No one said it was going to be easy, they just said that it would be worth it.
This popped into my head earlier tonight and it seemed to stick there. I've been going over and over this quote in my head. By no means has this journey been easy, but I do know that it will be worth it. It'll just take some time to see that.
Like I said in my last post I feel like I'm starting to get back...emphasis on the word "starting." This week I am feeling unlike myself more than ever. I have embraced my down week! I have been so tired; physically and mentally exhausted. I thought that a down week would help but not so much. My weight has been up (now I know what you are thinking. Some over-obsessive athlete worrying about a few pounds) but I've seemed to put on 10 pounds in 3 weeks. Which is way weird seeing as my training plans consists of 12 hours or more most weeks. Now I will admit I have had two mess-up days since embarking on this nutrition regimen. Uh so frustrating since I am trying to get to a race weigh...35 pounds below what I currently am. Ha perhaps a liquid diet would serve me good for a few weeks (kidding!).
I have been so tired. I suppose the good news out of all of this is that I am sleeping again. I am afraid to say anything, I might just jinx it. Ha I hope I don't do that. Have to admit, I do not miss though many weeks of sleepless nights I had. I am sleeping a lot, waking up tired, and am zapped of energy throughout the day. I have to drag myself off of the couch just to walk to the bathroom. What is going on here?
Speaking of the couch. That has become my new habitat. That is where I spend all of my evenings and when I am not working or training, you can find me curled up upon that brown leather sofa. I have changed so much that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I went from the girl who never even turned on the tv, heck I couldn't sit still long enough to watch it, to the girl who is laying in front of it all the time.
I find myself pushing my friends away, refusing to let them in. I used to be able to go to them for help and guidance, and in a time where I probably need them the most all I have managed to do is to alienate myself and push them even farther away from me. I seem to do this in times that I am struggling. Instead of letting someone in to help, I shut down, keep my mouth shut, and turn away. Afraid that I might be looked down upon or ridiculed for my ridiculous feelings of low self-confidence. I wish that I could sit them down and tell them everything that is going on inside this head on mine. But it is easier to push them away than get them involved in my dumb emotions. I find it easier to talk to a computer screen sometimes than to actual people. Now something is wrong with this picture...
This is something that I need to fix on my own. "Buck up and quit being a girl" is what a friend of mine would say. *Sigh* if only I could find the strength to do that...perhaps I'll find it hidden under a rock somewhere. Maybe my upcoming races will snap me out of this lull I have been in all summer. I've got to figure out something. I hate this feeling.
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