No one said it was going to be easy, they just said that it would be worth it.
This popped into my head earlier tonight and it seemed to stick there. I've been going over and over this quote in my head. By no means has this journey been easy, but I do know that it will be worth it. It'll just take some time to see that.
Like I said in my last post I feel like I'm starting to get back...emphasis on the word "starting." This week I am feeling unlike myself more than ever. I have embraced my down week! I have been so tired; physically and mentally exhausted. I thought that a down week would help but not so much. My weight has been up (now I know what you are thinking. Some over-obsessive athlete worrying about a few pounds) but I've seemed to put on 10 pounds in 3 weeks. Which is way weird seeing as my training plans consists of 12 hours or more most weeks. Now I will admit I have had two mess-up days since embarking on this nutrition regimen. Uh so frustrating since I am trying to get to a race weigh...35 pounds below what I currently am. Ha perhaps a liquid diet would serve me good for a few weeks (kidding!).
I have been so tired. I suppose the good news out of all of this is that I am sleeping again. I am afraid to say anything, I might just jinx it. Ha I hope I don't do that. Have to admit, I do not miss though many weeks of sleepless nights I had. I am sleeping a lot, waking up tired, and am zapped of energy throughout the day. I have to drag myself off of the couch just to walk to the bathroom. What is going on here?
Speaking of the couch. That has become my new habitat. That is where I spend all of my evenings and when I am not working or training, you can find me curled up upon that brown leather sofa. I have changed so much that sometimes I don't even recognize myself. I went from the girl who never even turned on the tv, heck I couldn't sit still long enough to watch it, to the girl who is laying in front of it all the time.
I find myself pushing my friends away, refusing to let them in. I used to be able to go to them for help and guidance, and in a time where I probably need them the most all I have managed to do is to alienate myself and push them even farther away from me. I seem to do this in times that I am struggling. Instead of letting someone in to help, I shut down, keep my mouth shut, and turn away. Afraid that I might be looked down upon or ridiculed for my ridiculous feelings of low self-confidence. I wish that I could sit them down and tell them everything that is going on inside this head on mine. But it is easier to push them away than get them involved in my dumb emotions. I find it easier to talk to a computer screen sometimes than to actual people. Now something is wrong with this picture...
This is something that I need to fix on my own. "Buck up and quit being a girl" is what a friend of mine would say. *Sigh* if only I could find the strength to do that...perhaps I'll find it hidden under a rock somewhere. Maybe my upcoming races will snap me out of this lull I have been in all summer. I've got to figure out something. I hate this feeling.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
What A Ride It's Been
It's been awhile since I posted last and so many things have happened over the past week and a half. Let me tell ya.
Training is going better! I feel stronger yet run-down and some days weaker at the same time. Doesn't really make any sense but whatevs. I'm just happy I'm starting to get back in the groove of things.
I did my first set of hill repeats on the run. Woah baby were my legs burning! So I was supposed to find a hill that was 4-5% grade and about a mile and a half long. Well my first mistake, choosing a hill that was 11.8% grade. Ha I guess that made it that much more fun having a friend laughing with you all the way up and all the way down. Let's just say I had problems walking for a few days after that one!
(Oh Julie and I having too much fun!)
I got hit by a car on my bike. That made for a pretty interesting bike ride to say the least. I'm okay, no big deal. Still shaken up a little bit from that but working on trying not to cringe every time a car drives past me. My road bike has been in the shop for almost a week now. What's taking so long? I'm starting to feel lost without it!
I finally finally got out on the mountain bike today. Unbelievable how I could let a month slip by without going out on the trails. I missed it so much and definitely forgot that mountain biking takes its own kind of "fitness." This morning I went out and rode with a friend at Hobbs State Park. Now for those of you that don't know, Hobbs is a relatively flat, flowy trail that isn't really hard at all or physically challenging, and boy did I suffer this morning. My hands cramped around my handlebars, I was sucking air like no other, and I had problems keeping up. Geez never again will I let a month go by without riding my poor mountain bike. EVER. I loved being out there so much! I forgot how at peace I feel when I am out there. Like everything that is weighing me down has been lifted right off my shoulders!
I have to admit that this last week has been weird...but a good weird I think! I feel like I'm starting to get back to being myself a little more each day!
Training is going better! I feel stronger yet run-down and some days weaker at the same time. Doesn't really make any sense but whatevs. I'm just happy I'm starting to get back in the groove of things.
I did my first set of hill repeats on the run. Woah baby were my legs burning! So I was supposed to find a hill that was 4-5% grade and about a mile and a half long. Well my first mistake, choosing a hill that was 11.8% grade. Ha I guess that made it that much more fun having a friend laughing with you all the way up and all the way down. Let's just say I had problems walking for a few days after that one!
(Oh Julie and I having too much fun!)I got hit by a car on my bike. That made for a pretty interesting bike ride to say the least. I'm okay, no big deal. Still shaken up a little bit from that but working on trying not to cringe every time a car drives past me. My road bike has been in the shop for almost a week now. What's taking so long? I'm starting to feel lost without it!
I finally finally got out on the mountain bike today. Unbelievable how I could let a month slip by without going out on the trails. I missed it so much and definitely forgot that mountain biking takes its own kind of "fitness." This morning I went out and rode with a friend at Hobbs State Park. Now for those of you that don't know, Hobbs is a relatively flat, flowy trail that isn't really hard at all or physically challenging, and boy did I suffer this morning. My hands cramped around my handlebars, I was sucking air like no other, and I had problems keeping up. Geez never again will I let a month go by without riding my poor mountain bike. EVER. I loved being out there so much! I forgot how at peace I feel when I am out there. Like everything that is weighing me down has been lifted right off my shoulders!
I have to admit that this last week has been weird...but a good weird I think! I feel like I'm starting to get back to being myself a little more each day!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Joy of Triumph
It's been two and a half years. Two and a half years filled with pain, tears, agony, triumph, and accomplishment. Two and a half years since I was given the news that I would never run again, never play again, or possibly never even walk again. Having an experimental surgery to fix my broken body was one of the scariest yet bravest decisions I think I have ever made. Its a decision that I am reminded of everyday, one that I am still coming to terms with. When I look in the mirror at the two 16 inch scars that cascade down my outer hips and thighs I am reminded of how far I have come and the battles that I have fought, some that I have lost and so many that I have won.
I experience the pain of this decision almost everyday. There are days that are pain free and there are other days when I question what I was thinking. Those are the hard days. The training days in which you want to push your body to go further but the pain and the agony is too much to handle. These are the days that mentally break me. I question if I can ever achieve an Ironman or Half Ironman status. When I can't even make it through a 50 mile ride without excruciating amounts of pain. These are the days that break me even more. I know I will have physical limitations. Limitations that I am trying to break. Every time that I make it through a hard training session on the bike or the run I am reminded of my feats. Reminded that I refused to take "NO" for an answer.
Going through this has taught me many things. It taught me how to stand up and fight. It taught me that there is more to life than soccer. It taught me to believe in myself and to never let anyone dictate what will become of me. It taught me than overcoming the impossible is very well attainable and most of all it taught me that I am stronger than what I once thought.
I have no idea why these thoughts weighed so heavily on my mind this morning. Maybe it was my 4:40 bike ride on Sunday that I struggled to make it through when I was hurting only 45 minutes it. Maybe its because I caught a glimpse of my scars in the mirror. Maybe its because when I put my hand on my hip I felt the curvature of my scars. Maybe its because that today I needed to remind myself that I am so much stronger than I feel right now.
I experience the pain of this decision almost everyday. There are days that are pain free and there are other days when I question what I was thinking. Those are the hard days. The training days in which you want to push your body to go further but the pain and the agony is too much to handle. These are the days that mentally break me. I question if I can ever achieve an Ironman or Half Ironman status. When I can't even make it through a 50 mile ride without excruciating amounts of pain. These are the days that break me even more. I know I will have physical limitations. Limitations that I am trying to break. Every time that I make it through a hard training session on the bike or the run I am reminded of my feats. Reminded that I refused to take "NO" for an answer.
Going through this has taught me many things. It taught me how to stand up and fight. It taught me that there is more to life than soccer. It taught me to believe in myself and to never let anyone dictate what will become of me. It taught me than overcoming the impossible is very well attainable and most of all it taught me that I am stronger than what I once thought.
I have no idea why these thoughts weighed so heavily on my mind this morning. Maybe it was my 4:40 bike ride on Sunday that I struggled to make it through when I was hurting only 45 minutes it. Maybe its because I caught a glimpse of my scars in the mirror. Maybe its because when I put my hand on my hip I felt the curvature of my scars. Maybe its because that today I needed to remind myself that I am so much stronger than I feel right now.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Accomplishment
It's been awhile since I was on here. So I suppose I should update you as to what has been going on.
Let's see...XTERRA Eureka Springs what a weekend, what a day, what a race. To be honest I don't think I could have been more on my game. I arrived at transition ready, pumped and more than ready to race. Swim was great. 2nd female out of the water. T1 was sorta slow then off on the bike. I was nervous but confident in my "new" ride. My bike rode like a dream, almost like it never had before. I took the bike slow and steady making sure to be cautious. I did not need to mess up this race. I rode more downhills and attempted more technical sections than I ever had. What is it about a race that makes you more daring than normal? I don't know and I certainly don't care. Whatever it is, it helped me conquer a feat that I had before doubted. I am proud to say that I did not have one single crash on the bike, no blood was drawn, and no tears were shed. How awesome is that? The run was amazing. I followed the plan...walk the inclines and hammer it out on the flats. And boy did I fly along those flat sections. It was such an amazing feeling! Halfway through the run my body started to falter. I got dizzy and tripped. I sliced my knee open on a rock. I guess every race has to end with some blood right? Got my second wind and powered through passing 8 people on the run. I was estatic. Turning the last corner I was running on fumes. I starting talking to myself, egging myself on to make it to that finish line and never once looking over my shoulder. Nope...because I had this race in the bag. I crossed that finish line and dropped. Luckily I fell into someone's arms. As I was being carried to the ice bath the only thing that I could mutter was "I executed the perfect race." The perfect race being to drop at the finish line, using every last ounce of expendable energy to get you home. I layed in the ice bath completely delirious for half an hour. Not comprehending who was speaking to me or what was being said. First in my age group and fifth overall woman. Not bad for a day's work.
The race was amazing. The volunteers and fans were more than I could have asked for, so encouraging and excited. This by far was the best race experience I have ever had. Kudos to the race director and my friend Shawn Wierick for putting on a spectacular race. It was one that will never be forgotten.
XTERRA Dawg Days: June 25, 2011
If it seems to be a recurring theme that I love to race XTERRA's that's because it is. It is a thrill, a rush, and a high that can be compared to nothing else. The technicality and the focus that it takes to try and keep your bike upright while battling a tree stump or a small ravine is something that I find completely exhilarating.
XTERRA #3. So excited and calm before this race. Going into this one I felt like a seasoned veteran, although yes I am still a rookie, not nervous just plain excited. As we got to the course, yep I dragged a friend into this one, and set up transition I began to look around. To see all the familiar faces and the face of my competition. I spotted her quickly. Petite, quiet, and the face of a stern warrior. So pumped and ready I put her out of my mind, vowing to never look over my shoulder, to never have doubts, only to focus on my race and what I was capable of doing.
To say that I was off my game is an understatement. I had a great swim, fastest ever but after that things slowly started to go downhill. My bike portion was terrible. I wrecked two miles into a 12 mile course. Trying not to let that shake me I picked myself up and tried to focus, to get my head back in the game. Much harder than I had anticipated. I stood there as blood was streaming from my elbow and knee, completely covered in dirt. I let people pass me just trying to get it back together. I walked my bike for awhile collecting my thoughts. Although the doubts began to creep in. "What am I doing? Maybe I shouldn't have raced. Why are my legs so dead?" These thoughts flowed through my mind. I thought about how my coach, Shawn, had told me not to race. After all I hadn't been sleeping, I was tired and exhausted. But I being the bull-headed stubborn person that I am decided to come down and gut it out.
I finally got the nerves to get back on my bike. My ride was not fast at all. I practically coasted through the next 10 miles trying to stay upright and just make it back to T2. I made it back an hour and forty minutes later. Performed a perfect flying dismount. Was so stoked over that one, and began the run. My legs were shot, dead, and felt like lead weights. But I just talked to myself. "It's alright you've got this." Over and over again I would repeat. I planned on walking/running for the rest of the run portion but as I began this my legs came to and I felt like I was getting a second wind. With a mile to go I noticed my competition on a switchback below where I was. Boy did that ever give me new legs. No way was I going to be beat by this girl let alone a first time XTERRA racer. No way! I put it into 4th gear and took off. I was flying. It's only a mile right? I don't think that I have ever run that fast in my entire life. As I rounded the corner to the finish line I knew I had left her behind, 4 minutes later she came in behind me.
Gutting it out was not a pleasurable experience by any means, but it felt good to know that I could dig deep. I took home 1st in the age group (again) and 6th overall in the women. Not a great race but an enjoyable weekend with friends.
Let's see...XTERRA Eureka Springs what a weekend, what a day, what a race. To be honest I don't think I could have been more on my game. I arrived at transition ready, pumped and more than ready to race. Swim was great. 2nd female out of the water. T1 was sorta slow then off on the bike. I was nervous but confident in my "new" ride. My bike rode like a dream, almost like it never had before. I took the bike slow and steady making sure to be cautious. I did not need to mess up this race. I rode more downhills and attempted more technical sections than I ever had. What is it about a race that makes you more daring than normal? I don't know and I certainly don't care. Whatever it is, it helped me conquer a feat that I had before doubted. I am proud to say that I did not have one single crash on the bike, no blood was drawn, and no tears were shed. How awesome is that? The run was amazing. I followed the plan...walk the inclines and hammer it out on the flats. And boy did I fly along those flat sections. It was such an amazing feeling! Halfway through the run my body started to falter. I got dizzy and tripped. I sliced my knee open on a rock. I guess every race has to end with some blood right? Got my second wind and powered through passing 8 people on the run. I was estatic. Turning the last corner I was running on fumes. I starting talking to myself, egging myself on to make it to that finish line and never once looking over my shoulder. Nope...because I had this race in the bag. I crossed that finish line and dropped. Luckily I fell into someone's arms. As I was being carried to the ice bath the only thing that I could mutter was "I executed the perfect race." The perfect race being to drop at the finish line, using every last ounce of expendable energy to get you home. I layed in the ice bath completely delirious for half an hour. Not comprehending who was speaking to me or what was being said. First in my age group and fifth overall woman. Not bad for a day's work.
The race was amazing. The volunteers and fans were more than I could have asked for, so encouraging and excited. This by far was the best race experience I have ever had. Kudos to the race director and my friend Shawn Wierick for putting on a spectacular race. It was one that will never be forgotten.
XTERRA Dawg Days: June 25, 2011
If it seems to be a recurring theme that I love to race XTERRA's that's because it is. It is a thrill, a rush, and a high that can be compared to nothing else. The technicality and the focus that it takes to try and keep your bike upright while battling a tree stump or a small ravine is something that I find completely exhilarating.
XTERRA #3. So excited and calm before this race. Going into this one I felt like a seasoned veteran, although yes I am still a rookie, not nervous just plain excited. As we got to the course, yep I dragged a friend into this one, and set up transition I began to look around. To see all the familiar faces and the face of my competition. I spotted her quickly. Petite, quiet, and the face of a stern warrior. So pumped and ready I put her out of my mind, vowing to never look over my shoulder, to never have doubts, only to focus on my race and what I was capable of doing.
To say that I was off my game is an understatement. I had a great swim, fastest ever but after that things slowly started to go downhill. My bike portion was terrible. I wrecked two miles into a 12 mile course. Trying not to let that shake me I picked myself up and tried to focus, to get my head back in the game. Much harder than I had anticipated. I stood there as blood was streaming from my elbow and knee, completely covered in dirt. I let people pass me just trying to get it back together. I walked my bike for awhile collecting my thoughts. Although the doubts began to creep in. "What am I doing? Maybe I shouldn't have raced. Why are my legs so dead?" These thoughts flowed through my mind. I thought about how my coach, Shawn, had told me not to race. After all I hadn't been sleeping, I was tired and exhausted. But I being the bull-headed stubborn person that I am decided to come down and gut it out.
I finally got the nerves to get back on my bike. My ride was not fast at all. I practically coasted through the next 10 miles trying to stay upright and just make it back to T2. I made it back an hour and forty minutes later. Performed a perfect flying dismount. Was so stoked over that one, and began the run. My legs were shot, dead, and felt like lead weights. But I just talked to myself. "It's alright you've got this." Over and over again I would repeat. I planned on walking/running for the rest of the run portion but as I began this my legs came to and I felt like I was getting a second wind. With a mile to go I noticed my competition on a switchback below where I was. Boy did that ever give me new legs. No way was I going to be beat by this girl let alone a first time XTERRA racer. No way! I put it into 4th gear and took off. I was flying. It's only a mile right? I don't think that I have ever run that fast in my entire life. As I rounded the corner to the finish line I knew I had left her behind, 4 minutes later she came in behind me.
Gutting it out was not a pleasurable experience by any means, but it felt good to know that I could dig deep. I took home 1st in the age group (again) and 6th overall in the women. Not a great race but an enjoyable weekend with friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)