The End of What Was

It’s 11:45pm on New Year’s Eve. The Bourne Ultimatum is on pause on the  TV in the background and my phone is buzzing non-stop with “Happy New Year” texts. I’ve been reflecting all day on the events of 2012. Thinking back, many of them I would like to forget. This year has seen more tears than smiles, heard more cries than laughs, and has been one of utter heartbreak.

In case you haven’t noticed, that is for the few who actually read my blog, I’ve been MIA for the last few months, okay like several months. This blog was supposed to be about my journey as an athlete, an off-road triathlete, one who was going to go places and do great things. The training, the racing, the competition and everything that comes along with that. It was a blog to take you (anyone interested in reading) along on the journey with me. I’ve been MIA because I am no longer a triathlete, no longer a mountain biker, and no longer an athlete.

Too many crazy stunts and perhaps too much carelessness lead me to being diagnosed with post-concussive syndrome, as one doctor put it or a TBI (traumatic brain injury), according to another…such ugly words aren’t they? Either way you word it, it still means exactly the same thing. No more biking. Not exactly what a 23 year-old aspiring XTERRA Champion wants to hear, and with that my racing/riding career was over. Almost as quickly as the day it started [This is the first time that I have been able to type/say this out loud without bursting into tears]. I lost a major part of myself the day that my doctor told me that I needed to decide what I wanted out of life. I chose for the sake of my health, that my brain was more important. Luckily my injury is mild, I forget things easier than I used too and if I read something – forget it. I won’t really be able to tell you much what it’s about. Might not sound like a big deal to you, but it’s a huge game changer for me. I’ve been super hesitant to share this with anyone because I don’t want anyone’s pity, sympathy, or judgments. But I am a strong enough person to overcome this and to thrive with it. I think I’ve finally come to a point where I’m okay to share this now. It is now a part of who I am and it makes me ME, so I better start embracing it.

An event like this makes you question a lot of things, like decisions that were made, sacrifices, relationships and friendships that were missed out on. I keep coming back to the question, was it worth it? And my honest to God answer most days is “YES it was worth it.” Through racing I was blessed with so many friends, amazing experiences, and I got to race/ride in some of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. While my “career” wasn’t as long as I had hoped for, I finally decided it was time to stop mourning the loss of it and celebrate what I got to enjoy from it. For it was when I was on my bike that was when I was truly my happiest.

I’m not going to lie and say that I have 100% accepted what has happened. I still cry myself to sleep some nights and I still find my attention being drawn to a passing cyclist, or my longing to have the wind and dust in my face going down a descent. That is a part of me that I am not quite willing to give up yet, a part of me that might just always be there.

Right now I am just Jess. I have no identifier or title. Merely a culmination of my past experiences stitched together to give you the person that I am today.

A person whose role has changed from athlete to cheerleader (we need to find a new title for this – I can’t picture myself as such…”superfan”maybe? I mean, I do own a cape for goodness sake) to support my friends. A person who loves what she does, training and beating the ever-living crap out of people, only to make them into stronger athletes (I get a little too much joy out of this…but it’s for the client’s benefit. I PROMISE).  A person who cares too much about people and wants to help everyone. I try to play it off like I don’t care sometimes, but I do. Ha. A person who is over the moon to hopefully be starting grad school next summer…that way I can learn how to even more accurately beat up on my athletes (I’m sure they are just elated about that, if you didn’t catch the sarcasm in that…you should’ve). And a person who is slowly but surely finding her way back to the big man upstairs and embracing the woman who she is becoming.