Saturday, November 23, 2013

Another Goodbye

Death is suffocating and can take the happiest of spirits and damper them. It brings with it an overwhelming feeling of grief, guilt, anger, and whatever other feeling you want to insert here. I mentioned in my last post that I had never fully experienced a death so close to home as the lose of my grandparent's best friend two weeks ago. It seems that God decided to call another one of his people home.

Last Monday I lost my grandfather. A man whom I hadn't spoken to in years, but with his passing it hit me like a freight train. Two deaths in a matter of eight days is taxing on the emotions. It's is taxing on the body, but most of all on the soul. My grandfather was a man of many things; he was stationed at Pearl Harbor during WWII, he was famous for his story telling, and he was a man that my brother and I looked to with amazement in our eyes. Grandparents are very special people. They've gone through their years of discipline with their own children and it is now an opportunity to spoil those grandchildren. Story telling was his way of spoiling us. My brother and I were the youngest of his grandchildren, by a good 10 years. Whenever he'd visit we would stay up for hours listening to him tell his war stories, jokes, or any random story of the troublemaking my dad and his brothers got into. Even as a child, every Christmas we would call my Grandpa Martin (thinking it was Santa) and go on and on about what we wanted, how good we'd been, and he would merely egg us on with further questions.

We lost contact when my dad and I parted ways, or should I say I parted ways with him. My grandfather couldn't understand what on this earth could move me to not speak to my father anymore, it was a story that he didn't need to hear. I regret the fact that he died upset with me, for not reaching out and making amends with him. It scares me because it makes me realize that my mom's parents don't have that much time left, and it makes me sad just to think about the relationship that was missed out on over the last couple of years. It makes you realize what you have and it makes you realize what you want.

I have an ache in my stomach for the men who were called home over the past couple of weeks. At least they were taken to a better place and without pain.

Death is hard, but undeniably inevitable. May you forever rest in peace and know that you were always loved, from a distance. Grandpa Martin 11.11.13

Saturday, November 9, 2013

"Are You Paying Attention?" - Sincerely, Life

Life has a great way of punching you in the mouth when you aren't paying attention, a kind reminder that you have gotten sidetracked with things. I got my punch in the mouth last weekend. Everybody and their mother knows that grad school has consumed my life...which is totally fine and I love what I am studying. I have a bad habit of secluding myself from the outside world when I am overwhelmed or stressed and I miss things, miss out on a lot of things I should say.

So far my first semester in grad school has been challenging, interesting, and above all mentally pushing (for lack of a better word). There is so much information out there that I am learning and have yet to learn. It is a fun and stressful experience all at the same time. With a commitment, one such as big as grad school, I am beginning to miss things. Miss my friends, my family, and normal hours and routines are beginning to change. Perhaps I am beginning to change.

This year has been a roller coaster with plenty of ups and certainly some downs. My mother was diagnosed with cancer in February. Something that a child never wants to hear. For so many years she had taken care of me and now it was my turn to step in and take care of her. For a recent update, she is doing well! She has passed all of her check-ups and looks to be in the clear. Cancer is scary, a scary word in itself and I pray that no one has to go through it or have a family member go through it. Unfortunately I got news last month that my best friend's mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. (This is the beginning of my punch in the mouth experience) when a friend's family goes through something like this, you go through it with them. You are there for support and encouragement, and hold the experience to perhaps ease their pain and fears, if only just a little bit.

I have a thing for people. When they hurt, I hurt. I care so much for the people who are in my life and who make it a great one. Earlier last week I got a call from a client who lost everything to a fire. Her dog and cat, her memories, and her home. My heart broke for her, even more so that there was nothing that I could do to help, but give her words of encouragement. Then last Saturday, (the full fledged punch) I got news that a close family friend passed away. Now I have yet to experience a death close to my family, so this was a first for me. Emotions ran rapid and I felt as if I couldn't control them. As my mom explained to me what had happened tears rolled down my face and my heart broke again, mainly for my grandparents and the wife of this beloved gentleman, as he was a major part of their lives.

Ted Cox, was my grandparents best friend. He was an integral part of my childhood/teen rebellion at the church where I grew up. Whenever he would come to our house for a visit he was always intrigued to know what was going on in my life. How is school? What are you studying? How many boys are chasing you? Typical questions. Ha. He was never without a joke or a smile and was loved by all who crossed his path. He reminded me of my grandfather, with his love for others and his reliance in answering my million questions. Ted was a retired veterinarian who loved helping people out with their pets. I have many memories of my grandpa, Ted, and I playing with my dog Max and him sharing his wealth of knowledge with me. He was a man with one of the kindest hearts that I have ever known and he is already greatly missed. It hurt to have to miss his funeral this weekend, and I pray that he's okay with that. I know he's looking down from heaven probably laughing about the whole thing.

I am not one who likes to talk about death, I think I have this secret hope that science will one day figure out a way for me to live forever. Haha. But when faced with tragedies such as this it makes me think. Makes me think about the person that I am and the one that I am becoming. What is it that I want to be remembered for? And the image that I want to leave behind?

I learned a long time ago that love and respect work far better than anger or hatred. I try to show love to everyone in my life. I try to go out of my way to make someone's day brighter or a little better, whether that be with a kind gesture or merely a smile. I've learned through this situation that time is precious, probably the most precious thing because ours is limited (cliché I know). I have learned that 20 seconds of insane, undeniable courage is better than none, and that doing things that excite you and scare you help you grow into a better and stronger person. I tell people how I feel because as I said, we don't have a whole lot of time on this planet, so why not go out on a limb to make someone's day better or tell someone that you care about them?

Believe me it's the best feeling in the world to open your heart to people, it may hurt sometimes, but the rewards are far better than the risks. I pray that I am remembered as Ted will be. A person who gives to and loves those whom she cares about, as well people I have never met.

May you forever rest in peace Ted. Know that we love you and miss you down here. Give God a hug for me will ya?

RIP Ted Cox 11.2.2013

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