A Step in a General Direction

Another sleepless night has got me thinking. With thinking comes thoughts. With all those thoughts comes yet another blog. Ha.

 I had this all planned out in my head what I wanted to say. It flowed perfectly from line to line, and now that I have sat down to ultimately write this the thoughts have quickly evaporated.

I’ve started to notice something about myself. I should never under any circumstance speak when I am angry or frustrated or before I have truly thought about the words that are getting ready to flow out of my mouth. I am an emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, even though I try very hard to hide it, there’s no point because it is there. I get my feelings hurt easily, I live in the past, I complain a little too much, I over think things, and I have been WAY negative lately. Frankly I am getting sick of listening to myself.

There are some things that need some fixing in my life. No I’m not talking about my constant rambling or the fact that I do have emotions, I’m talking about how I express and interpret those emotions. How I go about my daily life and my interactions with others. How I hold myself and ultimately the person I am hoping to become.

I’ll save the philosophical nonsense for someone who knows what they are talking about. There is no point in speculation anymore. I know what my problem is and I know how to fix it. End of story.

In case you haven’t noticed but with my prior blog posts I have been a little mad, frustrated, sad, overwhelmed with life lately. Changes in schools, hometowns, friends have brought on these emotions and I have gladly or willingly let them in. Instead of attempting to embrace and make the best of my new situation I have…not.

I am a creature of habit. So by default major life changes bring out a weird side of me. I become reclusive and kind of down. Okay, there really is no kind of about it. Yes, I know it is time to get over that I suppose. I’m working on it. Working on letting people into my life, letting them see who I am. I feel like anytime I meet new people I somehow end up living in the past more than I ever wanted or intended. I’m so scared of forming new relationships with people, scared that these relationships will get broken and then all of the time that was invested was somehow wasted…Oh wait. There I go again with living in the past and emotional baggage. I need to stop that.

Another thing that I have been lately is negative. I’m not talking here and there, I mean totally down on myself, good-for-nothing talk, like my life is meaningless. I need to snap out of this and if that means that I have to ramble to a computer screen every day to do that, then so be it. I need to work on the being positive thing. I made a comment to a friend “I wish you knew me when I was happy, man I was great.” Ha, that’s ridiculous. Why am I not great now?   The only thing that is standing between me and happiness right now is myself. I need to learn to embrace life a little more and “roll with the punches.”

The things that I am dealing with in life right now are only minor blimps on the map or bumps on the road. I don’t know, some saying like that. I think you get the point. I was letting them define me, letting them take away my happiness, letting them rob me of an experience. No amount of crying or complaining will change the situation that I am in, so I need to work with it and not against it. This class debacle is a set-back. At the moment it seems like a major, education-in-jeopardy kind of a set-back, but nonetheless I’ll figure out a way to come out on top. I always do, somehow.  I’ll learn how to learn differently and then I’ll come at this class with a different plan of attack.

Thanks to the few friends who gave me the swift kick in the ass/pep-talk that I needed. You know who you are.