One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I'm sitting here in an empty house in the middle of the night contemplating my life, working on homework and stressing myself out like normal, and wondering how I ended up here. I think about the things that have happened, good and bad, in the last year and a half since I last blogged. It's been awhile. A long while.

A friend once told me the reason that he talked so much was that he believed he had a lot to tell the world. I love that, mainly because I am a person who talks all the damn time. Ask anyone, especially the people who are closest to me and they will tell you that I have to talk about things until I am blue in the face...I'll take a breath and continue talking that topic to death. Especially if it's a situation that involved me doing something wrong/hurting someone (I mean, come on...I'm writing a blog on it too for goodness sake). I have no idea why I am this way, but I have been this way for my entire life so I guess I will run with it. But in the last year and a half (besides my last lil post) I guess I just haven't had a lot to say.

Lately I've been on this weird kick of evaluating who and what is important in my life. Does it make me happy or cause me stress? Is this person making me better or worse? Am I satisfied with the life I am leading or am I merely going through the motions?

These questions have been stressing me the hell out. Mainly because I am a chronic over-thinker, like to the point where I can make myself sick...In fact I broke down in my professor's office yesterday, hysterical about something I said to someone that will probably not matter in the next month. But it happened and I need to look at why so that is doesn't happen again.

One of my goals this year was to let people in more, no not further in my front door or allow those to enter my closet of an office. I mean emotionally. I am AWESOME at keeping people at a distance, far enough that they can see I am blonde and have blue eyes - but not really, far enough they can see that I am sarcastic and goofy and apparently have a resting face that is equivalent to that of the human version of a grumpy cat. Nothing more and nothing less. They don't get to see the side of me that cries in her car at 2am because she hurt her friend's feelings or the girl that laughs so effing hard that she snorts and has snot running out of her nose. They don't get to see that because they are not in my bubble. I spent plenty of years being taunted and put down for my loud and big personality and my goofiness, so you better believe that the people I have allowed into my bubble have been thoroughly vetted. The only people that get to see that side are the ones who I trust with my heart in their hands.

I've lost a little bit of that happy girl...the one who laughs until she snorts. I miss her and her inability to hold a conversation because she's laughing too hard. The girl that laughs at jokes from three days ago or randomly busts out laughing in the middle of class. She's still here, but in hiding. I see glimpses of her now and again. I'm working on getting her back, but it will take some time and some self-love.

As I wrote in my last post I am not an emotionally attached person. I am that way for a multitude of reasons that I will not get into here, because frankly they're run of the mill at best and kind of boring. I run away when people get close enough to see my emotional scars. I have done this my entire life and I am TRYING so damn hard to not do this anymore. It's scary. It is literally one of the scariest things that I have ever done in my life. Scarier than traveling to China or being dropped from 300ft in the air attached to nothing more than a glorified piece of dental floss or jumping from a two-story rock in Honduras or relearning how to walk or when faced with the reality that I could die from complications of past surgeries. The physical pain I can handle and will embrace all damn day, but emotional and mental...uhhh yeah no. Don't sign me up for that.

One of the things that keeps me awake at night, besides my brain reminding me of my top 100 favorite songs of my life, is when I get scared or hurt by something or I have hurt someone, I shut down or accidently hurt people in return with my responses to things. I can become cold and distant almost immediately. It was a coping mechanism that I used growing up to avoid the pain I was in. It's hard to explain, but if you know me at all then you may catch my drift, maybe. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. I feel like I have been up and down and all over the place. This is not me, normally. Instead of running away, I have dug my heels in determined to stay put, and because I am insecure and uncomfortable, I have lashed out and said things I didn't mean, unintentionally hurting people that I love...which in turn causes me to lay in bed, hate myself and cry hysterically. When will I learn? Why am I this way? These are just a few of the questions that run through my head. The fact that I get uncomfortable and insecure has nothing to do with anyone other than myself and this weird need to have barriers up at all times. It's something that I always feel the need to explain and talk through, but let's get real...even my closest friends will get sick of hearing me ramble about the same thing, like I'm on a repeating loop. But because I am an over-thinker and an over-talker, I have a hard time of letting things go. It's fucking annoying, let me tell ya because I have some pretty awesome, badass people in my life who love me very much...which I know I make difficult at times, and who I love immensely in return. They remind me of this daily and yet I fail them more often than I would care to admit. And on the days when my world feels like it is crashing down around me and I feel like I have ruined everything I look back through my text messages from the people who I love and who love me in return (yes I am one of those people that screenshots texts that are meaningful). Because more often than not sometimes I need that reminder that I am doing okay in life, even though I falter, that my existence brings hope and joy to people, most days...and that one day I will look back and be stronger for the struggles that I have endured.

I've been trying to do a better job of letting people know how much they mean to me, simply by telling them, hiding notes, doing a task for them, asking them how they are and about their life (<-- I love when people ask me this) and then I sit and wait for an answer, not with the intention or replying, but to engage in a conversation with them. I BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN NEVER OVEREXPRESS HOW MUCH YOU CARE FOR SOMEONE (I'm serious about that, in case the all caps didn't give it away)...but none of those things will ever be enough if I keep having these [insert word here] that shows them otherwise. I've been praying a lot. The Big Guy upstairs and I are still playing phone tag, but I have been leaving quite a few messages lately. In earlier posts I have explained my struggle, struggle is not a good word here...but I can't think of anything better at the moment...with my faith. The only thing that I can continue to do is thank God daily for the people he has put in my life and promise to do better with each interaction, each day, each week by showing how grateful I am for them.

"Please stop overthinking life like you have to have an answer to every feeling or situation. That's not how life works. We figure it all out by just living, by fucking up, by missing an opportunity, by seeking advice and not taking it. We learn what's important and what isn't. Sometimes we have no fucking idea what to do and it's scary but it's okay. Always trust your gut and know that everything will work out exactly the way it is supposed to be. It always does. Relax, we were never in control anyway."

- Anonymous 

All The Feels

I never know how to start these blog posts. I always sit down with something in mind that I want to talk about, the words flow through my head so quickly that I can't keep track of them and then by the time I sit down to write there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Can I play the "brain card" here? If you don't get that reference you can look at my NYE post from a few years ago.

I'm sitting at my desk pondering where to start on my "to-do" list that includes 27 different things I need to get done, by yesterday. Needless to say I'm procrastinating, like normal. I've had enough caffeine to overdose a baby elephant so maybe I can get some things done later...

We're already in March, specifically the 63rd day of 2018. It blows my mind how fast time seems to move. Wasn't I just in Europe like last week? And preparing for my brother's wedding last month? They say time flies when you're having fun and let's be real, I have been having a lot of fun lately. I started a post recapping 2017, but I never published it. I don't know why. I got half through and decided it was boring so it is sitting in my draft folder. The beginning of this year was hard for me, I went through a breakup that affected more than I thought it would or should, I guess. For those of you who know me I am not an emotionally attached person, even though I try my hardest not to be, or at least hide it. "Try" being the key word there since my emotions might as well be tattooed on my forehead. It takes an extreme amount of work on my part to open up to people about my past, the hardships and traumas I've dealt with, my insecurities, my lack of self-confidence. I have perfected the art of putting up walls with people in order to prevent myself from being hurt, which is silly because how can you have a meaningful connection with someone if you aren't true to yourself and allow them to get to know the real you? (This is something that I question every. single. freaking. day). I'm working on this and I believe that it will be a life-long process. Anywho, my point is that I took a leap of faith last year and allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable. It was scary as hell revealing my scars, physical and emotional, and essentially giving someone a look into the real me. It was scary and exhilarating and freeing and traumatic and ....insert any adjectives you'd like here. The experience was eye-opening for me. It taught me that by allowing myself to be vulnerable like that can lead to so much growth and healing. Even though the person that I shared that experience with is no longer apart of my life I can still look back and be thankful.

Fast forward to the beginning of the semester, classes have started (YAY! I love being back in school). I have met all kinds of new and interesting people. I am in my happy place. My walls are up, just enough that I can get to know new people, but they won't get to know me. I am comfortable, I am in my space. I am keeping everyone at arm's distance because that is what I do, from there is where I operate. *Cue new friend busting into my life demanding to be apart of it. Literally that's how I feel that it happened. At a point in my life where I was content to push everyone away, they kicked down my walls and illuminated my life in a way that few people have ever done. I have never clicked with someone so fast, as if you have known them for years, they seem to understand you better than you understand yourself. Never experienced the freedom to be truly and utterly my ridiculous self...to the point where I am laughing so hard that I am crying, snorting, and having trouble breathing. Or sobbing because of something that happened to me when I was younger. We connected on a level where I was comfortable sharing my deepest and most guarded secrets, ones that I have never even said out loud before. I allowed myself to be vulnerable again, even though it scared me...and still does every day. I feel like I give a piece of myself to everyone I let into my life and eventually I will have no more of me left to give to anyone else. I bring this up because I caught myself reverting back to the insecure little girl who is used to disappointment. I made a stupid comment that was met with a "what the hell do you mean by that?" look. As soon as I said it I had a sinking feeling, pit of my stomach I need to vomit feeling. I don't even know why I said it. Maybe I was uncomfortable with how close I have let myself get to this person, maybe I was trying to prepare myself for them to leave, or maybe...who knows. It was stupid on my part. This person has shown me nothing but love and acceptance and I backhanded them with an insult that wasn't even warranted. I hurt them, which makes me feel, I need something better than "absolutely terrible." I let my insecurities come out in a situation where they shouldn't have. We hugged, I cried, they laughed, all is right in the world again.

I decided to write about this because it has been bothering me lately. It bothers me that I continue to allow my past to dictate my interactions with people. Not everyone will take a piece of me when they go, not everyone will use me to further their agenda, people will be put in my life to love me and for me to love them. This process, for me anyway, is a lifelong journey. It is a way of continuing to discover who I am and allowing people to come into my life and embrace who I am, even if I am not quite there myself.

On that note I believe that is all I have to rant about for now. I thank God every day for the people who have come into my life and continue to love me unconditionally even on days that I struggle to love myself...and for people who allow me to love them the best way I know how.