Soul Searching

I'm curious as to why I have so much to say on my bad days. I feel as if questions and thoughts flow from my mind endlessly and much time is given to these thoughts. I feel it is like my "soul searching." These are the days that I find myself, find out who I am. What I am made of and how far I can go. I'm having one of those days. I'm sitting alone in a hotel room (something about being by myself makes me think anyway) curled up in a ball, crying, wishing that this pain would go away. Pain that I have inflicted upon myself. From a day's ride where maybe I pushed too hard to get my workouts in. A day I should have backed off and let this one ride slip to the wayside. I want so badly to make my coaches proud and to prove to myself that I am the person that I know I can be.

Something as simple as tires sliding out. As I slammed into the trail I felt what was left on my bike riding mojo slip away. The ride today was my third bad ride in a row. 8 days before my biggest race and I can't get it together. I blame my bike not feeling right, a bad tune-up, re-adjusted brakes. But I think it's me also. Riding a little scared. Where did this come from? This is something that is entirely new and unfamiliar territory. I am the rider who has guts who isn't afraid of falling, crashing, or going face first over the handle-bars. Perhaps wreck after wreck after wreck is starting to wear me thin a little bit. Just the fact that I have yet to heal from the previous week's ride. Instead of one swollen skinned elbow I now have two, my right one I can barely move and my entire right thigh is swollen and bruised, it hurts to even lay in bed.

I feel like I'm losing my grip on the mountain bike, like somehow my skill is lessening with each ride. I have come back mad, upset, and mentally broken from my last rides. It's time to slow down. I have put so much on XTERRA Eureka Springs that I think I have lost sight of the bigger picture. I am going out to race because it is something that I absolutely love to do. I love the feeling of the wind on my face as I'm cutting in and out of the trees, the downhills, and as much as they suck I'll take those climbs because it means that I am out on my bike.

Maybe that's what I need, to let go. To let go of my bad rides. Let them out of my mind. Forget them, act as though they never even happened. So much easier said than done. It is something to focus on and work towards this next week as I go into my taper for XTERRA. This is a race that is going to take heart, guts, and will. You better believe I'll show up with all three and more on race day.