I never know how to start these blog posts. I always sit down with something in mind that I want to talk about, the words flow through my head so quickly that I can't keep track of them and then by the time I sit down to write there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Can I play the "brain card" here? If you don't get that reference you can look at my NYE post from a few years ago.
I'm sitting at my desk pondering where to start on my "to-do" list that includes 27 different things I need to get done, by yesterday. Needless to say I'm procrastinating, like normal. I've had enough caffeine to overdose a baby elephant so maybe I can get some things done later...
We're already in March, specifically the 63rd day of 2018. It blows my mind how fast time seems to move. Wasn't I just in Europe like last week? And preparing for my brother's wedding last month? They say time flies when you're having fun and let's be real, I have been having a lot of fun lately. I started a post recapping 2017, but I never published it. I don't know why. I got half through and decided it was boring so it is sitting in my draft folder. The beginning of this year was hard for me, I went through a breakup that affected more than I thought it would or should, I guess. For those of you who know me I am not an emotionally attached person, even though I try my hardest not to be, or at least hide it. "Try" being the key word there since my emotions might as well be tattooed on my forehead. It takes an extreme amount of work on my part to open up to people about my past, the hardships and traumas I've dealt with, my insecurities, my lack of self-confidence. I have perfected the art of putting up walls with people in order to prevent myself from being hurt, which is silly because how can you have a meaningful connection with someone if you aren't true to yourself and allow them to get to know the real you? (This is something that I question every. single. freaking. day). I'm working on this and I believe that it will be a life-long process. Anywho, my point is that I took a leap of faith last year and allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable. It was scary as hell revealing my scars, physical and emotional, and essentially giving someone a look into the real me. It was scary and exhilarating and freeing and traumatic and ....insert any adjectives you'd like here. The experience was eye-opening for me. It taught me that by allowing myself to be vulnerable like that can lead to so much growth and healing. Even though the person that I shared that experience with is no longer apart of my life I can still look back and be thankful.
Fast forward to the beginning of the semester, classes have started (YAY! I love being back in school). I have met all kinds of new and interesting people. I am in my happy place. My walls are up, just enough that I can get to know new people, but they won't get to know me. I am comfortable, I am in my space. I am keeping everyone at arm's distance because that is what I do, from there is where I operate. *Cue new friend busting into my life demanding to be apart of it. Literally that's how I feel that it happened. At a point in my life where I was content to push everyone away, they kicked down my walls and illuminated my life in a way that few people have ever done. I have never clicked with someone so fast, as if you have known them for years, they seem to understand you better than you understand yourself. Never experienced the freedom to be truly and utterly my ridiculous self...to the point where I am laughing so hard that I am crying, snorting, and having trouble breathing. Or sobbing because of something that happened to me when I was younger. We connected on a level where I was comfortable sharing my deepest and most guarded secrets, ones that I have never even said out loud before. I allowed myself to be vulnerable again, even though it scared me...and still does every day. I feel like I give a piece of myself to everyone I let into my life and eventually I will have no more of me left to give to anyone else. I bring this up because I caught myself reverting back to the insecure little girl who is used to disappointment. I made a stupid comment that was met with a "what the hell do you mean by that?" look. As soon as I said it I had a sinking feeling, pit of my stomach I need to vomit feeling. I don't even know why I said it. Maybe I was uncomfortable with how close I have let myself get to this person, maybe I was trying to prepare myself for them to leave, or maybe...who knows. It was stupid on my part. This person has shown me nothing but love and acceptance and I backhanded them with an insult that wasn't even warranted. I hurt them, which makes me feel, I need something better than "absolutely terrible." I let my insecurities come out in a situation where they shouldn't have. We hugged, I cried, they laughed, all is right in the world again.
I decided to write about this because it has been bothering me lately. It bothers me that I continue to allow my past to dictate my interactions with people. Not everyone will take a piece of me when they go, not everyone will use me to further their agenda, people will be put in my life to love me and for me to love them. This process, for me anyway, is a lifelong journey. It is a way of continuing to discover who I am and allowing people to come into my life and embrace who I am, even if I am not quite there myself.
On that note I believe that is all I have to rant about for now. I thank God every day for the people who have come into my life and continue to love me unconditionally even on days that I struggle to love myself...and for people who allow me to love them the best way I know how.
