Goodbye For Now

It's been 75 days since my best friend passed away. I originally wrote this post shortly after his death, but couldn't post it until I felt strong enough to accept the fact. My furball is gone, but his memories live on and I believe that a part of him lives on within me. As I consider a new addition to our family I am overwhelmed with emotions and what ifs. I am scared and excited, but I know that Max would've wanted us to show love to another furball companion. He would've wanted his life celebrated and not his death mourned.

Maximus, I will always love you. For you are the thing that got me through some of my toughest years. May you rest in peace. Until we meet again.

Love always,
J

It's with an extremely heavy heart that I write this post. My cuddle-bug, my shadow, and most of all my best friend passed away. It'll be two weeks on Tuesday that Max left us. Two weeks. It seems like the world is moving while mine is standing still. It seems as if time has taken on a new meaning. My days are short and my nights long. I find myself dreaming about him or finding something of his randomly placed around the house and I am overcome with emotion again. He fought so hard to stay with us. He was fighting even as he took his last breaths in my mother's arms. He would've done anything to stay with us just a little longer, I would've done anything for him to stay longer.

The bond that you create with an animal, especially with that of a dog is one that is everlasting. It is hard to explain the bond that Max and I shared. I loved him more than most humans in all honesty. His company was all I needed to make a bad day instantly better. He was always sitting at the door waiting to greet me when I got home from school, whether that be in the middle of the day...or the middle of night. He loved to have his nose rubbed and to be loved on. If he felt you hadn't given him an adequate enough belly scratch, he would come back nudging your hand for more. He loved the snow, oh how he loved it! I remember his first encounter with it, he slowly crept into the yard unsure of what he had encountered. It took no more than a minute for him to fall in love and run around scooping the snow up into his mouth and rolling around in it. There was a spark in his eyes and a desire for adventure in his soul. One that up until his last few days served him well, as well as landed him in doggie jail.

I feel an emptiness and a hole in my heart. The area that Max took up the second I saw him at the animal shelter. A hole that will not be filled anytime soon, perhaps never at all. I cannot explain in words the immense sadness and overwhelming loneliness that I have felt. People don't allow you to grieve when it is a pet that you've lost, as if an animal doesn't deserve the acknowledgment as a human death does. I believe that I was closer to my dog than I am to many of my human friends. I need to mourn, to miss, and grieve the loss of him because he MATTERED. For the longest time he was the only one I had. He mattered so much to me. I could lay on the floor and cry and he'd just lie next to me. He was always so excited when I got home, whether he got left in the dark or accidently left in the rain or even as I got out of the shower.

His presence and love made everything instantaneously better. I miss everything in my house being covered in his hair, his constant fidgeting during naptime, his "purring" and nose kisses, but most of all I miss his love and his companionship. His constant "shadow" quality, his love for the wind and the snow, but extreme hatred of anything related to water. The feel of his fur and his awful dog breath. What a gentle and beautiful soul he was. What a blessing he was to myself and my family.

My baby boy, my Maximus is finally at peace and pain free - that is something that I can take comfort in. The hole will always be there, but his memories will dull the ache.

My Maximus 08/11/2011 - 09/23/2014

My Maximus



"The bond with a dog is as lasting as the ties

of this earth can ever be."

- Konrad Lorenz

 





Dogs are special creatures. They can change your world if given the opportunity. Thirteen years ago today my best friend entered this world. He has defied me, loved me, explored with me, and been there when all I needed were some furry ears to listen. Today is my puppy's thirteenth birthday and this is what I wish I could say to him...

Dearest Maximus,

Ever since you entered our lives that October morning back in 2001, you have been a blessing. You have been through so much with our family. You brought light into it when there wasn't much. After thirteen years, four moves, who knows how many chew toys and boat rides, you are still as happy as you've ever been. I wish that I could share this day with you and take away some of your pain as you have taken away some of mine. It hurts my heart to know that you don't have much longer left with us, but hopefully these last few months can be filled with lots of walks and even more adventures. You always were one for exploring, from the caves at Devil's Den to chasing deer through the woods as we chased you, it has been a glorious ride.

You've always been one step behind us, making sure that your family is looked out for. Whether that be at the soccer park or the front yard. You've managed to do things without anyone noticing, like sneaking into the house, taking a nap in the back of the neighbor's van, or taking yourself for a walk; you never cease to make us laugh. You are one of the weirder dogs I have ever met. One who does not bark, or fetch, or like water, or other dogs for that matter, which is funny and probably accounts for your stealth like qualities.

Max, you are my cuddle-bug, my partner in crime, my grass eating, snow-loving, shadow of a best friend. I miss hearing the clicking of your nails on the wood floor of my house, your breathing while I study, the constant fidgeting while I nap, and your company. I know that grandpa, grandma, and mom are taking great care of you in these final months, just know how much I love you and that when you are ready to let go, it's okay. Even though you are 91 years old today (human years) you will always be a puppy in my eyes.

Happy birthday you furball and may you somehow sneak your way into the cookie jar for an extra birthday treat.

Forever and always,
Jess

25 Things I Have Learned in My 25 Years

It's hard to believe that I am already 25! Sheesh where did the time go? I feel like it was only yesterday that I was going to high school football games and making a decision on which college to attend...and now I'm a masters student and half-way to 30. What?!

The idea for this blog came to me the other day while wandering around the grocery store and looking around at the people who were aimlessly wandering the aisles.

I love watching people and thinking about their lives and the experiences that I have encountered in my own life. So I decided to come up with a list of the top twenty-five things that I have learned throughout this journey of life.

1. Help people whenever you can: I find immense joy in helping people. It makes me feel good to know that I was able to give back, even if that means the only thing I was able to do for them was to put away a shopping cart. You never know what people are going through, so extending a smile and a helping hand can make all the difference.

2. People will come and go, and that is OK: I have met and lost many friends throughout my life. In the beginning it was hard for me to understand why on earth a friend would leave my life, why all of a sudden the bond that we shared wasn't as sacred anymore, but then I realized it's all in God's planning. Maybe someone only needs you to be in their life during a certain time, maybe it's during a joyous time, or a time where they need a support system. It's OK that people enter and exit your life. Those rare friendships that last a lifetime will always be there, you don't have to talk every day, you just pick up where you left off.

3. There is no finish line or time-limit: This one took me FOREVER to figure out. I always thought that things had to be completed within a certain time-span; whether that was college or my masters degree, having a family, etc. I wanted everything done on a time table. As I've gotten older and hopefully wiser I've realized that things will happen in their own timing. I'll finish my masters when I am done with it, that might be next year, may be two years from now.

4. I am a CLUTZ: there is no way around this, I lose things, trip over my own two feet, and can't hold onto anything to save my life. There's a reason my parents didn't name me Grace.

5. Do what YOU want: this concept also took me a long time to grasp. I have to do what is best for me, whether or not that upsets others.

6. Judging, is well...stupid: there are so many people out there who will judge you. They will judge you for the clothes you wear, the words you say, or the people you are around. Pay zero attention to them. Also the flip-side is true as well, do not judge others. I can't say that I am perfect and I never judge people because that would be a lie. I try my hardest not to. It shouldn't matter what color, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, or the make of their vehicle is; don't judge, period.

7. Respect is earned, not given: this is one of those typical clichéd sayings that I was taught as a child. I agree with it to an extent. Just because someone doesn't show you respect does not by any means give you the right to be rude in return. Slap a smile on that face and give them respect anyway.

8. You can't make everyone happy: I try so hard to do this, SO HARD. Although at the end of the day, it just isn't possible. Sometimes you need to take a step back and ask yourself "am I doing enough to make myself happy?"

9. Trying to forgive is hard: letting go of whatever hurt you in the past and forgiving that person is physically and emotionally painful, but forgiveness is freeing...

10. My family is my everything: like I mentioned earlier, people will come and go from your life. People will hurt you and leave you, but what I have found is that my family is always there. Always there as my cheerleaders or to help pick me up when I have stumbled. Without them I would be nothing. Literally.

11. Cherish your loved ones: there is no more painful feeling than the loss of a family member or friend, I've experienced too many deaths or brushes with death throughout the last year, more than I would ever care to experience in a lifetime. Tell people how you feel about them. Tell them you love them while you still can, because sometimes by the time you get around to it they're gone.

12. Social media is dumb: I say this, and later this blog link will be posted to my FB page. I just think that social media is a breeding ground for drama and too much information. I stay on there to keep in touch with my friends and family who live far away, but wouldn't it be easier to just pick up the phone?

13. Put. The. Phone. DOWN: this is something that drives me bonkers, about myself and others. These days we can't go anywhere without our beloved smart phones. We are so obsessed about "staying connected" that we miss out on what's going on in front of us. When you are with people, put the phone down and truly be with them, that instagram update can wait until later.

14. Learn to laugh: I like to laugh. I think laughter is a great cure for things. I've even learned to laugh about the serious things. My family and I joke about my mom's cancer and my brain injury, we joke about my clumsiness and my grandma's forgetfulness, we even joke and have competitions about who has the better scars. Life is taken so seriously. I do believe that there is a time to be serious and to treat situations such as cancer with the fear that it deserves, but after that has passed you have to learn to laugh about it. If you don't that fear, anger, and sadness will drive you deep into a dark hole and who wants to be in a place like that? Not me.

15. Don't be afraid to ask for help: No I'm not talking about asking for help with your math homework or help moving boxes, I'm talking about needing someone to talk to. I've dealt with a lot of crap in life and it wasn't until I got older that I realized that those issues I never worked out as a child still haunted me as an adult. There is NOTHING wrong about seeking help from someone, or seeing a therapist. For whatever silly reason needing help is looked down upon in our society, I think that is ridiculous. Sometimes you need someone with an outside perspective to help you see/deal with things better. I was in a dark dark place after my accident coupled with my mom's cancer diagnosis, had I not admitted that I needed help, I may not have been around today to even write this blog.

16. Exercise: Go out and move! Find whatever it is that makes you happy and do that. Go run, ride a bike, powerlift, do CrossFit, join a yoga class, do something that gets that body moving! You'd be surprised at what an amazing stress reliever it is. It doesn't matter what you do, just that you have a passion for it. There is not one right exercise regimen that is ideal for everyone, so do yours and don't bash others.

17. Never forget where you came from: Never ever forget where you came from and what it took to get you to where you are today. I've seen gyms or club meetings that preach "forget your story." Why?! Why would you every want to forget your story? Your story coupled with your experiences and the people involved in that story are what molded you into the person who you are today! Remember your story and let it make you proud.

18. Being angry is a waste of time: I've tried it. I've tried to be angry with people or with myself and you know where it got me? Nowhere. It's detrimental to your well-being and seriously, who likes walking around angry all the time? I do have a temper, it just comes with my personality, but I try to let things go, even though I am not the best at it sometimes.

19. Remember to thank the people who helped get you to where you are: I think sometimes we forget the massive number of people who have helped us out in life. We forget about how far our parents had to drive us for soccer games, or the hours spent helping out with homework. We forget those are the things that helped us get to where we are today. I have my grandparents and my mother, along with my professors to thank for as far as I've gotten. Lord knows without their help I wouldn't have made it this far.

20. Let people talk: people may talk about you or criticize you for certain things or choices you've made, it's your life. So tell them to shut up and just walk away.

21. Ask lots of questions: I am curious, curious about everything around me, therefore I ask a lot of questions which I know can be annoying at times. Without questions how would we ever get any answers or learn to do things differently?

22. Stand up for yourself and others: you may not make friends doing this, but you will gain respect, that I can guarantee. Stand up for who you are and what you believe it. Don't be afraid to stand up for someone else too. It may be scary, but totally worth it.

23. Gain a sense for adventure: I love to travel to new places, whether they are national or international. I love learning about and experiencing new cultures. I've traveled to many different countries and learned about and met so many interesting people. Those experiences have helped shape me.

24. Don't change yourself for anyone else: be confident in who you are, the right person will come along and love that quality about you.

25. Love people: I think the title explains itself. Without love in this world where would we be?

"Hey God, It's Me Again."

I think it’s funny how in times of need, heartbreak, tragedy, or sadness we turn to God with our problems, but rarely do we turn to him during our joyful times. I am not one to preach about when you should be talking to God, in fact I should not be preaching about anything. At all. I am what you would call a “casual Christian” and that term can be applied loosely. I feel bad saying that out loud, let alone posting it here on the internet for the entire world, I mean the handful of people who actually read my blog, to see.

I come from a Christian family, I was raised in church, and then somewhere during middle school and junior high I lost touch with God, for all the wrong reasons. By the standards of the church I grew up in I was different, a difference that now doesn’t mean even the slightest, but it did back then. I was different in the fact that I came from a broken home, wait a minute, what? Yes, you read that correctly. I was different because my parents split up, the kicker here…I was alienated out of my church youth group because of it. I was taunted at school and I eventually became the outcast who no one wanted anything to do with. I ate lunch alone most days of my junior high and high school years and I was a loner. Shocking to think about that now. I lost touch with God because some stupid “mean girls” in my junior high youth group did not think my presence was worthy enough of theirs. My interpretation, if you aren’t good enough for your OWN CHURCH GROUP, then who are you good enough for? My answer. No one. I spent a lot of time, tears, and lonely years believing that. Something that I still actually struggle with to this day.

I lost touch with God for a long time, in fact I wouldn’t say that we’re in touch quite yet. It’s like we’ve been playing phone tag for the last 5 or so years…only now have I starting leaving messages. What brought me back to God was nothing other than a typical clichéd scene that could’ve been seen in any movie. A loss brought me back into church, maybe not all the way back to God, but it got me in the door.

It’ll be two years this summer since I got diagnosed with a TBI (traumatic brain injury). Something that stripped away my racing career and with that went my soul. The only place I was sure of was church. So I went. I sat in the back, alone. I listened to the music, only standing when necessary to be polite and speaking with no one. I gazed at the stained glass and cried. I cried for the loss of myself, and I cried because my life was spinning out of control and I had no idea how to fix it, or myself for that matter. Then 6 months later my mother was diagnosed with cancer…I found myself, once again searching for something of certainty. Again I found myself in a pew. I never really prayed, I never asked God “why me?” or “why my family?” I just sat there, almost comatose, just listening and smiling when appropriate.

I wish I could say I have progressed from there, but not really. I mean maybe a little. I now go to church once a week with a friend who was brave enough to invite me. I don’t feel a connection yet, but in due time I suppose. I have talked to God a few times, although with no reply. I’m sure he’s listening…I just probably talk too much for Him to get a word in.

Religion is interesting. It can bring people closer together and it can destroy relationships. I think the word religion is too heavily used. So many people get focused on the rules of religion that they forget about the relationship. A relationship between them and the creator Himself. But like I said earlier, I am not one to preach. My only hope is that one day I can work my way back to a relationship with the big man upstairs. I know he is there and he is listening, I guess I just need reassurance. A sign of sorts from him to let me know that my voicemail was received.

Just some random thoughts from yet another sleepless night. As I close out I’m sending God a text letting him know that I’m thinking about him and thanking him for the blessings in life…until next time friends.

-j

For My "Mama Bear"

I think it takes a selfless person to become a mother. A person who will give her body, her soul, and the rest of her life to raising a little munchkin that has been created. It takes a person who has compassion and strength, it takes a person with resilience and an insurmountable amount of love in their hearts. It takes courage, dedication, and most of all it takes a very special person.

I always took Mother's Day for granted, as I think a lot of us do sometimes. Another dictated holiday in which society tells you it is time to love someone. Don't get me wrong I love my mom to the moon and back, I just don't need a certain day to tell her that. Over the last year and a half Mother's Day has taken on a new meaning to me and let me tell you why...which means we'll have to go all the way back to the beginning.

First off, a little bit about the glorious woman whom I refer to as "Mama Bear." My mom was the person who always wanted to have kiddos. Always. Although for a very long time my parents were unable to get pregnant, fertility treatments and the works yielded no progress. I don't know what my mom said to the big man upstairs, but it worked and within a span of two years she had two tiny monsters running around the house (okay, one. I was clearly the good child). Fast forward a few years, my parents decided to call it quits, (that's okay, their prerogative), a lady who is raising two kids alone, without a job, and somehow making everything work. On a side note, my brother and I were always up to something, whether that was testing out a new skate ramp, or playing street hockey in the neighborhood, all the way down to being chased by a neighbor while playing ding-dong-ditch. The divorce was hard on everyone, something like that changes you. I don't know how that woman did not lose her sanity over our ridiculous amount of shenanigans, broken bones, and calls from the principal's office.

Let's jump forward another couple of years to me leaving for college. I went to school only two hours away from home, not far, but my mother managed to attend every single home soccer game that I had. Whether I started or not. Oh, did I mentioned that she did this AFTER attending my brother's soccer game as well, four hours north of where I was?

My mother was diagnosed with cancer last year. Cancer is something that I hope you, as my reader and people everywhere, never have the pleasure of meeting. Cancer is vile and emotionally destroying, not to mention physically destroying. While she had her moments of break-down and question, she fought through it. Even to this day she is feeling and experiencing the pain that cancer brought to her life. Medications that make her sick, but she manages to keep pushing through.

This woman has suffered so much throughout her life, she's dealt with a divorce, kids, who I know gave her gray hair (don't tell her I said that), and she's battled cancer. She is someone who does everything for others and never asks for anything in return, in fact it is actually banned at our house to give Mother's Day gifts. She works extremely hard to make sure that my brother and I are taken care of, on top of pushing us to chase our dreams. She has helped me chase my dreams, even if it meant leaving for awhile, or moving away, she is always there telling me to go for it.

My mom has supported us through college and graduate schools, she has allowed my brother and I to make decisions that probably weren't the best at the time, but she realized we needed to find out for ourselves, and learn from it. She is one of the most supportive human beings that I have ever met. In fact, she is spending her Mother's Day helping me study for finals. Words cannot express the amount of gratitude that I have for this woman. It is truly my honor to have been raised by her and to know that she is always around whenever I need her. She has held my hand through many challenging and painful experiences, she has been the person I run to when my heart has been broken, and she is the woman who I am happy to call my best friend. She has given her life to my brother and I, so that we can be successful.

This Mother's Day takes on new meaning because I have her here with me, a luxury that I didn't think I would get to experience again. So once you've wiped the tears off your face (which I am doing at the moment) go out and call your mom or give her a big fat kiss. I think a lot of times that we take our mothers for granted, their selflessness and fortitude. Today is that day to really NOT take them for granted.

To all those mothers out there, Happy Mother's Day. Know that you are loved and appreciated, even though as kids we forget to show it sometimes. To my mom, I thank you for the opportunities you have given me, the lessons you have taught me, and the love you have shown me because without you in my corner cheering me on, there's no way I'd be the woman that I am today. So, I thank you for that.

May all you mothers enjoy your special day, you deserve it!

-j

It's About The Little Things

I guess technically I need to change the heading of my blog...I'm no longer twenty-four, but the good 'ol quarter of a century. It's been a weird last few weeks. They've been stressful and kind of gloomy almost. I don't know what it was about my approaching birthday that made me so, sad.

Twenty-five is a weird age, I'm sure anyone reading this over twenty-five will laugh at me. It's okay, I can laugh with you too. For me, this birthday wasn't just another celebration to be had, but it was an eye-opening, life-contemplating, change in age. Am I where I thought I would be by this age? I have mentioned in earlier posts that I struggle a lot of a feeling of self-worth. Feeling like I am good enough to lead this life that God has so graciously given to me. I look around at the blessings that I have, the opportunities that I have, and the people in my life and for whatever reason I am still left with a feeling of emptiness inside. I feel like I haven't given back enough, helped others enough, or made a big enough splash into the pool of accomplishments to deem my life as meaningful. It is a terrible thought process to have, especially with all the experiences that I have had in my short twenty-five years. I've been to five different countries, been a nationally ranked amateur athlete, gained multiple fitness certifications, completed a college degree, had eight surgeries, raced in some of the most beautiful parts of the country, picked up and moved to Utah to chase a dream, and now I am in grad school. For whatever reason, it doesn't feel like enough.

My birthday came and went without too much of a fuss. I ended up getting strep throat and quarantined to my house for the week. The funny thing is, is that this BIG scary birthday that was around the corner was here and gone before I knew it...and guess what, I don't feel a darn bit different.

One night when I was upset about the foreseeable future, my brother sat me down and said to me "old age is something to be cherished because it is denied to many" (I'm pretty sure someone originally said that, but I will give him props). He was right, my growing older is a testament to my strength and resilience throughout life. It's about the journey and the experiences that I get to endure along the ride, it shouldn't be something that is feared. So what if I'm behind on the marriage & a baby thing, or that I'm going to grad school later than the people I graduated with, or even the fact that I enjoy a night of too much ice cream over a night on the town.

It's the little things in life that matter the most, not the big ones. I was paid, probably the best compliment of my life a few weeks ago, by a fellow Crossfitter. She said to me "Jess, God gave you the most awesome heart. The way that you care for others is amazing." I think about that comment a lot, it helped me to realize some things. It helped me realize that helping and being gracious to others is far more rewarding that anything of value could bring. The impression that those words left with me is one that will not soon be forgotten, whether she knows it or not, she helped pull me out of my 'black hole' I'd been in.

So onto the not so philosophical ramblings of the day. Like I mentioned earlier, birthday week was spent on the couch fighting with a fever and other things you don't want to know about...but my birthDAY was fabulous at my Crossfit box. One of my good friends Jess #2, technically my other half, surprised me with balloons, princess hats, and a sash to wear. You better believe that I WODed in that apparel. Very proudly too.

Jess #1 & Jess #2

All the ladies who joined in on the celebration.

Thanks Jess #2! Best surprise ever!

Our gym, Crossfit 417, has got some of the best people and coaches that I could ask for (Also a BIG thanks to my coaches, THE Nick J. & Jared S. for always helping me to become a better athlete). All of the people have become some of my closest friends and when we aren't hanging out at the gym, we're chilling with the munchkins in daycare...making sure to give shout-outs to our sponsors.

The newest face of Forged Clothing. Making sure to start them off YOUNG.

Today for me was a big day. I got my FIRST full rope climb. Now I have been going to CF417 for more than a year now and I've barely even attempted one. The thought of climbing to the ceiling is something that I'd usually leave up to others, but today I succumbed to the peer pressure. As I was climbing all I could hear were screams of "you get on that rope!" and "come on Jess, almost there. Keep pushing!" I am definitely one of those athletes who works off of the crowd's enthusiasm, so when I was handed those tube socks (thank you Miss Kailey) and told to climb, well see ya later because climbing is what I did (definitely surprised myself with this newest feat).

That's a long way up...

...and even further down.

I'll leave you with that friends, thanks to everyone who helped to make my special day, even more special, and to those who helped brighten my smile without even noticing. Until next time, stay cool and remember, it's all about the little things.

- j

Valentine's Day. It's About LOVE, Period.

Valentine's Day can be viewed in many different ways. It can be a day for the couples hopelessly and romantically in love, it can be a day to mourn the fact that you are single, or it can be a day to show love to anyone and everyone around you.

My grandpa loves to ask me every year if I have found a myself a valentine, and every year my reply is no. Always following that is the classic "well, why not??" He loves to probe into my life with questions about boys. I can't tell whether he's laying down a hint or he's just being goofy. I'll choose the latter.

As I got to college I was always so down when Valentine's Day rolled around and I was without a boyfriend, for yet another year. SAD is what my friends liked to refer to it as. Singles Awareness Day. Now looking back at it, how stupid we were to have that perception. As I've gotten older and wiser (I hope) I realize that Valentine's Day isn't merely for the couples with little animated hearts spinning around their heads, it's about love, PERIOD. It's about showing love to your parents and your siblings, love to the cashier who rings you up in the check-out line, or the elderly man/woman who needs help loading groceries into their car.

Having an outlook like that shouldn't be for just one day out of the year, but for all of them. Since I took that outlook my life has been much fuller.

I challenge you to go a little out of your way today, on this day of love and show some LOVE to a stranger or a friend. Even if it is something as small as a smile to a stranger on campus. If our world had a little more love in it, don't you think it'd be a better one? I certainly do.

Until next time friends, go spread the love.

The Navy SEALs - Just the Inspiration I Needed.

I was given the opportunity over my Christmas break to do a lot of “fun” reading…in other words reading that wasn’t assigned or deemed necessary for my schoolwork. I read multiple books that were enlightening, others sad, and some inspirational. I love to read, always have, so when an opportunity like this presents itself I’m all over it. There were three books that I read this break that opened my eyes the most, were heavy on my heart, and that left me with an incredible thirst to continue my journey towards my chosen career path.

For those of you who don’t know I am currently working on my masters. A masters in Cell & Molecular Biology. I know what you are thinking….and believe me, I have thought the very same things before. I began this masters with the aspirations of becoming an accomplished Exercise Physiologist, while those dreams are still there, they have been tweaked a bit, for lack of better phrasing. With my work as a personal trainer and conditioning with the MSU Men’s Soccer Team I knew pretty quickly that training and performance was my passion. Helping a player get better at his/her sport or get back to their sport is so fulfilling for me. So I have decided to go to Physical Therapy school after my masters and work towards my DPT. I’ll finally be Dr. Martin. Ha.

Over the break I read two books that will forever leave a mark on my soul; Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell and American Sniper by Chris Kyle. Two amazing books about the life inside being a US Navy SEAL. I understand war and the need for it, even though I hate hearing on the news that we have lost another one of our own. These books take you into the field with these soldiers and it is almost as if you are experiencing the action firsthand, that is how phenomenal the writing is. I cried through almost the entirety of both books, and I am not normally a crier…ever. There was something about their stories and their unselfish desire to protect and uphold the values of our country, a country that is not always behind them, but at the end of the day will welcome them home with open arms. These men are the true definition of what an American hero is, although I know from reading that they prefer to be known as the silent heroes, but I just had to give my little shout-out.

I come from a Navy family. My Grandpa served in WWII at Pearl Harbor, father at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and my uncle at the Naval Academy and all of his various expeditions. I do not however know what it is like to have a family member deployed…I will know that pretty soon as my cousin who is an Army Ranger will be leaving for Afghanistan in the upcoming months. I cannot imagine the immense pain that both parties must go through, so that I may freely sit here and express my right to freedom of speech while lying in bed and typing this blog, or working on my homework that is due for tomorrow.

Lone Survivor is a gut wrenching story about Operation Red Wing with four Navy Seals and a targeted Taliban leader. I’m sure most people have seen the movie, which I think does a FANTASTIC job at telling the story of that fateful day, but the book is something else entirely. The description that Marcus Luttrell goes into about his brothers and the hospitality of the Pashtun community is truly eye-opening. If you haven’t read it I HIGHLY recommend it. You can visit the website here. The movie is unlike any war movie I have ever seen before. Maybe it was because I read the book first, but it was amazing. The movie gave even more life to the book and put you into the middle of the battlefield where you saw and experienced the pain that these SEALs endured. You were able to see the acts of selflessness of these men in fighting to protect the red, white, and blue. My favorite line from the movie was by Matthew Axelson’s character, “you can die for your country, but I’m going to live for mine.” He fought to the death in honor of America. Mike Murphy and his last attempt to call for help, climbing to the top of a cliff to gain more reception to make that last phone call, the one that put him directly into harm’s way so that he could save his brothers, it makes me tear up as I write this. Danny Dietz, what a man of true grit. He had lost his hand, been shot in the leg, the back, and the head….was being dragged and still shooting at the Taliban. He would’ve kept fighting has a bullet to the throat not taken his life. The last guy of the squad, Marcus Luttrell. The lone survivor of the group, who lives on to share his story of that day. How they had to fall down a mountain three times trying to make it to better ground. THREE TIMES. He goes on to share his experience about being captured and then having members of the Pashtun community take him in as one of their own, fighting to the death to keep him alive because of a standard that their community upholds. I don’t know how ANYONE could read this book and NOT come away unchanged. This book is on my heart as I think about my activities in my daily life. I think about this book when I am training. NEVER again will I complain that a training session is too tiring or that my body is giving out because well, that's just crap, it is my mind that is quitting. If those SEALs can survive for that long after taking gunshot after gunshot to the body and having no food or water, you better believe I can make it through a workout for heaven’s sake.

"Been around the world twice. Talked to everyone once. I've seen two whales f*ck, been to three world fairs. I even know a man in Thailand with a wooden cock. I've pushed more peter, more sweeter, and more completer than any other peter-pusher around. I'm a hard-bodied, hairy-chested, rootin', tootin', shootin', parachutin', demolition double tap crimpin' frogman. There ain't nothing I can't do. No sky too high, no sea too rough, no muff too tough. Learned a lot of lessons in my life. Never shoot a large caliber man with a small caliber bullet. Drove a lot of trucks. 2by's, 4by's, 6by's and those big motherf*ckers that bend and go 'shhh shhh' when you step on the brakes. Anything in life worth doing is worth overdoing. Moderation is for cowards. I'm a lover, I'm a fighter, I'm a UDT SEAL Diver. I'll wine, dine, intertwine, and then sneak out the back door when the refueling is done. If you're feeling froggy then you better jump because this Frogman has been there, done that, and is going back for more."

- Shane Patton (in Lone Survivor) 

I guess I had never given it much thought as to what our Special Operations guys do over there. All I really know is what I see on the news or hear over the radio, which doesn’t give our soldiers the credit that they so deserve. I have often been moved when I see a veteran walking somewhere in their uniform. I want to go up and hug them, about let alone kiss them out of gratitude and everything that they have done for this beautiful country of mine. I usually can’t get the guts to go up and say it though, for fear of…well I don’t really know.

My brother is super interested in the SEALs and what they have to offer and what it means to be a SEAL, so I have all kinds of books at my disposal. After reading Lone Survivor, I moved onto Chris Kyle’s book American Sniper. This book is about America’s most decorated sniper and the different missions and problems he faced throughout his four tours in Afghanistan. This website gives you a tiny glimpse into the person he was. He made it through those four tours, for the most part unscathed, to unfortunately be killed on his home soil. God must have needed a good soldier by his side. 

The stories that Chris Kyle tells seem to be something only one would see in a movie, let alone have to live through. His book took you right into the field of battle, as did Lone Survivor, except his was a culmination of stories instead of one event. It was in his book that I found my calling. He describes when he he finally had to undergo dual knee surgeries after being caught under a wall that exploded from an RPG. He describes his rehab experience with a Physical Therapist who was a Certified Strength & Conditioning Coach, explaining the pain and frustration that he went through with this PT who was there with him every step of the way. Along with helping Chris Kyle to be the fittest he has ever been, allowing him to step back into battle without missing a beat.

As soon as I read that portion of the book, I knew that that is what I wanted to do with my life. Help injured soldiers return to their passion, the battlefield. I love athletics and training players, but there is something that spoke to me after reading these two books. The desire to give back to those who have so valiantly put their life on the line for this country time and time again. That is something that takes a truly special human being, and if rehabbing someone that has done that is my contribution to the beautiful USA, then I would be honored.

So Physical Therapy school is next on the list of my educational endeavours. I have no idea where yet, but I am so excited to get there. 

To the men and women of the armed forced who serve our country, I thank you. If it weren't for you, there wouldn't be a place to call the Beautiful U.S. of A. 

2013: One for the Books

Another year and another blog post. Too cliché? Never.

I know that I am WAY behind on blogging, especially with my New Year's post. I'm using grad school as an excuse. I checked and yes I am allowed to do that.

2013 turned out to be an amazing year. We, as a family, had some struggles, but boy did we make it through so much stronger. There were so many milestones and amazing moments that this blog post will more than likely not do it justice.

To start off 2013 my mom got diagnosed with cancer. I had some blog posts about this earlier in the year, but never posted them because...well I don't have a reason. Trying to wrap myself around the fact that my hero had been hit with such a hard blow was undeniably hard. Thankfully she has gotten through the worst of it and right now fingers are crossed. We are not in the clear yet, but every day is a closer step to that.

I had my first alumni weekend. If that doesn't make me feel old I don't know what will. Got to spend some time with friends I haven't seen in forever. It was a great weekend reconnecting with old friends, playing soccer with my old teammates, and giving one last goodbye to some of my favorite people on the planet.

My brother moved in with me. Ponder that one for a minute. Haha it has been a major adjustment trying to get used to a roommate after being alone for so long. We are still a work in progress, as you can imagine.

I got to go to Honduras and spend some quality time with one of my best friends from college. Went to a beautiful beach wedding, brushed up on my Spanish, and got to have an unforgettable island adventure.

I started grad school in August. Something that I have been working towards for a very long time...and in all honesty didn't think would happen. It has been a stressful, complicated, angering, but joyous and rewarding ride. I don't think I would change it for anything.

I joined an indoor soccer league, thanks to a nudge...ok push from one of my best friends from undergrad. We went 10-2 for the season. Not too shabby!

Our family experienced two major losses in the matter of a week. We lost a very close family friend and we lost my grandfather. Death is weird and I have problems understanding it. I imagine most people do. But I can say, with a full and happy heart, that both of these men are in a better place and no longer in any pain. Although they are greatly missed here we will be reunited with them soon.

I reconnected with my Dad. I don't talk about him much, if ever due to the fact we have had a strained/non-existent relationship for the last ten years. Growing up without a dad in my life has been hard, but something you learn to accept. I decided that after ten years of pent up anger that it was time to let it go and accept the fact that we're both human and mistakes have been made. You can't mend a shattered relationship quickly, but in time I think we can have a healthy father daughter relationship. In lots of time.

I've started making my way back to the Big Man upstairs. My journey is slow, but I am getting there. Bible studies and people who don't judge my quirkiness have certainly helped that.

I came to the realization about what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be a Physical Therapist with a Strength and Conditioning Certification who works with injured soldiers. Helping to rehabilitate them and get them back to what they love doing. I feel like it is my way of giving back. How excited I am about my future, but there is so much work to be done. Work that I am excited to tackle. Once I complete my Masters in Cell and Molecular Biology I plan on going to the Doctorate of Physical Therapy program here at Missouri State.

Finally, I celebrated my one year anniversary with Crossfit 417. I know I talk about Crossfit all. the. time. but this gym has truly been a blessing to me. The people I've met and the friendships that I have made are irreplaceable. I found myself in this gym when I thought that I had lost everything. They helped me to rediscover myself off of the mountain biking trails. After that loss I had a huge hole to climb out of and I did that with the people who have become my family at 417.

2013 was a great year, but I am excited to see what 2014 has in store. It can only get better from here.