I am a lover of rainy days, sweaters, and the warmth of a good cup of tea. I love looking out my window and watching the rain pour day and listening to the tap of it upon my rooftop.
Rainy days for me are my favorite days. Not that I don't enjoy the sun! There is a serenity and calmness that comes with a rain storm. An overwhelming peace that is bestowed upon the day. I love the rain because it brings back childhood memories of rain boots there were too big and puddles that were never quite big enough.
I went to my very first football game on a rainy day. An Arkansas Razorback (Woo Pig Sooie) game to be exact. They won against Auburn, a daddy-daughter day that I absolutely adored.
The rain brings back many good racing/riding memories. It is a hell of a lot of fun to ride your mountain bike through the rain, just watch out for those tree stumps because they get slick...real fast.
So many soccer games were played in the rain. Those were the best! Mainly due to the fact that by the end you were mostly covered in mud...and it gave you an even better reason to slide-tackle someone. Many games were played in the rain, some lost and some won, but every moment of them was enjoyable.
I am a lover of rainy days, clouds, and thunderstorms. Those are my serenity.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
There is No Peace Without Forgiveness
They say you change a lot through your 20's. It should be a time to be selfish, figure out who you are, what you stand for, and who it is that you want to be.
My twenties so far have been a ride! Not that I am really that far into them, but boy have I changed, and for the better. I continue to grow and learn more about myself every day. Life is definitely a journey, one that is very much worth the ride...even with the potholes and bumps that we may sometimes seem to hit.
I've learned a lot about myself especially in the last two years. There is nothing spectacular about them, just major life changes that forced me to look deep inside my soul and ask myself who it is that I wanted to become. The person that I want to embody on a day-to-day basis, and the morals and beliefs that I want to stand behind.
Something that I have struggled with for years is forgiveness. There are certain people who have done things that I can immediately forgive and forget, and then with others with which I can't let go of the hurt. I don't like this and it is something that I try to improve upon every day.
Not many people know about the neglected/broken/[insert whatever phrase you'd like here] relationship with my father. In fact, many times in the past I have denied even having one. I know some of you will read this and immediately judge me for terminating that bond. There's a backstory, believe me. That decision that I made almost 5 years ago is a decision that I have had to live with. I am not a person who harbors hate, in fact I try to show love to everyone...even though I'm not the best at it sometimes.
This hate that I have held inside me for almost 15 years has helped develop me as a person, it has changed my outlook on things, and even the view of myself. How can a person who cares so much for others have so much hate for one man? This is a question that I have often asked myself, I have even sought the advice of others, and it all comes down to one thing...you must have the strength within you to forgive.
Forgiveness is a weird thing to me. In my mind it meant that I was condoning the act that hurt me. This is not the case, and it took A LOT of soul searching to be able to come to that conclusion. Just because I forgive someone does not in any way mean that I am saying what they did was okay, but that I have decided to understand the fact that they are human and they messed up, just as I have done plenty of times. Where would this world be if there were absolutely no forgiveness? We'd be in a hell of a lot of trouble, that's where we'd be.
As I have gotten older I have begun to understand that fact. We are all simple, not perfect people just trying to make it through each day the best way that we know how. Sometimes things don't work out the way we wanted or intended and someone gets hurt in the process. It's hard as a child, especially a little girl, to not put her daddy up on a pedestal. To believe that he is the greatest person to walk this earth and that he is in fact a hero. Something like that is hard to live up to as a person and I'm sure as a parent. I was shattered the day my father left. It left me with a feeling of emptiness and the feeling of being completely and utterly "not wanted." This is a feeling that I have buried inside of me for a long time. A feeling that I still fight with today. A feeling of regret for allowing myself to feel like that, and even more so, a feeling of anger towards myself that I have allowed myself to hold onto that much hatred.
I am one who is easily inspired...I happened to come across this quote a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me ever since.
My twenties so far have been a ride! Not that I am really that far into them, but boy have I changed, and for the better. I continue to grow and learn more about myself every day. Life is definitely a journey, one that is very much worth the ride...even with the potholes and bumps that we may sometimes seem to hit.
I've learned a lot about myself especially in the last two years. There is nothing spectacular about them, just major life changes that forced me to look deep inside my soul and ask myself who it is that I wanted to become. The person that I want to embody on a day-to-day basis, and the morals and beliefs that I want to stand behind.
Something that I have struggled with for years is forgiveness. There are certain people who have done things that I can immediately forgive and forget, and then with others with which I can't let go of the hurt. I don't like this and it is something that I try to improve upon every day.
Not many people know about the neglected/broken/[insert whatever phrase you'd like here] relationship with my father. In fact, many times in the past I have denied even having one. I know some of you will read this and immediately judge me for terminating that bond. There's a backstory, believe me. That decision that I made almost 5 years ago is a decision that I have had to live with. I am not a person who harbors hate, in fact I try to show love to everyone...even though I'm not the best at it sometimes.
This hate that I have held inside me for almost 15 years has helped develop me as a person, it has changed my outlook on things, and even the view of myself. How can a person who cares so much for others have so much hate for one man? This is a question that I have often asked myself, I have even sought the advice of others, and it all comes down to one thing...you must have the strength within you to forgive.
Forgiveness is a weird thing to me. In my mind it meant that I was condoning the act that hurt me. This is not the case, and it took A LOT of soul searching to be able to come to that conclusion. Just because I forgive someone does not in any way mean that I am saying what they did was okay, but that I have decided to understand the fact that they are human and they messed up, just as I have done plenty of times. Where would this world be if there were absolutely no forgiveness? We'd be in a hell of a lot of trouble, that's where we'd be.
As I have gotten older I have begun to understand that fact. We are all simple, not perfect people just trying to make it through each day the best way that we know how. Sometimes things don't work out the way we wanted or intended and someone gets hurt in the process. It's hard as a child, especially a little girl, to not put her daddy up on a pedestal. To believe that he is the greatest person to walk this earth and that he is in fact a hero. Something like that is hard to live up to as a person and I'm sure as a parent. I was shattered the day my father left. It left me with a feeling of emptiness and the feeling of being completely and utterly "not wanted." This is a feeling that I have buried inside of me for a long time. A feeling that I still fight with today. A feeling of regret for allowing myself to feel like that, and even more so, a feeling of anger towards myself that I have allowed myself to hold onto that much hatred.
I am one who is easily inspired...I happened to come across this quote a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me ever since.
"Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful that the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness."
- Marianne Williamson
With that quote swirling around in my head, I wrote a letter. A letter to my father. A letter that explained to him that I finally understood that he was human, just like me, and that he made a lot of mistakes and so had I. Mistakes that he would have to live with, and for the sake of my own mental health that I needed him to know that I forgave him.
I have written many letters to him over the years. They sit folded up at the bottom of a box in my closet. I have never had the courage, nor the strength to send them. Because like I said earlier, in my mind to forgive was to condone.
This was the first letter that was written, sealed, and then mailed. Upon dropping the letter in the mailbox it was as if ten tons had been lifted off my shoulders, weight that had been slowly suffocating me for years, I just hadn't noticed. I can only hope that this helps my heart hurt a little less and allows me to be a better person to the people I encounter along this journey we call "life."
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