Embrace the Suck

It's been three weeks since my race at nationals. It feels like a lifetime ago since I left Utah and embarked on my journey home. I've had a lot of time to think, and analyze, and think some more about my race. What I did right and what I did wrong. Things I can change, things I can forget, and those things that made me a better racer.

I haven't talked much about my race as a whole, just the event that changed it. A stupid wreck, from whatever it may be, it was stupid. Cramping, probably brought on from dehydration or lack of nutrition on the bike, 19 miles later and my lower half was shot. Rookie mistake right there, being at nationals there shouldn't be rookie mistakes, period.

To be honest, my race as a whole was mediocre, not one of my best showings, but certainly not my worst. Swim was slower than expected, even though I felt pretty good. Was starting to pick up the bike, when I wreck once, and then three miles later do a literal flying dismount face-first into T2. I'm sure that was a sight to watch. The run, not much to say there, except how extremely embarrassed I was to be wearing that nationals number around my waist. I was a nationals competitor who was WALKING. I got passed by everyone and their mother. I had a friend, who had a 35 minute head start, catch me on the run. I do understand that I had a gaping hole in my leg and was bleeding everywhere, but in my book that is no excuse. My leg was still functional for the most part, I could have and should have done better. I got second out of two people in my age-group, which is nothing to be praised for.

I am proud of the fact that I did not quit, not once did it cross my mind. It would have been quite easy to give up in T2 or at each aid station when the volunteers told me I needed to see the medic. Why work so hard if you are willing to surrender so easily. I didn't bust my butt for a year and do 4 am workouts for nothing. I had two phrases that got me through that race, 'embrace the suck' and 'I love this shit.' Because honestly if I didn't, what's the point of being out there?

I don't know why this is eating at me tonight. I'm starting to get restless because I have been banished to the couch for the past 3 weeks. I feel like I am losing everything that I have worked so hard to gain. Yes, I know my leg was immobile but still, I'm a weirdo who what's to get better everyday. And by doing nothing, I'm losing everything.

I am not trying to complain or whine, I am soley expressing the disappointment in myself, and the want to only do better next time. I have high standards and expectations, which I expect to meet. Next year will be a different story with different characters and circumstances. Another year of experience can only help. I look forward to earning my ticket to nationals, to those 4 am workouts that we all know and love, and to the pain. Because triathlon is hard and it's demanding, but it is the most rewarding sport out there.

I do this sport for a reason, though the awards aren't bad, and the swag bags with the t-shirts are pretty neat, I do it for the challenge. To challenge myself to be better than I was the day before. Whether that means I am better at the swim, bike or run or if overall I am a better person for it. That is the best reward I can ask for out of a sport.