Embrace the Suck

It's been three weeks since my race at nationals. It feels like a lifetime ago since I left Utah and embarked on my journey home. I've had a lot of time to think, and analyze, and think some more about my race. What I did right and what I did wrong. Things I can change, things I can forget, and those things that made me a better racer.

I haven't talked much about my race as a whole, just the event that changed it. A stupid wreck, from whatever it may be, it was stupid. Cramping, probably brought on from dehydration or lack of nutrition on the bike, 19 miles later and my lower half was shot. Rookie mistake right there, being at nationals there shouldn't be rookie mistakes, period.

To be honest, my race as a whole was mediocre, not one of my best showings, but certainly not my worst. Swim was slower than expected, even though I felt pretty good. Was starting to pick up the bike, when I wreck once, and then three miles later do a literal flying dismount face-first into T2. I'm sure that was a sight to watch. The run, not much to say there, except how extremely embarrassed I was to be wearing that nationals number around my waist. I was a nationals competitor who was WALKING. I got passed by everyone and their mother. I had a friend, who had a 35 minute head start, catch me on the run. I do understand that I had a gaping hole in my leg and was bleeding everywhere, but in my book that is no excuse. My leg was still functional for the most part, I could have and should have done better. I got second out of two people in my age-group, which is nothing to be praised for.

I am proud of the fact that I did not quit, not once did it cross my mind. It would have been quite easy to give up in T2 or at each aid station when the volunteers told me I needed to see the medic. Why work so hard if you are willing to surrender so easily. I didn't bust my butt for a year and do 4 am workouts for nothing. I had two phrases that got me through that race, 'embrace the suck' and 'I love this shit.' Because honestly if I didn't, what's the point of being out there?

I don't know why this is eating at me tonight. I'm starting to get restless because I have been banished to the couch for the past 3 weeks. I feel like I am losing everything that I have worked so hard to gain. Yes, I know my leg was immobile but still, I'm a weirdo who what's to get better everyday. And by doing nothing, I'm losing everything.

I am not trying to complain or whine, I am soley expressing the disappointment in myself, and the want to only do better next time. I have high standards and expectations, which I expect to meet. Next year will be a different story with different characters and circumstances. Another year of experience can only help. I look forward to earning my ticket to nationals, to those 4 am workouts that we all know and love, and to the pain. Because triathlon is hard and it's demanding, but it is the most rewarding sport out there.

I do this sport for a reason, though the awards aren't bad, and the swag bags with the t-shirts are pretty neat, I do it for the challenge. To challenge myself to be better than I was the day before. Whether that means I am better at the swim, bike or run or if overall I am a better person for it. That is the best reward I can ask for out of a sport.

Those Mountains

As I lay here, during what seems to be another sleepless night, listening to the howling wind and the hum of the air conditioner, I can't help but smile...and smile big. My trip to Utah was supposed to be a trip to help me escape the realities of a new world in which I was to embark to. A world of grown-up responsibility and a "real" job with bills and tasks to be accomplished. This trip was an opportunity to find myself and to break out of the shell that I had created and perfected for the people at home. This trip was about time for me, time to train, to have fun, and enjoy my last bit of freedom before the commencement of graduate school. It was to let loose and to enjoy time with old friends as well as new ones.

Wow, how this trip has changed me...and I believe all for the better. Not only did stepping outside my comfort zone break me, it bettered me. I learned to open up and show the world who I really am on the inside. A joking, laughable, loving, and silly human being. Something that has needed to be shown to the world for awhile now. How great it has been to let loose, to start over, and to create new relationships with people. I try not to fit in here, more than anything I want to stand out. To be a person that people look to for confidence and composure, and concentration.

I found that here, amongst the mountains, the trees and the breath taking landscape. I learned to trust my abilities and instincts. To be the person that I knew existed deep down inside. It feels great to let her out. I learned to make decisions for me and only me. This life is mine. I can't live it for anyone else but myself, so I might as well be happy, right?

I love the scenery, the atmosphere, and the people. I love the overwhelming number of bike trails and the "get outside" mentality. I love the mountains. The ones that I cannot help but stare at every day, as if they seem to be calling my name. I love how people have taken me in, made me part of their family and treated me as if one of their own.

This trip out west changed me for the better and helped me take a step in the forward direction, and I have no intention of ever looking back.