a lot of hard work. A lot of sweat, pain, blood, and I'm sure profanities along the way but that fire has been ignited and I am more than excited to get to work.

A GT Weekend

This past weekend was one that will always be remembered. It was a weekend that was full of firsts and full of lasts.

It was the last time that I will every step foot on my college campus or hang out with my same crowd again. The last time I will see my professors, eat in the caf (I'm not too sad about that one), or live in the dorms. Graduation was amazing. Much more fun and funny than I thought it would be. It was full of laughter, excitement, and nervous jitters. I'm glad in the end that I decided not to skip it. The proud look upon my mom's face was all the solitification I needed to know that I had made the right choice in deciding to walk.

This was a weekend of firsts, my first triathlon in fact. As soon as Kevin and I left for Louisiana the nerves hit me. The butterflies grew and I felt like I was going to be sick. Only 18 hours until race time. I needed to chill out, relax  and calm down if I wanted to be ready to go come race time. Pre-riding helped a bunch in calming the nerves, that is until my chain snapped. I'm pretty sure the entire park heard me scream out as the resistance on my bike went from full to absolutely nothing. "Oh crap." Was the only thing that went through my mind. As I made the "walk of shame" back to the car, chain in hand and a frown upon my face, I tried to not think about the race that was yet to come. Thank goodness Kevin's son, Will who is a bike mechanic was there and he was able to save my bike! And might I add, my bike performed beautifully on race day!

Race morning. Finally this day had come. I was so stoked I could barely hold it all in. We got to the park early to set up transition and get numbered. Thank goodness Kevin was there to help me set up my transition area because I forgot my running shoes, my race number, my gloves, and my GUs. Ha that would have been a long day without those things.

 I tried not to look around, not to look at the women or the bikes that I was getting ready to compete against. There's not point in psyching your self up for nothing. So I kept my head down, warmed-up in the water, and made it my mission to podium at this race and to be someone that they never saw coming.

This race couldn't have gone better! My swim was dead on. I started near the front, passed all kinds of people, got punched in the mouth in the process but that's part of the fun, right? Came out of the water at 14:38, ahead of Kevin (haha I told him I would never let him live that down). Ran to transition and nearly fell over. I must have been a riot to watch stumbling trying to get my shoes on. 3 mins later and I was off on the bike. The course was amazing! Tight and twisty. Not a lot of rocks or climbing. Some sick drops and straight downhills. Love it! Of course I crashed once. Couldn't complete a race without doing that! Completed the bike in 1:08, 2 min in T2 then out to the run. Some climbing on the run but it was a great run course. The 3.5 miles went by rather quick! 35 mins on the run for a total time of 2:01:52. I beat my goal time by 29 mins. I was over the moon. Oh and might I add I did cross the finish line with a heel click.

I beat the girl I set out to beat. I won my division and came in 4th overall. Not a bad way to start off the triathlon career if you ask me! Overall this was a freakin' awesome GT weekend!

One Of "Those" Days

It seems that my first post got deleted so I will start over.

There the days that every athelte dreads of having. But every single one of them will encounter. The doubtful, tired, run-down, almost feeling run-over days. Today that was my day. I am usually the Energizer Bunny on crack (sota speak). A kid, that's really what I feel I am, that has too much energy and so many words to tell the world. Yesterday and most of today I am a down, mopy, and exhausted zombie. This is not what was called for in my training plan 2 days away from my first race. Graduation is tomorrow and I couldn't care less to be honest.

I got up this morning hoping to escape my house without having to make much conversation with anyone on the way out...and I was successful. I had so hoped that my swim would help slap a smile on my face. Usually exercising only gives me more energy but today was unsuccessful. The warm-up was off and the first set was brutally painful. I hit a wall physically, emotionally, mentally. I just sat at the end of the pool crying  before I decided that today I could just not keep going. "What is going on with me? I am so much stronger than this." These thoughts flowed through my mind as I drove home and tried my hardest to put on a smile and pretend to look happy. My little brother and his girlfriend had a gradution breakfast for me. Only when that was over was I able to escape to the quietness of my room and release the rest of my pent of frustration with myself.

I suppose we have these days for a reason. To test us. So that we can see how much we are made of and whether or not we are willing to fight for it. My really good friend once told me "We all have our demons, it's whether or not we fight them that's makes the difference." Thanks Curry. Those words of wisdom are helping me right about now.