A Feeling of Failure

I feel as if my world is closing in around me and it is all that I can do to barely stay to the point that I don’t get crushed beneath it. I feel completely unlike the person who I used to be. Happy, outgoing, and SMART. The last one being the thing that I was most proud of. I was never good at sports, decent, never great. That gene, my brother inherited, not me. But school was my thing. I loved everything about it. The ability to learn more. Studying for exams and getting good grades was something that I lived for. Towards the end of my undergraduate degree I began to lose that love for everything but science. Science was the only thing that I wanted to spend my time on. Being in the lab was my sanctuary. I skipped hanging out with friends, I missed meals, I delayed weekend trips home so that I could work on project s in the lab. I wanted more of that, so grad school was my answer, or so I thought. I’ll skip the sappy details of a hiatus to Utah, the postponement of grad school, and all the steps that ultimately got me to where I sit, sobbing, at this very moment, right here at Missouri State University.

Why I decided to come back to undergrad is but a faint and distant memory and it is one that I am beginning to regret every day. I live in what seems to be a great town, with some great people, and a great atmosphere. I have no idea why I am here or what I am doing anymore. To be honest, I feel as if I am merely wasting my time and my family’s money being up here. I suppose you are wondering where this is coming from. These weirdo emotions that I am pouring out to this computer screen. I am struggling in a class that I love. A class that I find to be so fascinating, that I had hoped to one day earn a PhD in. Physiology. I absolutely from the bottom of my soul love this class, but for the life of me cannot do well on an exam. I study and question everything in an attempt to understand it even further, but I am doing something wrong. I know it is not the end of the world, or so I have been told, but boy it sure does feel like it is. What do you do when the only thing that you were certain of in yourself is slowly slipping from your grasp?

It makes me so nervous for graduate school. When applying to graduate school all they see is a piece of paper with a name and a birth date, some test scores, and my college grades. Where is the column that says I did this many extracurricular activities? Or I studied this many hours in an attempt for this class? I have an awesome personality and love people? To them, I am merely a piece of paper with subsequent numbers after my name. I can kiss my chance at an acceptance letter goodbye.

I do wish that I could say that moving up to Springfield was mostly positive, but unfortunately that would be a lie. Don’t get me wrong, I have met some FANTASTIC people during my time here. But the bad has outweighed the good. I am never in my life felt as alone as I do here. There is no one to talk to or to spend time with. It's myself and the library, which is where most of my time is spent. Thank goodness I have my training to keep me occupied a lot of the time. I come home to an empty house, muddle around before boredom eventually sets in and then I go to bed. What a fantastic life that I am leading. One that will one day ultimately go unnoticed and wasted. I begin to question why I am even here, not just in Springfield, but on this earth. I at one point in my life believed that I had been put here to make a difference in the lives of others, but right now I am not so sure. I suppose if I can make their day brighter with a fake smile that I put on to cover up my pain, then my mission has been accomplished.

This post sounds very negative, probably because as I am writing it I am very angry and upset. I am disappointed in myself and mentally and emotionally beat-down. I hold myself to higher standards than the ones that I have been producing and that further upsets me. I can take this as a learning experience and grow from it…later. But for now, I will cry and mourn over my performance and sleep away my sorrows. Tomorrow is a new day and it can only go up from here, I think.