A Step in a General Direction

Another sleepless night has got me thinking. With thinking comes thoughts. With all those thoughts comes yet another blog. Ha.

 I had this all planned out in my head what I wanted to say. It flowed perfectly from line to line, and now that I have sat down to ultimately write this the thoughts have quickly evaporated.

I’ve started to notice something about myself. I should never under any circumstance speak when I am angry or frustrated or before I have truly thought about the words that are getting ready to flow out of my mouth. I am an emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, even though I try very hard to hide it, there’s no point because it is there. I get my feelings hurt easily, I live in the past, I complain a little too much, I over think things, and I have been WAY negative lately. Frankly I am getting sick of listening to myself.

There are some things that need some fixing in my life. No I’m not talking about my constant rambling or the fact that I do have emotions, I’m talking about how I express and interpret those emotions. How I go about my daily life and my interactions with others. How I hold myself and ultimately the person I am hoping to become.

I’ll save the philosophical nonsense for someone who knows what they are talking about. There is no point in speculation anymore. I know what my problem is and I know how to fix it. End of story.

In case you haven’t noticed but with my prior blog posts I have been a little mad, frustrated, sad, overwhelmed with life lately. Changes in schools, hometowns, friends have brought on these emotions and I have gladly or willingly let them in. Instead of attempting to embrace and make the best of my new situation I have…not.

I am a creature of habit. So by default major life changes bring out a weird side of me. I become reclusive and kind of down. Okay, there really is no kind of about it. Yes, I know it is time to get over that I suppose. I’m working on it. Working on letting people into my life, letting them see who I am. I feel like anytime I meet new people I somehow end up living in the past more than I ever wanted or intended. I’m so scared of forming new relationships with people, scared that these relationships will get broken and then all of the time that was invested was somehow wasted…Oh wait. There I go again with living in the past and emotional baggage. I need to stop that.

Another thing that I have been lately is negative. I’m not talking here and there, I mean totally down on myself, good-for-nothing talk, like my life is meaningless. I need to snap out of this and if that means that I have to ramble to a computer screen every day to do that, then so be it. I need to work on the being positive thing. I made a comment to a friend “I wish you knew me when I was happy, man I was great.” Ha, that’s ridiculous. Why am I not great now?   The only thing that is standing between me and happiness right now is myself. I need to learn to embrace life a little more and “roll with the punches.”

The things that I am dealing with in life right now are only minor blimps on the map or bumps on the road. I don’t know, some saying like that. I think you get the point. I was letting them define me, letting them take away my happiness, letting them rob me of an experience. No amount of crying or complaining will change the situation that I am in, so I need to work with it and not against it. This class debacle is a set-back. At the moment it seems like a major, education-in-jeopardy kind of a set-back, but nonetheless I’ll figure out a way to come out on top. I always do, somehow.  I’ll learn how to learn differently and then I’ll come at this class with a different plan of attack.

Thanks to the few friends who gave me the swift kick in the ass/pep-talk that I needed. You know who you are.

A Feeling of Failure

I feel as if my world is closing in around me and it is all that I can do to barely stay to the point that I don’t get crushed beneath it. I feel completely unlike the person who I used to be. Happy, outgoing, and SMART. The last one being the thing that I was most proud of. I was never good at sports, decent, never great. That gene, my brother inherited, not me. But school was my thing. I loved everything about it. The ability to learn more. Studying for exams and getting good grades was something that I lived for. Towards the end of my undergraduate degree I began to lose that love for everything but science. Science was the only thing that I wanted to spend my time on. Being in the lab was my sanctuary. I skipped hanging out with friends, I missed meals, I delayed weekend trips home so that I could work on project s in the lab. I wanted more of that, so grad school was my answer, or so I thought. I’ll skip the sappy details of a hiatus to Utah, the postponement of grad school, and all the steps that ultimately got me to where I sit, sobbing, at this very moment, right here at Missouri State University.

Why I decided to come back to undergrad is but a faint and distant memory and it is one that I am beginning to regret every day. I live in what seems to be a great town, with some great people, and a great atmosphere. I have no idea why I am here or what I am doing anymore. To be honest, I feel as if I am merely wasting my time and my family’s money being up here. I suppose you are wondering where this is coming from. These weirdo emotions that I am pouring out to this computer screen. I am struggling in a class that I love. A class that I find to be so fascinating, that I had hoped to one day earn a PhD in. Physiology. I absolutely from the bottom of my soul love this class, but for the life of me cannot do well on an exam. I study and question everything in an attempt to understand it even further, but I am doing something wrong. I know it is not the end of the world, or so I have been told, but boy it sure does feel like it is. What do you do when the only thing that you were certain of in yourself is slowly slipping from your grasp?

It makes me so nervous for graduate school. When applying to graduate school all they see is a piece of paper with a name and a birth date, some test scores, and my college grades. Where is the column that says I did this many extracurricular activities? Or I studied this many hours in an attempt for this class? I have an awesome personality and love people? To them, I am merely a piece of paper with subsequent numbers after my name. I can kiss my chance at an acceptance letter goodbye.

I do wish that I could say that moving up to Springfield was mostly positive, but unfortunately that would be a lie. Don’t get me wrong, I have met some FANTASTIC people during my time here. But the bad has outweighed the good. I am never in my life felt as alone as I do here. There is no one to talk to or to spend time with. It's myself and the library, which is where most of my time is spent. Thank goodness I have my training to keep me occupied a lot of the time. I come home to an empty house, muddle around before boredom eventually sets in and then I go to bed. What a fantastic life that I am leading. One that will one day ultimately go unnoticed and wasted. I begin to question why I am even here, not just in Springfield, but on this earth. I at one point in my life believed that I had been put here to make a difference in the lives of others, but right now I am not so sure. I suppose if I can make their day brighter with a fake smile that I put on to cover up my pain, then my mission has been accomplished.

This post sounds very negative, probably because as I am writing it I am very angry and upset. I am disappointed in myself and mentally and emotionally beat-down. I hold myself to higher standards than the ones that I have been producing and that further upsets me. I can take this as a learning experience and grow from it…later. But for now, I will cry and mourn over my performance and sleep away my sorrows. Tomorrow is a new day and it can only go up from here, I think.

XTERRA Eureka Springs

I remember blogging about this race last year. I remember the weeks leading up to it. The training, the preparation, and my freak-out/melt-down just days before. I was so worried that I couldn't do it. That I couldn't perform quite like I had in training...maybe that I would let my friends and family down, or worse let myself down. This year was no different. The week leading up to it was exactly the same. It was almost as if it were scripted from last year's edition. Late-night sobbing and the self-doubt that I had allowed to creep into my mind. Where had this come from? My training was on schedule, perhaps started a little later than ideal, but nonetheless on track. I was feeling good and even sleeping GREAT. That monster of "self-doubt" that I had allowed to get into my mind was beginning to destroy me, if I would let him.

Thank goodness for an awesome coach and amazing friends who were able to put me in my place. "Smile and have fun" and "pretend you're doing a brick with 130 of your closest friends" were the thoughts that kept running through my head. I went from a ball of jitters and anxiety to calm and relaxed.

I slept exceptionally well, given the circumstances and race morning was a blast. Not too many nerves. Seeing old friends and having my little niece and nephews to help me set up my bike definitely calmed me. I decided to take the swim slower than normal, not to push it. I hadn't been in the pool in over two weeks (MSU had it shut down for summer break). Caught up to the men's group and still somehow managed to come out of the water in 3rd place with a time of 16:49. (Like I said...I took it slow). I was in and out of T1 rather quickly.

They say NEVER to try new things on race day. So I tried two new things, racing with socks and without a Camelbak. I never was one to follow the norm. I decided to try racing in socks because I have been having problems with blisters, so thought that maybe this would be my solution. As for the Camelbak, I had forgotten it so I really had no choice. Ha.

(Lizz waving me into T2. All the way from Utah. AWESOME)

I got out on the bike and I felt AMAZING. So much better than I expected to feel. I walked the first major climb (as usual, to save my legs) and then hopped back on my bike. I tried to stay up with the men and the few women who had passed me on the climb. I keep my cadence high and my gearing low. I kept yelling out "on your left" and "out of the way" definitely not terms that I am used to saying, more like used to hearing. I pushed the bike pace feeling so good. Never in a bike race have I ridden with other racers for that long of time and what an exhilarating feeling it was. I got off the bike with pain as normal in the hips and back but a huge smile on my face. I don't know if I have ever come off the bike feeling that good. T2 was in and out.

Aly met me with Tre and Annie and they ran with me to the entrance of the run course. Seeing the excitment in their eyes getting to run with me was awesome. The plan was to walk the major climbs and sprint everything else. Like everything else in life, plans change and this race was no different. I was sprinting down a descent and stepped funny and tweeked my hip. From then on those 5 miles were rather painful. Whenever I would run, I would have shooting pain down the backside of my leg into my foot and my leg would buckle. Weirdest feeling to have only one leg give out. I was finally able to change my mechanics enough to the point where if I didn't land very hard of my right side it didn't hurt as bad. Whatver I had to do to get me through that finish line.

(Aly, Tre, Annie, and Will waiting for me at the finish-line)

I caught up to and passed three people. I felt so beat up towards the end but was once again met by my best friend and coach who ran me in to the shoot where I was greeted by my nephew who ran across the finish-line with me. It was an amazing experience to be able to share with so many friends and family. I came across the finish-line 5 minutes faster than the year before with a time of 3:41:34.

(Pretty sure this is when Aly told me I had Pr'd the course)

I shaved 14 minutes off my bike alone cutting is down from 2:17 the previous year to 2:03. Hello! I

can't wait to see what I can do when I am SUPER fit.