I feel like the further I get into my future, or I guess the further I progress into my life, the more questions that arise. I become more uncertain of the goals and the dreams that I had become so set on and gung-ho with. I become more than ever confused and searching for answers.
I feel like that now, that I live in this constant state of limbo. Am I a kid, an adult, a kid, adult? In school, out of school, real job, no job? The questions drive me crazy. With my uncertain future looming overhead I can do nothing more than question.
The past four years or so of my life was spent working on a biology degree. A degree that would allow me to go to medical school. For the longest time it was a dream of mine that I kept to myself and shared with no one. Now, I am of average intelligence, not SUPER wiz-kid smart but I'd like to think I know a thing or two. I worked to get a degree that would allow me to accomplish that goal. I was never driven by money or power, just but the ability to help others when in their weakest moments. I decided to forgo that dream, my grades weren't high enough, a professor told me I wasn't smart enough, my family talked me out of it, heck I talked myself out of it. Scared of attempting and failing. So I have decided on the next best thing, to become a PA (Physician Assistant) which is close enough to the real thing. The next 7 months might possibly make me crazy waiting to see if I am accepted. I am in the process of filling out applications, taking entrance exams, and getting letters of personal recommendations written.
I feel as if there must be an all-or-nothing principle applied to this. Somedays I want to give up on the career idea, move to Utah, open up a bike shop up in the mountains and ride my bike for the rest of my existence. Then there are the days like today, where I feel as if I should give up the racing and intense training and crawl into a hole until school is over.
Who knows anymore. I wish I had answers to these questions, so maybe they would stop eating at me. I find it hard to enjoy any activity because "I should be studying this or reading that." Hopefully in the end everything will work out the way it was suppose to.
Heck maybe I'll become a surgical PA and a professional XTERRA athlete. You never know, a girl can dream.
You are the sum of your dreams. Therefore, do not give up on any of them or you deprive the rest of us (in our weakest and strongest moments) of you...your wit, your enthusiasm, your vision, your dreams. Never let anyone talk you out of your desires...and never make a decision based on fear of 'not good enough'. You are the most 'enough' woman I've ever met. Ask for clarity...there is a reason that the universe gave you those desires/dreams. They are made for us, and you can be sure that the benevolent universe will support those dreams every time.
ReplyDeleteLove this post, Jess! Regardless of what direction(s) you choose to end up, you will shine. God's sovereignty can certainly be a mystery at times, but He has blessed you with many gifts which in turn have given you a platform to encourage, inspire & support others!
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