Valentine's Day. It's About LOVE, Period.

Valentine's Day can be viewed in many different ways. It can be a day for the couples hopelessly and romantically in love, it can be a day to mourn the fact that you are single, or it can be a day to show love to anyone and everyone around you.

My grandpa loves to ask me every year if I have found a myself a valentine, and every year my reply is no. Always following that is the classic "well, why not??" He loves to probe into my life with questions about boys. I can't tell whether he's laying down a hint or he's just being goofy. I'll choose the latter.

As I got to college I was always so down when Valentine's Day rolled around and I was without a boyfriend, for yet another year. SAD is what my friends liked to refer to it as. Singles Awareness Day. Now looking back at it, how stupid we were to have that perception. As I've gotten older and wiser (I hope) I realize that Valentine's Day isn't merely for the couples with little animated hearts spinning around their heads, it's about love, PERIOD. It's about showing love to your parents and your siblings, love to the cashier who rings you up in the check-out line, or the elderly man/woman who needs help loading groceries into their car.

Having an outlook like that shouldn't be for just one day out of the year, but for all of them. Since I took that outlook my life has been much fuller.

I challenge you to go a little out of your way today, on this day of love and show some LOVE to a stranger or a friend. Even if it is something as small as a smile to a stranger on campus. If our world had a little more love in it, don't you think it'd be a better one? I certainly do.

Until next time friends, go spread the love.

The Navy SEALs - Just the Inspiration I Needed.

I was given the opportunity over my Christmas break to do a lot of “fun” reading…in other words reading that wasn’t assigned or deemed necessary for my schoolwork. I read multiple books that were enlightening, others sad, and some inspirational. I love to read, always have, so when an opportunity like this presents itself I’m all over it. There were three books that I read this break that opened my eyes the most, were heavy on my heart, and that left me with an incredible thirst to continue my journey towards my chosen career path.

For those of you who don’t know I am currently working on my masters. A masters in Cell & Molecular Biology. I know what you are thinking….and believe me, I have thought the very same things before. I began this masters with the aspirations of becoming an accomplished Exercise Physiologist, while those dreams are still there, they have been tweaked a bit, for lack of better phrasing. With my work as a personal trainer and conditioning with the MSU Men’s Soccer Team I knew pretty quickly that training and performance was my passion. Helping a player get better at his/her sport or get back to their sport is so fulfilling for me. So I have decided to go to Physical Therapy school after my masters and work towards my DPT. I’ll finally be Dr. Martin. Ha.

Over the break I read two books that will forever leave a mark on my soul; Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell and American Sniper by Chris Kyle. Two amazing books about the life inside being a US Navy SEAL. I understand war and the need for it, even though I hate hearing on the news that we have lost another one of our own. These books take you into the field with these soldiers and it is almost as if you are experiencing the action firsthand, that is how phenomenal the writing is. I cried through almost the entirety of both books, and I am not normally a crier…ever. There was something about their stories and their unselfish desire to protect and uphold the values of our country, a country that is not always behind them, but at the end of the day will welcome them home with open arms. These men are the true definition of what an American hero is, although I know from reading that they prefer to be known as the silent heroes, but I just had to give my little shout-out.

I come from a Navy family. My Grandpa served in WWII at Pearl Harbor, father at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and my uncle at the Naval Academy and all of his various expeditions. I do not however know what it is like to have a family member deployed…I will know that pretty soon as my cousin who is an Army Ranger will be leaving for Afghanistan in the upcoming months. I cannot imagine the immense pain that both parties must go through, so that I may freely sit here and express my right to freedom of speech while lying in bed and typing this blog, or working on my homework that is due for tomorrow.

Lone Survivor is a gut wrenching story about Operation Red Wing with four Navy Seals and a targeted Taliban leader. I’m sure most people have seen the movie, which I think does a FANTASTIC job at telling the story of that fateful day, but the book is something else entirely. The description that Marcus Luttrell goes into about his brothers and the hospitality of the Pashtun community is truly eye-opening. If you haven’t read it I HIGHLY recommend it. You can visit the website here. The movie is unlike any war movie I have ever seen before. Maybe it was because I read the book first, but it was amazing. The movie gave even more life to the book and put you into the middle of the battlefield where you saw and experienced the pain that these SEALs endured. You were able to see the acts of selflessness of these men in fighting to protect the red, white, and blue. My favorite line from the movie was by Matthew Axelson’s character, “you can die for your country, but I’m going to live for mine.” He fought to the death in honor of America. Mike Murphy and his last attempt to call for help, climbing to the top of a cliff to gain more reception to make that last phone call, the one that put him directly into harm’s way so that he could save his brothers, it makes me tear up as I write this. Danny Dietz, what a man of true grit. He had lost his hand, been shot in the leg, the back, and the head….was being dragged and still shooting at the Taliban. He would’ve kept fighting has a bullet to the throat not taken his life. The last guy of the squad, Marcus Luttrell. The lone survivor of the group, who lives on to share his story of that day. How they had to fall down a mountain three times trying to make it to better ground. THREE TIMES. He goes on to share his experience about being captured and then having members of the Pashtun community take him in as one of their own, fighting to the death to keep him alive because of a standard that their community upholds. I don’t know how ANYONE could read this book and NOT come away unchanged. This book is on my heart as I think about my activities in my daily life. I think about this book when I am training. NEVER again will I complain that a training session is too tiring or that my body is giving out because well, that's just crap, it is my mind that is quitting. If those SEALs can survive for that long after taking gunshot after gunshot to the body and having no food or water, you better believe I can make it through a workout for heaven’s sake.

"Been around the world twice. Talked to everyone once. I've seen two whales f*ck, been to three world fairs. I even know a man in Thailand with a wooden cock. I've pushed more peter, more sweeter, and more completer than any other peter-pusher around. I'm a hard-bodied, hairy-chested, rootin', tootin', shootin', parachutin', demolition double tap crimpin' frogman. There ain't nothing I can't do. No sky too high, no sea too rough, no muff too tough. Learned a lot of lessons in my life. Never shoot a large caliber man with a small caliber bullet. Drove a lot of trucks. 2by's, 4by's, 6by's and those big motherf*ckers that bend and go 'shhh shhh' when you step on the brakes. Anything in life worth doing is worth overdoing. Moderation is for cowards. I'm a lover, I'm a fighter, I'm a UDT SEAL Diver. I'll wine, dine, intertwine, and then sneak out the back door when the refueling is done. If you're feeling froggy then you better jump because this Frogman has been there, done that, and is going back for more."

- Shane Patton (in Lone Survivor) 

I guess I had never given it much thought as to what our Special Operations guys do over there. All I really know is what I see on the news or hear over the radio, which doesn’t give our soldiers the credit that they so deserve. I have often been moved when I see a veteran walking somewhere in their uniform. I want to go up and hug them, about let alone kiss them out of gratitude and everything that they have done for this beautiful country of mine. I usually can’t get the guts to go up and say it though, for fear of…well I don’t really know.

My brother is super interested in the SEALs and what they have to offer and what it means to be a SEAL, so I have all kinds of books at my disposal. After reading Lone Survivor, I moved onto Chris Kyle’s book American Sniper. This book is about America’s most decorated sniper and the different missions and problems he faced throughout his four tours in Afghanistan. This website gives you a tiny glimpse into the person he was. He made it through those four tours, for the most part unscathed, to unfortunately be killed on his home soil. God must have needed a good soldier by his side. 

The stories that Chris Kyle tells seem to be something only one would see in a movie, let alone have to live through. His book took you right into the field of battle, as did Lone Survivor, except his was a culmination of stories instead of one event. It was in his book that I found my calling. He describes when he he finally had to undergo dual knee surgeries after being caught under a wall that exploded from an RPG. He describes his rehab experience with a Physical Therapist who was a Certified Strength & Conditioning Coach, explaining the pain and frustration that he went through with this PT who was there with him every step of the way. Along with helping Chris Kyle to be the fittest he has ever been, allowing him to step back into battle without missing a beat.

As soon as I read that portion of the book, I knew that that is what I wanted to do with my life. Help injured soldiers return to their passion, the battlefield. I love athletics and training players, but there is something that spoke to me after reading these two books. The desire to give back to those who have so valiantly put their life on the line for this country time and time again. That is something that takes a truly special human being, and if rehabbing someone that has done that is my contribution to the beautiful USA, then I would be honored.

So Physical Therapy school is next on the list of my educational endeavours. I have no idea where yet, but I am so excited to get there. 

To the men and women of the armed forced who serve our country, I thank you. If it weren't for you, there wouldn't be a place to call the Beautiful U.S. of A. 

2013: One for the Books

Another year and another blog post. Too cliché? Never.

I know that I am WAY behind on blogging, especially with my New Year's post. I'm using grad school as an excuse. I checked and yes I am allowed to do that.

2013 turned out to be an amazing year. We, as a family, had some struggles, but boy did we make it through so much stronger. There were so many milestones and amazing moments that this blog post will more than likely not do it justice.

To start off 2013 my mom got diagnosed with cancer. I had some blog posts about this earlier in the year, but never posted them because...well I don't have a reason. Trying to wrap myself around the fact that my hero had been hit with such a hard blow was undeniably hard. Thankfully she has gotten through the worst of it and right now fingers are crossed. We are not in the clear yet, but every day is a closer step to that.

I had my first alumni weekend. If that doesn't make me feel old I don't know what will. Got to spend some time with friends I haven't seen in forever. It was a great weekend reconnecting with old friends, playing soccer with my old teammates, and giving one last goodbye to some of my favorite people on the planet.

My brother moved in with me. Ponder that one for a minute. Haha it has been a major adjustment trying to get used to a roommate after being alone for so long. We are still a work in progress, as you can imagine.

I got to go to Honduras and spend some quality time with one of my best friends from college. Went to a beautiful beach wedding, brushed up on my Spanish, and got to have an unforgettable island adventure.

I started grad school in August. Something that I have been working towards for a very long time...and in all honesty didn't think would happen. It has been a stressful, complicated, angering, but joyous and rewarding ride. I don't think I would change it for anything.

I joined an indoor soccer league, thanks to a nudge...ok push from one of my best friends from undergrad. We went 10-2 for the season. Not too shabby!

Our family experienced two major losses in the matter of a week. We lost a very close family friend and we lost my grandfather. Death is weird and I have problems understanding it. I imagine most people do. But I can say, with a full and happy heart, that both of these men are in a better place and no longer in any pain. Although they are greatly missed here we will be reunited with them soon.

I reconnected with my Dad. I don't talk about him much, if ever due to the fact we have had a strained/non-existent relationship for the last ten years. Growing up without a dad in my life has been hard, but something you learn to accept. I decided that after ten years of pent up anger that it was time to let it go and accept the fact that we're both human and mistakes have been made. You can't mend a shattered relationship quickly, but in time I think we can have a healthy father daughter relationship. In lots of time.

I've started making my way back to the Big Man upstairs. My journey is slow, but I am getting there. Bible studies and people who don't judge my quirkiness have certainly helped that.

I came to the realization about what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be a Physical Therapist with a Strength and Conditioning Certification who works with injured soldiers. Helping to rehabilitate them and get them back to what they love doing. I feel like it is my way of giving back. How excited I am about my future, but there is so much work to be done. Work that I am excited to tackle. Once I complete my Masters in Cell and Molecular Biology I plan on going to the Doctorate of Physical Therapy program here at Missouri State.

Finally, I celebrated my one year anniversary with Crossfit 417. I know I talk about Crossfit all. the. time. but this gym has truly been a blessing to me. The people I've met and the friendships that I have made are irreplaceable. I found myself in this gym when I thought that I had lost everything. They helped me to rediscover myself off of the mountain biking trails. After that loss I had a huge hole to climb out of and I did that with the people who have become my family at 417.

2013 was a great year, but I am excited to see what 2014 has in store. It can only get better from here.

Another Goodbye

Death is suffocating and can take the happiest of spirits and damper them. It brings with it an overwhelming feeling of grief, guilt, anger, and whatever other feeling you want to insert here. I mentioned in my last post that I had never fully experienced a death so close to home as the lose of my grandparent's best friend two weeks ago. It seems that God decided to call another one of his people home.

Last Monday I lost my grandfather. A man whom I hadn't spoken to in years, but with his passing it hit me like a freight train. Two deaths in a matter of eight days is taxing on the emotions. It's is taxing on the body, but most of all on the soul. My grandfather was a man of many things; he was stationed at Pearl Harbor during WWII, he was famous for his story telling, and he was a man that my brother and I looked to with amazement in our eyes. Grandparents are very special people. They've gone through their years of discipline with their own children and it is now an opportunity to spoil those grandchildren. Story telling was his way of spoiling us. My brother and I were the youngest of his grandchildren, by a good 10 years. Whenever he'd visit we would stay up for hours listening to him tell his war stories, jokes, or any random story of the troublemaking my dad and his brothers got into. Even as a child, every Christmas we would call my Grandpa Martin (thinking it was Santa) and go on and on about what we wanted, how good we'd been, and he would merely egg us on with further questions.

We lost contact when my dad and I parted ways, or should I say I parted ways with him. My grandfather couldn't understand what on this earth could move me to not speak to my father anymore, it was a story that he didn't need to hear. I regret the fact that he died upset with me, for not reaching out and making amends with him. It scares me because it makes me realize that my mom's parents don't have that much time left, and it makes me sad just to think about the relationship that was missed out on over the last couple of years. It makes you realize what you have and it makes you realize what you want.

I have an ache in my stomach for the men who were called home over the past couple of weeks. At least they were taken to a better place and without pain.

Death is hard, but undeniably inevitable. May you forever rest in peace and know that you were always loved, from a distance. Grandpa Martin 11.11.13

"Are You Paying Attention?" - Sincerely, Life

Life has a great way of punching you in the mouth when you aren't paying attention, a kind reminder that you have gotten sidetracked with things. I got my punch in the mouth last weekend. Everybody and their mother knows that grad school has consumed my life...which is totally fine and I love what I am studying. I have a bad habit of secluding myself from the outside world when I am overwhelmed or stressed and I miss things, miss out on a lot of things I should say.

So far my first semester in grad school has been challenging, interesting, and above all mentally pushing (for lack of a better word). There is so much information out there that I am learning and have yet to learn. It is a fun and stressful experience all at the same time. With a commitment, one such as big as grad school, I am beginning to miss things. Miss my friends, my family, and normal hours and routines are beginning to change. Perhaps I am beginning to change.

This year has been a roller coaster with plenty of ups and certainly some downs. My mother was diagnosed with cancer in February. Something that a child never wants to hear. For so many years she had taken care of me and now it was my turn to step in and take care of her. For a recent update, she is doing well! She has passed all of her check-ups and looks to be in the clear. Cancer is scary, a scary word in itself and I pray that no one has to go through it or have a family member go through it. Unfortunately I got news last month that my best friend's mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. (This is the beginning of my punch in the mouth experience) when a friend's family goes through something like this, you go through it with them. You are there for support and encouragement, and hold the experience to perhaps ease their pain and fears, if only just a little bit.

I have a thing for people. When they hurt, I hurt. I care so much for the people who are in my life and who make it a great one. Earlier last week I got a call from a client who lost everything to a fire. Her dog and cat, her memories, and her home. My heart broke for her, even more so that there was nothing that I could do to help, but give her words of encouragement. Then last Saturday, (the full fledged punch) I got news that a close family friend passed away. Now I have yet to experience a death close to my family, so this was a first for me. Emotions ran rapid and I felt as if I couldn't control them. As my mom explained to me what had happened tears rolled down my face and my heart broke again, mainly for my grandparents and the wife of this beloved gentleman, as he was a major part of their lives.

Ted Cox, was my grandparents best friend. He was an integral part of my childhood/teen rebellion at the church where I grew up. Whenever he would come to our house for a visit he was always intrigued to know what was going on in my life. How is school? What are you studying? How many boys are chasing you? Typical questions. Ha. He was never without a joke or a smile and was loved by all who crossed his path. He reminded me of my grandfather, with his love for others and his reliance in answering my million questions. Ted was a retired veterinarian who loved helping people out with their pets. I have many memories of my grandpa, Ted, and I playing with my dog Max and him sharing his wealth of knowledge with me. He was a man with one of the kindest hearts that I have ever known and he is already greatly missed. It hurt to have to miss his funeral this weekend, and I pray that he's okay with that. I know he's looking down from heaven probably laughing about the whole thing.

I am not one who likes to talk about death, I think I have this secret hope that science will one day figure out a way for me to live forever. Haha. But when faced with tragedies such as this it makes me think. Makes me think about the person that I am and the one that I am becoming. What is it that I want to be remembered for? And the image that I want to leave behind?

I learned a long time ago that love and respect work far better than anger or hatred. I try to show love to everyone in my life. I try to go out of my way to make someone's day brighter or a little better, whether that be with a kind gesture or merely a smile. I've learned through this situation that time is precious, probably the most precious thing because ours is limited (cliché I know). I have learned that 20 seconds of insane, undeniable courage is better than none, and that doing things that excite you and scare you help you grow into a better and stronger person. I tell people how I feel because as I said, we don't have a whole lot of time on this planet, so why not go out on a limb to make someone's day better or tell someone that you care about them?

Believe me it's the best feeling in the world to open your heart to people, it may hurt sometimes, but the rewards are far better than the risks. I pray that I am remembered as Ted will be. A person who gives to and loves those whom she cares about, as well people I have never met.

May you forever rest in peace Ted. Know that we love you and miss you down here. Give God a hug for me will ya?

RIP Ted Cox 11.2.2013

A Lover of Rainy Days

I am a lover of rainy days, sweaters, and the warmth of a good cup of tea. I love looking out my window and watching the rain pour day and listening to the tap of it upon my rooftop.

Rainy days for me are my favorite days. Not that I don't enjoy the sun! There is a serenity and calmness that comes with a rain storm. An overwhelming peace that is bestowed upon the day. I love the rain because it brings back childhood memories of rain boots there were too big and puddles that were never quite big enough.

I went to my very first football game on a rainy day. An Arkansas Razorback (Woo Pig Sooie) game to be exact. They won against Auburn, a daddy-daughter day that I absolutely adored.

The rain brings back many good racing/riding memories. It is a hell of a lot of fun to ride your mountain bike through the rain, just watch out for those tree stumps because they get slick...real fast.

So many soccer games were played in the rain. Those were the best! Mainly due to the fact that by the end you were mostly covered in mud...and it gave you an even better reason to slide-tackle someone. Many games were played in the rain, some lost and some won, but every moment of them was enjoyable.

I am a lover of rainy days, clouds, and thunderstorms. Those are my serenity.

There is No Peace Without Forgiveness

They say you change a lot through your 20's. It should be a time to be selfish, figure out who you are, what you stand for, and who it is that you want to be.

My twenties so far have been a ride! Not that I am really that far into them, but boy have I changed, and for the better. I continue to grow and learn more about myself every day. Life is definitely a journey, one that is very much worth the ride...even with the potholes and bumps that we may sometimes seem to hit.

I've learned a lot about myself especially in the last two years. There is nothing spectacular about them, just major life changes that forced me to look deep inside my soul and ask myself who it is that I wanted to become. The person that I want to embody on a day-to-day basis, and the morals and beliefs that I want to stand behind.

Something that I have struggled with for years is forgiveness. There are certain people who have done things that I can immediately forgive and forget, and then with others with which I can't let go of the hurt. I don't like this and it is something that I try to improve upon every day.

Not many people know about the neglected/broken/[insert whatever phrase you'd like here] relationship with my father. In fact, many times in the past I have denied even having one. I know some of you will read this and immediately judge me for terminating that bond. There's a backstory, believe me. That decision that I made almost 5 years ago is a decision that I have had to live with. I am not a person who harbors hate, in fact I try to show love to everyone...even though I'm not the best at it sometimes.

This hate that I have held inside me for almost 15 years has helped develop me as a person, it has changed my outlook on things, and even the view of myself. How can a person who cares so much for others have so much hate for one man? This is a question that I have often asked myself, I have even sought the advice of others, and it all comes down to one thing...you must have the strength within you to forgive.

Forgiveness is a weird thing to me. In my mind it meant that I was condoning the act that hurt me. This is not the case, and it took A LOT of soul searching to be able to come to that conclusion. Just because I forgive someone does not in any way mean that I am saying what they did was okay, but  that I have decided to understand the fact that they are human and they messed up, just as I have done plenty of times. Where would this world be if there were absolutely no forgiveness? We'd be in a hell of a lot of trouble, that's where we'd be.

As I have gotten older I have begun to understand that fact. We are all simple, not perfect people just trying to make it through each day the best way that we know how. Sometimes things don't work out the way we wanted or intended and someone gets hurt in the process. It's hard as a child, especially a little girl, to not put her daddy up on a pedestal. To believe that he is the greatest person to walk this earth and that he is in fact a hero. Something like that is hard to live up to as a person and I'm sure as a parent. I was shattered the day my father left. It left me with a feeling of emptiness and the feeling of being completely and utterly "not wanted." This is a feeling that I have buried inside of me for a long time. A feeling that I still fight with today. A feeling of regret for allowing myself to feel like that, and even more so, a feeling of anger towards myself that I have allowed myself to hold onto that much hatred.

I am one who is easily inspired...I happened to come across this quote a few weeks ago and it has stuck with me ever since.

"Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful that the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness."

- Marianne Williamson

 

With that quote swirling around in my head, I wrote a letter. A letter to my father. A letter that explained to him that I finally understood that he was human, just like me, and that he made a lot of mistakes and so had I. Mistakes that he would have to live with, and for the sake of my own mental health that I needed him to know that I forgave him.

 

I have written many letters to him over the years. They sit folded up at the bottom of a box in my closet. I have never had the courage, nor the strength to send them. Because like I said earlier, in my mind to forgive was to condone.

 

This was the first letter that was written, sealed, and then mailed. Upon dropping the letter in the mailbox it was as if ten tons had been lifted off my shoulders, weight that had been slowly suffocating me for years, I just hadn't noticed. I can only hope that this helps my heart hurt a little less and allows me to be a better person to the people I encounter along this journey we call "life."