The Things I am Thankful For...

While in the midst of going through a hard time in life, I was reminded yesterday to look at the good things. Look at the little things that make life that much better and focus on those.

I know this post is kind of random and weird, but it's cool.

So today these are the things that I am thankful for...

-Friends. Family. A home to live in.
-The friends that put up with my quirkiness, my pain, my sadness, my terrible jokes, and at the end of the day still love me for the werido that I am.
-My Parka. Enough said.
-The opportunity to go to school (one that so graciously will accept my money. Ha)
-The rain and sleet and snow and wind and hail. Oh wait, not all of those have happened yet, but oh how I love love LOVE winter time. :)
-Food. Water. and I cannot leave out Coke Zero and its delicious toxic chemicals that I love.
-Funny movies that make me laugh so hard I cry.
-Dare I say Calculus? And the two boys who put up with my constant question asking, snide remark making, math hating attitude. You guys are helping me learn.
-Freedom.
-Thunder U-11 Soccer Team. These girls are awesome, I love getting to teach a sport I love to the little ones. Their curiosity for the world is infectious.
-The ability to hear, see, touch, feel, and the most important TASTE. Ha.
-Shoes.
-Hoodies (without hoodies, I would not be a normal version of Jess. Let's face it, you know I'm right).
-My adopted family. You know who you are. (your address probably ends with a , UT...no I'm not being biased, those are just some cool peeps out there).
-An iPhone that doesn't seem to break (without this, there would be no contacting the outside world).
-A job...a job that I love, the ability to talk and teach and meet so many new people. As well as help people achieve their goals.
-Music. (Without this I would be lost. I always have my headphones in, I am in my own world with my music).
-Compression Tights. These things are the coolest and I get the weirdest looks when I wear them, must be the cool factor people are jealous of. Ha.
-Professors that teach me AWESOME things. Oh and that listen to me cry... all the time, and are willing to help out in any way that they can. It is because of great professors at MSU and at Ozarks that I have succeeded thus far in my college career.
-Candy-corn (if they sold it year-round, I'd eat it year-round).
-A car that is really pretty freakin' rad. With its multiple bike racks, stickers, and illegally tinted windows there isn't one around that is cooler.
-A bed (one that doesn't get used too much. Insomnia is mean like that.)
-Laughter.
-Exercise Physiology. Because this class is just down right cool. And it allows me to beat-up, I mean make my athletes better.
-Great surgeons. Without them I'd be a mess. Thanks for giving me back the ability to walk!
-Pinterest (because frankly this site makes me laugh...a lot).
-Chocolate
-Rice bars (if you haven't tried them you are missing out! Everyone eats them on the bike, I eat them while lying on the couch).
-Utah. What a fantastic state this is. Mountains. Mountains. Mountains. Did I mention the mountains?
-And if it weren't for challenges in my life, I wouldn't be the strong individual that I am today.

Bike Love

I was asked the other day “why is it that we become so attached to our bikes?”

 Now I can totally relate to this. My bike is my child. I love it/him more than anything. (yes I do realize that my bike is an inanimate object, but I don't care. Ha) I drool every time that I lay my eyes on him and good luck if you think that YOU will ever get to ride him because he is mine. Feel free to ask a certain Dr. Z about the reaction I had when he just hopped right on Donatello (bike’s given name) and took him for a spin…it went something  like this, he got on my bike and before I knew it he was off.  I started yelling/practically had a heart attack while he laughed hysterically and continued to do circles around the parking lot.

 A little over the top? Not in any way, shape, or form according to my book (now my “book” is full of quirky rules. I wrote it so I get to make the rules up as I go along).

But on a serious note…and for those of you who know me, I am not serious too often, but here I will be…

 Bikes can symbolize many things to many different people. I think the thing that I love most about bikes is that there is no age limit. You can be five years old or eighty-five years old and still go out and enjoy the pleasures of a bike ride.

Bikes can takes us places. I don’t only mean as a mode of transportation. But they take us places mentally, emotionally, and yes physically. I have never hated and loved something so much as when I am on my bike (the hate part only being sometimes).

 Bikes help to create so many wonderful memories. Whether you are riding alone or with a group, on a hot day or a cold one, if you got hit by a car or couldn’t unclip. There are memories that are created. Sometimes great wonderful memories and sometimes memories that you wish you could forget. I can't tell you how many stories that I have told that started off with "well I was on my bike when..."

Bikes are so freeing. In my life (yes, I know it has been short) I have never found something so freeing and peaceful as when I am on my bike. For me personally it’s when I’m flying down the side of a mountain, kicking up dust, bouncing over rocks, and coming around switchbacks. That for me is when I am at my most peaceful place (and no, I’m not kidding).

 Bikes never ask for anything in return, they never ask where you were the night before, why you have spent so much time apart or why you missed your early training ride, again. They are always just waiting to be ridden, it doesn’t matter if they have been sitting in the garage for a year or it is has only been a few hours.

 Bikes become a part of our families, if you think that is weird then maybe you haven’t spent enough time with bikes, or maybe I’m weird. Probably both. Ha. The naming of our beloved bikes probably doesn’t help with the attachment issues either. I named mine after a Ninja Turtle, Donatello. If that doesn’t scream tough, I don’t what does. I have friends who have named their bikes after ex-lovers, famous hockey players, idols, curse words, if you can think of it, a bike has been named it.

Bikes are awesome. If you haven’t been on one in awhile and are wanting to get back out there, GO. There should be nothing stopping you. Just look for that bike that’s waiting to be ridden. 

What. A. Trip.

Utah was amazing, what am I talking about? Utah is always amazing. Yes the scenery and the landscape have a lot to do with it, but it's the people who really make my trips out West special. The trip surpassed the expectations that I had set for it. I had planned to do nothing but ride my bike, spend time with friends, and relax.

I rode in Park City and Moab, places that have been on my "I Must Ride There" List for awhile. I hung out and spent time with some of my best friends. I couldn't have asked for a better trip. As I look back on it (a whole 5 days ago) I can't wait to go back! Let the training begin, because September is gonna be a race and another weekend to remember.

My trip in pictures...

Kris, Chris, & I riding at Snowbasin

Amy & Jared's Girls

Dessert at The Porcupine

Cupcakes Harper & I made for the Tri BBQ

Happy Jack Trailhead; Riding in WY

Barry & I riding in Park City

Park City

Tri Family 'Welcome Back' Dinner for Curry & I
Also celebrating Wes' bday.

The view from Steiner Aquatic Center in SLC.

The infamous SlickRock bike trail in Moab.

Floating the Weber River.

Moab Adventures

So I decided to take a spur of the moment trip to Moab, in one day to visit this mountain biking mecca and what I found was breath-taking. Canyons, boulders, and rock formations unlike anything that I have ever seen, let alone ridden a bike on.

No wonder people call it a mountain biking mecca, there are trails for everyone, of every skill level, and of almost any terrain that you could think of. I decided to try the infamous Slickrock trail. What a trip. Some of the weirdest riding EVER. Riding along the side of a boulder while trying to keep a bike upright is rather creepy. The tires stick to the rocks without a problem, but it is kind of eerie that way that they do.

I do have to admit, I was not a fan of Slickrock. It was a weird technical, probably one that I wasn't used to and shouldn't have ridden alone, but it is one that I can say that I have ridden. What a beauty it was.

Slickrock Trail

After riding around on Slickrock for awhile and exploring some other trails I got to explore the city of Moab. Neat little town with a vibe all its own. I heard about this little bike shop so I had to go check it out, Poison Spider Bike Shop (visit them HERE). It was one of the coolest shops I have ever been in, great inventory, and an even nicer owner. After lunch and a town exploration it was back to the trails for more riding.

For my second ride of the day I hit up the M.O.A.B. Trails. They are fun, little less technical than Slickrock and allow for a solo rider to have a little more fun. Less climbing and a lot of fun flowing

sections with great views to boot.

Bar-M Loop

After a few hours of riding it was back in the car and back to Amy's for the night. 8 hours of driving was worth it. I finally got to visit Moab! But boy I am beat today. This weekend it is off to Park City again to ride with the boys and then floating with the tri peeps then home. 

Park City / XTERRA Nationals Invite / SKIN STRONG

If you have never had the opportunity to experience riding in Park City, you should. It is gorgeous!

I have never been there to ride or ski, I have only gone for the vast amount of outlet malls that they have...yes I like to shop, sometimes. The city is beautiful and quaint, but just wait until you get up into the mountains.

The trails were unlike any that I have ever ridden, always changing but always interesting. There would be once section of a dirt climb and then a section of twisting technical root section through aspen forests. It constantly left me guessing, but never left me bored.

The base of the city sits at 7,200 ft which means that there is no way but up! The highest elevation that we climbed to was around 8,600 ft. Being up that high was painful, my teeth were aching, lungs were burning, and head was spinning. I felt like I was riding no where. But it was so fun regardless!

Barry had flown all the way out from AR for business so it was his idea that we put this ride together. I went with him and a few of his co-workers. Our guide was great. He even snapped a chain in the first half-mile. I crashed a few times and hit a tree or two (head was not harmed in debacles, ha). Barry endo-ed off the side of the mountain. Funniest thing to watch, I can only say that because he was okay and laughing about it. Glad I got it on camera. We all had a great ride/day and celebrated with a post-ride beer, well the boys did. I celebrated with my water bottle.

I received my invitation to the XTERRA National Championships yesterday. I definitely did not expect or see that coming. I was planning on ending my race season early this year and focusing on the weaknesses for next year. I hope everything works out so that I can go. That would be so great! Looks like I better get back to a rigid training plan. I've been a little lax in sessions and in eating...eek now that's a topic that needs some work, especially since I've been on vacation. Starting over today. T- 65 days until race day. Plenty of time to get ready to avenge that scar!

OH! I can't believe I forgot to mention in my previous post (sometimes I forget to put my FB posts into my blog posts). I wanna give a shout-out to SKIN STRONG. It is the coolest company headed up by some even cooler people. They sent me a care package while in Utah (because I ran out of shammy cream on my way here), not only did they send me slather, but they included their new sunscreen line and a new t-shirt. How awesome is that! Their product saves me everyday and every time I get on that beloved bike of mine. I don't know what I'd do out here if they hadn't have sent me that package. Thanks SKIN STRONG for lookin' out! Check out their website HERE.

Once Upon a Mountain Top

Once upon a mountain top is where I first discovered the beauty of this place, discovered my love for the mountains, and discovered my love for being out West. If you would have told me two years ago that a trip to Ironman camp and a first-time visit to Utah would change my life forever I probably would’ve scoffed at you then laughed it off.

It never ceases to amaze me the beauty in which I am encapsulated by. I have mentioned it time and time again in previous posts, in conversations, in picture form, but the mountains with their beauty and magnitude never seem to get old or lose their allure. I love to ride in the mountains, the fresh breeze, the climbs, the descents, and the breathtaking views.

Utah has become a magical place for me. It’s the landscape, the people, the feeling of freedom that I have when I am here. No matter what is going on in my life, it just disappears when I am here. Perhaps it’s the lower oxygen content. Ha.

The people, what an awesome group of friends that I have here. Friends of different backgrounds, religions, and beliefs, but out here it does not matter. I am accepted as one of the group, that girl from AR (which I love); no matter what my world or religious views may be. These friendships are real, picked up right where we left them months prior, like a beat was never skipped. I fall right back into my routine here, right alongside my Utah family.

This place is where I am at my happiest.

This trip so far has been amazing (I wish I had a better word, I feel as if amazing just doesn’t quite fit the bill). I came here with no intentions, no plans, and no aspirations other than to ride my bike. Boy, has this trip totally lived up to the dream.

The first day I drove to Laramie, Wyoming where I stayed the night and then got up and rode the next morning. Absolutely. Gorgeous. It was the most beautiful place that I have ever ridden, aspens and pine trees lining the trail, 8,500 ft. It was a great way to start the morning. After my ride I loaded up the car and continued onward to Utah. What an awesome welcome I received when I got here. Lizz’s family, and then Monday morning at the gym. It was so great to see everyone again!

I have been doing GPP (General Physical Preparedness; HERE) while I have been here, if you have never tried it you should. It is the coolest thing since sliced bread. Kick-butt, hardcore workouts that will have your body on FIRE in five minutes or less. I love GPP. I have been doing their workouts for almost two years (off and on; I kind of get a little lazy sometimes ha) but whenever I get back into the swing of things it doesn’t take long for me to start seeing subtle changes in my physique.

My riding has been right on par. I’ve been riding up at Snowbasin, doing mountain repeats, fun-riding, and just enjoying life. The altitude definitely hasn’t had as profound of an effect on me as it did when I was living out here last summer, thank goodness.

Curry flew up to visit from LA this week. How great it was to see her! I can’t believe we let a year and a half slip by. Our days were filled with swimming, training, eating, and much talking. The group had a “Welcome Back” dinner for the both of us. It was so fun and the food was fantastic. Thank goodness I’m training a lot because I sure have been eating a lot too. Ha.

Today was spent up at Echo Reservoir at an open water swim clinic. It’s crazy what going up just another thousand feet or so will do to you. My ears were aching, my lungs felt like they were bleeding, and I couldn’t stop coughing. Besides that it was fun. While the others were out biking and running the course I hung out with Kenzie and her kids and talked life. I love getting to catch up on the day-to-day lives of people.

Tonight was spent with Amy and her three beautiful girls. Movie and then acrobatics in the park was the perfect way to end the day. I love that family. I love all my Utah friends. I feel so at home here, so alive, and so free.

Tomorrow is a fun-ride up at Snowbasin with Kris & Chris. Tuesday, Barry is coming out from AR for work so we are going to ride (EXPERT LEVEL) in Park City. There will be another blog post after that, granted if I don’t die on this ride.

I’ve had a great trip so far and can’t wait to see what great things are in store for the upcoming days. Perhaps a trip to ride in Moab. Maybe a spur of the moment trip to LA. I have no plans, just enjoying the ride, literally.

A Step in a General Direction

Another sleepless night has got me thinking. With thinking comes thoughts. With all those thoughts comes yet another blog. Ha.

 I had this all planned out in my head what I wanted to say. It flowed perfectly from line to line, and now that I have sat down to ultimately write this the thoughts have quickly evaporated.

I’ve started to notice something about myself. I should never under any circumstance speak when I am angry or frustrated or before I have truly thought about the words that are getting ready to flow out of my mouth. I am an emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, even though I try very hard to hide it, there’s no point because it is there. I get my feelings hurt easily, I live in the past, I complain a little too much, I over think things, and I have been WAY negative lately. Frankly I am getting sick of listening to myself.

There are some things that need some fixing in my life. No I’m not talking about my constant rambling or the fact that I do have emotions, I’m talking about how I express and interpret those emotions. How I go about my daily life and my interactions with others. How I hold myself and ultimately the person I am hoping to become.

I’ll save the philosophical nonsense for someone who knows what they are talking about. There is no point in speculation anymore. I know what my problem is and I know how to fix it. End of story.

In case you haven’t noticed but with my prior blog posts I have been a little mad, frustrated, sad, overwhelmed with life lately. Changes in schools, hometowns, friends have brought on these emotions and I have gladly or willingly let them in. Instead of attempting to embrace and make the best of my new situation I have…not.

I am a creature of habit. So by default major life changes bring out a weird side of me. I become reclusive and kind of down. Okay, there really is no kind of about it. Yes, I know it is time to get over that I suppose. I’m working on it. Working on letting people into my life, letting them see who I am. I feel like anytime I meet new people I somehow end up living in the past more than I ever wanted or intended. I’m so scared of forming new relationships with people, scared that these relationships will get broken and then all of the time that was invested was somehow wasted…Oh wait. There I go again with living in the past and emotional baggage. I need to stop that.

Another thing that I have been lately is negative. I’m not talking here and there, I mean totally down on myself, good-for-nothing talk, like my life is meaningless. I need to snap out of this and if that means that I have to ramble to a computer screen every day to do that, then so be it. I need to work on the being positive thing. I made a comment to a friend “I wish you knew me when I was happy, man I was great.” Ha, that’s ridiculous. Why am I not great now?   The only thing that is standing between me and happiness right now is myself. I need to learn to embrace life a little more and “roll with the punches.”

The things that I am dealing with in life right now are only minor blimps on the map or bumps on the road. I don’t know, some saying like that. I think you get the point. I was letting them define me, letting them take away my happiness, letting them rob me of an experience. No amount of crying or complaining will change the situation that I am in, so I need to work with it and not against it. This class debacle is a set-back. At the moment it seems like a major, education-in-jeopardy kind of a set-back, but nonetheless I’ll figure out a way to come out on top. I always do, somehow.  I’ll learn how to learn differently and then I’ll come at this class with a different plan of attack.

Thanks to the few friends who gave me the swift kick in the ass/pep-talk that I needed. You know who you are.

A Feeling of Failure

I feel as if my world is closing in around me and it is all that I can do to barely stay to the point that I don’t get crushed beneath it. I feel completely unlike the person who I used to be. Happy, outgoing, and SMART. The last one being the thing that I was most proud of. I was never good at sports, decent, never great. That gene, my brother inherited, not me. But school was my thing. I loved everything about it. The ability to learn more. Studying for exams and getting good grades was something that I lived for. Towards the end of my undergraduate degree I began to lose that love for everything but science. Science was the only thing that I wanted to spend my time on. Being in the lab was my sanctuary. I skipped hanging out with friends, I missed meals, I delayed weekend trips home so that I could work on project s in the lab. I wanted more of that, so grad school was my answer, or so I thought. I’ll skip the sappy details of a hiatus to Utah, the postponement of grad school, and all the steps that ultimately got me to where I sit, sobbing, at this very moment, right here at Missouri State University.

Why I decided to come back to undergrad is but a faint and distant memory and it is one that I am beginning to regret every day. I live in what seems to be a great town, with some great people, and a great atmosphere. I have no idea why I am here or what I am doing anymore. To be honest, I feel as if I am merely wasting my time and my family’s money being up here. I suppose you are wondering where this is coming from. These weirdo emotions that I am pouring out to this computer screen. I am struggling in a class that I love. A class that I find to be so fascinating, that I had hoped to one day earn a PhD in. Physiology. I absolutely from the bottom of my soul love this class, but for the life of me cannot do well on an exam. I study and question everything in an attempt to understand it even further, but I am doing something wrong. I know it is not the end of the world, or so I have been told, but boy it sure does feel like it is. What do you do when the only thing that you were certain of in yourself is slowly slipping from your grasp?

It makes me so nervous for graduate school. When applying to graduate school all they see is a piece of paper with a name and a birth date, some test scores, and my college grades. Where is the column that says I did this many extracurricular activities? Or I studied this many hours in an attempt for this class? I have an awesome personality and love people? To them, I am merely a piece of paper with subsequent numbers after my name. I can kiss my chance at an acceptance letter goodbye.

I do wish that I could say that moving up to Springfield was mostly positive, but unfortunately that would be a lie. Don’t get me wrong, I have met some FANTASTIC people during my time here. But the bad has outweighed the good. I am never in my life felt as alone as I do here. There is no one to talk to or to spend time with. It's myself and the library, which is where most of my time is spent. Thank goodness I have my training to keep me occupied a lot of the time. I come home to an empty house, muddle around before boredom eventually sets in and then I go to bed. What a fantastic life that I am leading. One that will one day ultimately go unnoticed and wasted. I begin to question why I am even here, not just in Springfield, but on this earth. I at one point in my life believed that I had been put here to make a difference in the lives of others, but right now I am not so sure. I suppose if I can make their day brighter with a fake smile that I put on to cover up my pain, then my mission has been accomplished.

This post sounds very negative, probably because as I am writing it I am very angry and upset. I am disappointed in myself and mentally and emotionally beat-down. I hold myself to higher standards than the ones that I have been producing and that further upsets me. I can take this as a learning experience and grow from it…later. But for now, I will cry and mourn over my performance and sleep away my sorrows. Tomorrow is a new day and it can only go up from here, I think.

XTERRA Eureka Springs

I remember blogging about this race last year. I remember the weeks leading up to it. The training, the preparation, and my freak-out/melt-down just days before. I was so worried that I couldn't do it. That I couldn't perform quite like I had in training...maybe that I would let my friends and family down, or worse let myself down. This year was no different. The week leading up to it was exactly the same. It was almost as if it were scripted from last year's edition. Late-night sobbing and the self-doubt that I had allowed to creep into my mind. Where had this come from? My training was on schedule, perhaps started a little later than ideal, but nonetheless on track. I was feeling good and even sleeping GREAT. That monster of "self-doubt" that I had allowed to get into my mind was beginning to destroy me, if I would let him.

Thank goodness for an awesome coach and amazing friends who were able to put me in my place. "Smile and have fun" and "pretend you're doing a brick with 130 of your closest friends" were the thoughts that kept running through my head. I went from a ball of jitters and anxiety to calm and relaxed.

I slept exceptionally well, given the circumstances and race morning was a blast. Not too many nerves. Seeing old friends and having my little niece and nephews to help me set up my bike definitely calmed me. I decided to take the swim slower than normal, not to push it. I hadn't been in the pool in over two weeks (MSU had it shut down for summer break). Caught up to the men's group and still somehow managed to come out of the water in 3rd place with a time of 16:49. (Like I said...I took it slow). I was in and out of T1 rather quickly.

They say NEVER to try new things on race day. So I tried two new things, racing with socks and without a Camelbak. I never was one to follow the norm. I decided to try racing in socks because I have been having problems with blisters, so thought that maybe this would be my solution. As for the Camelbak, I had forgotten it so I really had no choice. Ha.

(Lizz waving me into T2. All the way from Utah. AWESOME)

I got out on the bike and I felt AMAZING. So much better than I expected to feel. I walked the first major climb (as usual, to save my legs) and then hopped back on my bike. I tried to stay up with the men and the few women who had passed me on the climb. I keep my cadence high and my gearing low. I kept yelling out "on your left" and "out of the way" definitely not terms that I am used to saying, more like used to hearing. I pushed the bike pace feeling so good. Never in a bike race have I ridden with other racers for that long of time and what an exhilarating feeling it was. I got off the bike with pain as normal in the hips and back but a huge smile on my face. I don't know if I have ever come off the bike feeling that good. T2 was in and out.

Aly met me with Tre and Annie and they ran with me to the entrance of the run course. Seeing the excitment in their eyes getting to run with me was awesome. The plan was to walk the major climbs and sprint everything else. Like everything else in life, plans change and this race was no different. I was sprinting down a descent and stepped funny and tweeked my hip. From then on those 5 miles were rather painful. Whenever I would run, I would have shooting pain down the backside of my leg into my foot and my leg would buckle. Weirdest feeling to have only one leg give out. I was finally able to change my mechanics enough to the point where if I didn't land very hard of my right side it didn't hurt as bad. Whatver I had to do to get me through that finish line.

(Aly, Tre, Annie, and Will waiting for me at the finish-line)

I caught up to and passed three people. I felt so beat up towards the end but was once again met by my best friend and coach who ran me in to the shoot where I was greeted by my nephew who ran across the finish-line with me. It was an amazing experience to be able to share with so many friends and family. I came across the finish-line 5 minutes faster than the year before with a time of 3:41:34.

(Pretty sure this is when Aly told me I had Pr'd the course)

I shaved 14 minutes off my bike alone cutting is down from 2:17 the previous year to 2:03. Hello! I

can't wait to see what I can do when I am SUPER fit.

Driven By Anger

Anger is a great motivator. It can cause you to push yourself to limits you never thought possible. It can break you, it can even make you do things you never dreamed you'd bring yourself to do.

Anger for me is something that can be very positive when it comes to my training. I like to use it as fuel for my fire, to pump myself up that much more, or to push myself past prior limitations that other people had put upon me or that I have put upon myself. It causes me to swim harder, run faster, and to bike better.

So why am I talking about anger all of a sudden? Coming from the usually happy go-lucky kid. My last few weeks have been filled with anger, some caused by school, work, and some from training. I'm trying to use it as motivation to work harder. I have a new goal in mind for the upcoming season(s). One that I will not divulge because people have already told me it cannot be done.

Watch out world, because I'm a force to be reckoned with.

Ruston Race Recap

XTERRA Eureka Springs is only 2 weeks away. Am I ready? Probably not. Am I excited? Not really.

I say that not trying to sound negative or down, just speaking the truth, and the truth being that I am scared to death. Not at the race itself, because XT ES is one of the hardest XTERRAs on the circuit, but at the outcome.

I suppose I should update you on my last race and then you might realize why I'm a little hesitant to be excited over this one.

XTERRA Gator Terra (Ruston) is an awesome race, fantastic course, fun and fast. My training hadn't been going according to plan, my pre-ride sucked, and I wasn't feeling great going into race day. I tried to play it off like it was not a big deal and that a good night of sleep would be the cure-all to dead legs and a winded system. Boy was I wrong.

Ruston was the biggest debacle of my entire racing career. My swim was about the only good thing out of that day. 2nd female out of the water. I'm super happy with that, I was passing people left and right, got in and out of T1 fairly quickly, but as soon as I got on that bike my legs were toast. All I could do was to hang on for the rest of the race.

I got passed by countless people, started crying in the middle of the course, have never cursed the sport of triathlon more, and have never in my life been so close to quitting. There were so many times that I would stop and look out between the trees and realize that I could easily turn around right there. Thankfully I didn't because in my mind looking back, Ruston was a major learning experience.

I tried taking in Gu on the bike, which made me sick. By the time I made it back to T2 I was so far off my goal time it wasn't even worth looking at my watch anymore. As soon as I transitioned to the run I started cramping. Not just little cramps that work themselves out, full blown whole leg cramps. I walked most of the run, embarrassed and angry. I got passed and ultimately beat by a girl who had never ridden a MTB, didn't run, and couldn't swim more than 800m. I have never felt so deflated.

As I ran through the finish-line I was met with friends and congratulatory remarks, but I couldn't help but be thoroughly and utterly mad. I was 34 minutes slower than the previous year, which in my mind is pathetic. Now granted you can take into account a lot of factors here (school, injuries, training time, etc.) but to me they mean nothing. I should have gone out and performed the way that I know I am capable of performing.

So no I am not excited about racing in two weeks, but I will get over that. If it in turn will make me into a better racer in the long run, so be it.

On a happier note, last weekend I got go to the Kansas City 5i50 triathlon. Talk about fun! We must have had 25 people racing. What a great group to be apart of. Now if you are thinking that I am dabbling in road racing get your mind out of the gutter ha, I was only there as a cheerleader and support. I loved running around cheering for everyone and taking pictures. Getting up at 5 am is a little crazy but all in the name of sport. What a great day it was!

A Hope For Tomorrow

I feel like the further I get into my future, or I guess the further I progress into my life, the more questions that arise. I become more uncertain of the goals and the dreams that I had become so set on and gung-ho with. I become more than ever confused and searching for answers.

I feel like that now, that I live in this constant state of limbo. Am I a kid, an adult, a kid, adult? In school, out of school, real job, no job? The questions drive me crazy. With my uncertain future looming overhead I can do nothing more than question.

The past four years or so of my life was spent working on a biology degree. A degree that would allow me to go to medical school. For the longest time it was a dream of mine that I kept to myself and shared with no one. Now, I am of average intelligence, not SUPER wiz-kid smart but I'd like to think I know a thing or two. I worked to get a degree that would allow me to accomplish that goal. I was never driven by money or power, just but the ability to help others when in their weakest moments. I decided to forgo that dream, my grades weren't high enough, a professor told me I wasn't smart enough, my family talked me out of it, heck I talked myself out of it. Scared of attempting and failing. So I have decided on the next best thing, to become a PA (Physician Assistant) which is close enough to the real thing. The next 7 months might possibly make me crazy waiting to see if I am accepted. I am in the process of filling out applications, taking entrance exams, and getting letters of personal recommendations written.

I feel as if there must be an all-or-nothing principle applied to this. Somedays I want to give up on the career idea, move to Utah, open up a bike shop up in the mountains and ride my bike for the rest of my existence. Then there are the days like today, where I feel as if I should give up the racing and intense training and crawl into a hole until school is over.

Who knows anymore. I wish I had answers to these questions, so maybe they would stop eating at me. I find it hard to enjoy any activity because "I should be studying this or reading that." Hopefully in the end everything will work out the way it was suppose to.

Heck maybe I'll become a surgical PA and a professional XTERRA athlete. You never know, a girl can dream.

Think Until You Are

So since I have decided to take to be what seems an indefinite hiatus from the everloving Facebook, I have decided to blog more, just to make sure that all of you are updated on my life, just because I know that's what you were hoping for!

My first race of the season is ONE WEEK AWAY. Oh boy is it coming fast. I am beyond excited and scared out of my mind to think that race season is already upon us again.

Race season is awesome, for lack of a better word. If you have never experienced one I highly suggest that you do, whether you are a competitor, a spectator, or a bitter friend who got dragged along by guilt. It is something so magical, surreal, painful, and fun, it is sure to leave you with stories and memories for a lifetime. Okay, so back to the main point of this study break (blog update). I was talking to a friend yesterday, a friend who like myself is a triathlete, a very good one at that. We talked about racing and training, traveling and schedules, and qualifications. Yes, you heard me right qualifications. We talked about her goal and what is a soon-to-be reality of a pro-card.

Pro. Card. Those two words are heavy and light at the same time. How amazing it would be to become a pro-triathlete. To get paid to train and race doing a sport (well, technically it's three, but who is counting) that you absolutely love. I dream that one day I can venture down that path of having a pro-card that close within my grasp.

To be a top-level athlete it takes commitment, dedication, hard-work, and sacrifice. These qualities are not only for the days in which you feel good, but for the days that you are tired and don't feel well. Those days more than anything I think are what make an athlete strong.

Today for me is one of those days. I had a better night of sleep than normal, but for some reason woke up feeling tired and sore from a kick-butt brick yesterday (yes, it hurt that good). I have studying to do, quizzes to take, plans to prepare for the upcoming week, and workouts of my own to do. My head is pounding, my body is tired, and I would just like to take a nap in the middle of this library (please do not mistake this for complaining, because that is NOT what I am doing. Simply sharing my feelings). I am thinking about my 3500m swim that I need to get done, okay more like dreading it. But you know what, I am going to finish my plans and study guides, and then prance over to that pool like I own the place because that is what an elite would do.

If you only ever worked out on the days that you felt good, you would never get anything done.

So...happy training :)

Whole 30

So what I have been up to over the last 3 months besides school? Nothing out of the ordinary and nothing super exciting to report. Like I mentioned a few blogs ago I have been trying to focus and really fine-tune my eating habits. I am a self-proclaimed chocoholic! I will admit it. I love chocolate and have been trying to find a way to separate myself from this delicious confection. I may have found my answer...

Last month some of my GPP buddies from out west decided to have a challenge. A challenge that for 30 days would strip our diets of all the bad food that we as Americans love to eat. You can see another view about this from my friend Candice and her blog here (http://www.bodyofamother.com/) . Believe it or not, some of the foods that are deemed "healthy" or that we think are good for us really aren't. So we decided to join a movement, Whole 30 (http://whole9life.com/2012/01/whole-30-v2012/) . Now before you start rolling your eyes and click away, hear me out. Whole 30 is NOT some fad diet with a low calorie restriction, in fact there is NO calorie restriction. This program just promotes whole, natural, clean eating. There are no supplements, shakes, or bars to buy just guidelines for how you can eat cleaner.

It does call for you to cut out certain foods such as dairy, legumes, grains, and sugar. Believe it or not these foods can have a negative impact on your health and fitness without you even knowing.

Let me tell you this, I have never felt so good as when I was doing Whole 30. I was less tired, lethargic, and I felt better during my workouts. Whole 30 for me ended 3 days ago and you can bet what the first thing I had as soon as this challenge was complete, a chocolate bar. Oh my gosh I have never felt more sick from food in my entire life. It's funny how once you go without something for an extended period of time your body adapts beautifully. There is a quote that I stumbled across a few weeks ago that has stuck with me "if you put garbage in, you'll get garbage out." So with my first race of the season right around the corner I am going back to my Whole 30 way of eating for life.

Yep, you heard me right. First race of the season is less than 2 weeks away. I am excited and nervous. I have this hip pain that keeps flaring up. I went back to the doctor yesterday and got an injection, fingers crossed it helps A LOT. My race is XTERRA Gator Terra in Ruston, LA. Now I haven't been training for near as long as I had before I raced this one last year, but boy am I hungry for a win. Let's just say there is going to be a show-down on May 6th.

A Judged World

It has been 3 months since I posted on here last, eek where as the time gone? Sorry about that, but to answer that question time as gone to my studies, my labs, and did I mention my classes? School has been crazy and overwhelming and stressful, but I am beginning to once again enjoy it.

I was reminded of something this week about us as a society, a race, a community of people. Something that not only bothered me but provoked a response. That subject in which I am referring to is "judgement." I heard about it from a client at the gym, a fellow student on campus, and from someone within my own family.

Judgement is everywhere around us, in every movie or book that we read, and sometimes is something as simple as a look. In my own opinion I think no person has the right to judge another. Quoting a childhood scold, "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." With this age of facebook, twitter, and social media gone wild everybody has an opinion from behind a computer screen. (Now I realize that I at this very moment am sitting behind a computer screen while typing this. But if you see me feel free to ask. I have no problem expressing my opinion in person).

I get sick of people talking negatively about others, whether it be groups of people, races, christians/non-christians, dancers, musicians, whatever the group of people it may be. If they are different from you then they are automatically deemed as "weird." We were not put on this earth to judge, we were put here to love and respect one another as fellow humans. I don't know where in translation that this simple message got lost, but I think we need to find it again.

I wish people would be more accepting of others, listen to their story instead of putting them down. Everyone has had a long road that has helped shaped them into the person in which they have become.

The simple way that I am trying to better myself at everyday is to acknowledge people and listen to them. Treat them with the most kindness that I know how. This pertains to every person that I meet, differences in my opinion do not matter. We have become a world that is filled with hate. Where did all the love go?

In my final thought I will say this, it does not matter race, sexual orientation, economic status, handicapped or not, every person on this planet deserves the same respect as the next person.

Sorry this was not training/racing related, but I just needed to step up on my soapbox for a moment.

Motivational Bug

I love the liberation that you feel after you've completed a workout that you'd been dreading, one that you knew or thought was going to be hard. The feeling that you are slowing morphing back into an athlete or you are becoming stronger/faster with every step that you take.

I think the little bug "motivation" is slowly starting to creep back in. I went for a 6 mile run this morning. Double than any distance I have done in awhile and certainly the longest run that I have done since Nationals back in September. With every step I felt more empowered, stronger, like I was gaining back every ounce of fitness that I had slowly lost. I made sure to start slow and steady and to maintain that throughout the entire run, there was no need to go fast, just to complete the mileage, and let me tell you I felt fantastic at the end.

Did I forget to mention I'm training for a marathon? An off-road marathon.

A 26.2 mile run over dirt, rocks, and tree roots. I am excited. One race, that is all that I am planning on doing this year, just one. I do not want to get burned out again like I did last year. I love this stuff too much to give up on it again. I want to slowly integrate swimming back into my training. The biking can just stay for "fun."

So much has changed in the last few weeks. I moved out of my home, started at a new school in a new town, and left behind everyone I know and love. I must admit these last two weeks have been some of the toughest/loneliness weeks of my life. I thought moving out would be this amazing experience where I would finally be out and off on my own and that I would love every minute of it. Turns out I was wrong. I miss having people around to interact with. My books have become my friends. I thought I was a nerd before, I'm really a book worm now. It's funny how you throw yourself into something to avoid something else. I have thrown myself into my studies, my books give me something to do, something to waste my time with. I miss my Arkansas friends and having people to train with.

On a more positive note, my eating has certainly improved. I decided to give the Paleo Diet a try and I LOVE it. It is tough at first, but relatively simple. You eat how cavemen ate 10,000 years ago. So lots of fruits and veggies, lean meats, beans and nuts. I feel so much better. I was finally able to kick the sugar and soda habit, finally.

Well, that is all for now. I need to get back to the books. I have a test in two weeks I need to study for.

So the Motivation Begins...

With a new year/season upon me, I have watched my New Year's resolutions quickly pass by and become yet another statistic of ridiculous but failed attempts to better improve myself. I proclaimed to never eat sugar again, never let another sip of soda pass over my lips, and I'm pretty sure I said that I would give up dairy and something else. Notice something about my resolutions? They are all about food. I figure if I give myself the "all or nothing" option that it would help me to stay away from all of these things that really aren't that great for me. I'm trying to lose the few pounds that I managed to put on during my hiatus in the off-season that lasted a little too long.

Over the past few weeks, as I watch my friends get back into training schedules and signing up for races, I am still finding it hard to get motivated to train. This week I have successfully completed all my workouts but one (Sundays are hard to drag myself out of the house). Even though I have done that my eating has not been what is could or should be. I did well for a few days but eventually self-sabotage kicked in and I am back to square one.

I believe that to truly change you have to be willing and ready to be successful. I suppose I just wasn't ready to give-up the candy bars and diet coke. I feel strangely different today (after I ruined a perfect 3 day attempt to get off of sugar) and much more motivated than before. So I'm posting it here that I am ready to change my eating and get back to training. They say to post it somewhere that people can see it, it helps to keep you motivated when other people know what's going on.

I love the atmosphere that comes along with triathlon. It is an atmosphere that is unlike any that I have ever come across with overwhelming amounts of support, so much knowledge, and great people to train with. Along with that there is an obsession with performance, results, race weights, and numbers. With most people that I meet there is a thought process to get lighter, because theoretically the lighter you are the faster that you can go. I got sucked into that, focusing solely on what my weight was and not focusing on my results. Yes I love to win races, but the main reason that I compete in triathlon is to be healthy and to keep my weight under control.

So my vow for this upcoming season is to train to be healthy, to be fit and toned, and to compete with a uninjured, well fueled body. I will eat to live NOT live to eat. So here are the guidelines that I am setting for myself:

1. If it didn't have a mother or come from the ground, I will NOT eat it.
2. It is time for my beloved soda to stay on that grocery store shelf, permanently.
3. Vegetables, vegetables, vegetables.
4. Avoid dairy, I'll make sure to take my vitamins instead.
5. Ride my mountain bike at least once a week, even if it's just for fun.
6. Post on my blog how this escapade of mine is going, the only way to keep myself accountable is to tell others what I'm doing.
7. Get STRONGER!

So there it is, the goals that I have set for myself starting on January 9, 2012. It's time to take myself and my training to the next level.

Oh and don't be afraid to ask/nag me about how it's going. That's a great way to keep me motivated.